Anger

“Anger is like taking poison and waiting for the other person to die. Anger is not a bad emotion, in fact, it is very healthy. The only time anger becomes hurtful in a marriage is when it is left as unresolved hurt and bitterness. Learn how to have healthy anger that actually brings you together instead of tearing you apart.” – Malachy Court

What is the purpose Anger?

Anger gives us resources to manage our environment, especially those parts that threaten us or cause us to feel hurt, frustration or fear. While you are here on this page looking to find a solution to manage the anger and rage you feel were caused by an extra marital affair (either your affair or that of your cheating wife or your cheating husband), I urge you to be patient, and listen to a psychological reason and strategy for anger. Let’s use this time of personal pain for some personal growth.

We learn to model a lot of our behaviors from a variety of sources:

• Parents
• Siblings
• Friends
• Television
• Movies

Early on we learn these negative expressions of anger and we learn how to use them. What situations and kind of people will respond to different expressions. Children are very quick to pick this up. Any father who has hit his thumb with a hammer and uttered an expletive, will quickly see that the 4 year old who was watching will do the same when they are hurt. We learn not just the behavior but when to use it. So in childhood we pick up negative expressions of anger. We learn in “how to be angry”, “how to deal with anger”, “what are appropriate expressions of anger”, “what is acceptable expressions of anger” — ie “our standards to deal with the hurt inside” .

These may work for a while but negative expressions of anger devastate relationships and create more brokenness in our lives as we grow. The result can feel like a broken life. Because we don’t know how to behave to repair the situation. The good news is that this is learnable. For most of us we just haven’t been taught yet.

There are 4 ways that anger is often expressed. Let’s discover which way we choose. See which you identify with most often.

4 Types of Angry Behaviors

The four types of anger expression are:

• the exploder
• the somatizer
• the self-punisher
• the underhander

Which type are you? You may be a different type in different situations and with different people. It is a good idea to track this for a few days

Record the following and review in the evening:

1. What was the situation surrounding my getting angry?
2. Who was I angry with?
3. What did I do?
4. What did they do?
5. What was the result.

Reflect: Did it feel as though your emotions were being hijacked (out of control)?

Anger makes dull men witty, but it keeps them poor. – Elizabeth I

RENFORCEMENT

Remember that we had to learn negative expressions of anger! In all of our relationships we are constantly learning to behave in ways that satisfy a desire for us. Sometimes the desire is to demonstrate our importance or to let others know they are insignificant. Note that by being angry with others we are actually giving them a lot of power over us, in that we are expending time and energy to pay attention to them in our anger, when if they really were insignificant we would ignore them.

Anyway,   we learn in childhood how to be angry and how to deal with anger and what are appropriate or acceptable expressions of anger and what is acceptable expressions of anger. The anger really is an expression that we are hurt. And our expressions and behaviors are the ways we learned to deal with the hurt inside.

Sometimes we even feel justified in our anger and “venting” but it is not always the best way to resolve the issue. Some of us have to suffer serious consequences before we see that we are not getting anywhere, that we finally hit the wall. Maybe the point when we realize we have to change involves the law, maybe devastated relationships, or loss of employment but even then we don’t know exactly what to do, because we haven’t been taught.

Let’s make a distinction, aggression is not the same as anger. Aggression means “to assault” or “to attack”. Aggression is a behavior intended to threaten or injure the victim’s security or self-esteem. Aggression’s goal is inflicting pain or injury on others (or objects).   Whether words, fists, or weapons are involved, aggression is virtually always designed to punish.

Lets go over each of the Anger styles in order.

[box type=”bio”] Anger is just anger. It isn’t good. It isn’t bad. It just is. What you do with it is what matters. It’s like anything else. You can use it to build or to destroy. You just have to make the choice. – Jim Butcher, White Night[/box]

Anger Style 1 Exploders

I am sure we can all imagine exactly what that looks like. People who use this technique have learned that when they appear to “go ballistic” others back away and give in so they achieve the results they are after. There is a cost on the body to be an exploder. Lot’s of adrenalin, increased blood pressure and worse.

Anger Style 2 Underhander

Underhanders are clever in their anger expression. They have a number of techniques that they use to express their anger. They are slipper magicians trying to manipulate the situation and deliver subtle revenge. Here are some of the techniques: They can use humor or play dumb. They can pretend to be nice but it is always detectable and unpleasant. Here are some other techniques that underhanders use to deliver hurt to others:

• Joking
• Sarcasm
• Gossip
• Asking questions designed to hurt
• Icing out (being cold)
• Pointing out the other person’s obvious flaws
• Being late (this delivers a clear message on who is important in their mind)
• Failing in work or school
• Having extramarital affairs

All these techniques are designed to deliver pain to the other person in ways that are sometimes subtle. 

Some Underhanders are Pouters

Pouters always let you know they are unhappy. They talk a little, very little. They may smile but it is a knowing smile that let’s you know they are unhappy. They may say they are fine or ok, but people rarely are with that response. Their goal is to let you know they are hurt and that you are responsible and should runt to them and make it better. This is a technique where they get to punish and get their way.

Some Underhanders are Dart-Throwers.

Dart throwers do just that, they throw darts. They take aim and send fault/guilt back at others. It may easily be unrelated to what they are angry about. They are creative, and intelligent. They are often intensely concerned with how they compare to others. They do not take other people’s feelings seriously. You can imagine how this impairs relationships. You can imagine how uncomfortable this behavior makes people feel.

Anger makes you smaller, while forgiveness forces you to grow beyond what you are. – Cherie Carter-Scott

Anger Style 3 Somatizers

As the name implies somatizers sleep when under stress. Sleep under stress can be a symptom of a variety of brain chemical issues and depression and is worth asking a physician for help.

It is a way for the body to protect itself and has a chemical and psychological component. You can imagine that under fight/flight sleep is a way to not address the stressor. Under stress the adrenaline and other released chemicals can tend to exhaust the body.

It is indeed a way to move away from the stress and push down the anger that may be felt. After all, when you have junk you don’t want and can’t quite get rid of it you put it in the closet where you don’t have to look at it. • when you have junk you throw it in the closetIt also conveys a clear message to the other party that this situation is more than I can handle and also may deliver a measure of guilt to the other party of “Look what you did to me”. This is a technique again to control the situation.

Anger Style 4 Self Punishers

if someone is mad at someone else, why would they take it out on themselves? There are a variety of reasons. They may not know where to put the anger. They may feel helpless or trapped. They may want to punish the other person, again by giving the message “Look what you make me do.” They may want to change the dynamic by eliciting sympathy from the other person and so remove the argument or anger from the situation.

I want you to notice something. None of these techniques resolve the situation. The all pit people against each other so that one is dominant and one is submissive. The thing that caused the anger becomes a contest to win or lose or give up and egos are heavily involved.

Whate’ers begun in anger ends in shame. – Benjamin Franklin

What are your anger styles?

The point is we have to change how we behave and react and think if we will affect change. Remember that in a relationship only one person has to commit to change to enact change in the relationship. The other person will change as a matter of course.

Why am I angry?

It is important to focus on either fear or frustration. Frustration is often related to unmet expectations or the thought that we are being treated unfairly or don’t measure up in someone elses eyes (Why is she treating me like this? She must not think much of me).

Here is an exercise to discover your anger styles.

When	Angry at Whom	Why	My Anger Style	What was the effect of my style	Other’s Anger Style	How Did Their Anger Style Affect Me?

Notice that you may have different anger styles or responses to different situations or people. It may be the same response all the time with the same person or it may be that you react the same way each time to similar situations.

Now you know a lot about yourself. Look at your list again. Did things work out well for the relationship. Not did you get what you wanted. Do you think that the other person was as satisfied as you with the outcome? Maybe not.

Let’s try to change one of them. Pick an event/relationship and focus on how you behave now. If you think back you may be able to think of situations where you employed this technique successfully to get what you wanted. Write that down. Since the technique you are focusing on is not working now. It is time to change it. I want you to consciously think that you don’t want to use this strategy in that situation next time.

Now each person is a little different and there are a variety of ways to change this – an accountability partner – tell someone you want to change this behavior and you will let them know the next time it occurs and how you did. Try keeping a diary of your plans, areas to improve and steps you will use to improve and keep notes. Remember to be forgiving since we are not always perfect fist time out of the gate.

Here is an exercise. We can modify the table we were using above.

It is a good idea to set aside some time away from others.

Now, choose one event/relationship from the table above and let’s analyze it.

“What do I want from this encounter?” or “What do I want from this encounter which will contribute most to the kind of long-term relationship I want to have with this person?”

Brainstorm ideas (free form – no wrong answers and don’t discard any ideas).

Write down how you want to be treated, how you envision the relationship and perhaps how disagreements are resolved.

Also identify ideas about how you can get what you want?

And ideas about What is an effective strategy?

Relationship	What I want from the relationship/encounter	List strategies	Possible effects (mine)	Possible effects (theirs)
1

Then review the the ideas and strategies. Winnow the list down to three strategy items to

do and make a commitment to try one of them next time this occurs. Record your results. If it worked the way you wanted then you found a winner, if not, try the next.

Timing is key. If you ask this before you know why you are angry, it can lead to inaccurate and negative responses. Go for long-term best interests. Reflect on your anger values to help you answer this question. Your anger values are how you react and how you react to anger in others.

[box type=”bio”] Anger is an acid that can do more harm to the vessel in which it is stored than to anything on which it is poured. – Mark Twain[/box]

Anger Solutions

The emotional brain works very fast: within fifteen milliseconds (15/1000) after you perceive  danger, your amygdala processes the information, rapidly scans the situation, and performs a quick pattern recognition.

So when your wife says, “You are not going to leave your tools in the middle of the garage, are you?” what she says and how she says it raises your guard. Her tone of voice sounds critical and her comment belittling. Your amygdala scans your memories for other situations similar to this one. Then in a split second, without your being aware that it’s happening, your brain recalls all the times you were cleaning up your toys when your mother would poke her head in the door and say, “Clean up your mess now…” Even if what your spouse says slightly resembles a past need to hurtful experience, your amygdala will fire the alarms, priming you to react as if it were certain it had a perfect match. So you react in the automatic and familiar way you know and sarcastically say to your wife, “I already am; do you really need to be so controlling?”

Here is some good news. Our brains like to be efficient and so they are really good at pattern recognition. It is a time saver. In the event of danger you want to recognize the danger quickly and either fight or flee. Back in the caveman days, there was little time to respond and so a quick response could be a life saver. The bad news, as you can see from the example above, is that this pattern recognition can lead us to build dysfunction in our lives when we don’t want it. However, since we are pattern based in many respects we can relearn effective healthy patterns. It doesn’t take long, In fact I am reminded of the time I quit smoking (for good( and the counselor made a point of drilling in to us that it takes a month to create a habit and about a month to break a habit.

If you did the exercises above you have a pretty good idea of how you behave when you’re angry and what you would like to change.

Don’t hold to anger, hurt or pain. They steal your energy and keep you from love. – Leo Buscaglia

Patterns

We form patterns in our brains, sort of like a route you like to go. I have found myself following a route to the grocery store but I really wanted to go to the post office. I started out on the path ok and then went into auto-pilot and here I am. Sometimes we follow a particular pattern (“That’s the way I do it” and we aren’t interested in trying another way. I have put the coffee cups into a new cabinet at home and it takes me a while to not go to the old cabinet when I want coffee.

There is a certain amount of discomfort in practicing the new pattern but this will be worth it. We will learn new ways to be that are helpful not hurtful. So what we have to do is train our brain. The good news is that this is do-able. Here are four things to recognize.

1. Dysfunctional Anger Patterns

We may be justified in our anger and our hurt, but our destructive anger styles will not help us get what we want or improve relationships or build connection. It only creates separation.

2 ) Destructive expression of anger makes relationships dysfunctional. Imagine if someone were angry at you in an inappropriate way (one of the four we mentioned above), fight or flight could easily kick-in and that does not resolve core issues or create connection

Short term victories aren’t good enough. You might have an explosive episode and get your way, but you have damaged the relationship. What is needed is long term change so you can change your whole relationship system. Dysfunctional behavior spreads like a bad infection: Husband hollers at wife, wife is short tempered with the children, the children have fights at school. Let’s take a hand and short circuit the problem.

The sharpest sword is a word spoken in wrath. – Gautama Buddha

3) You can retrain your brain.

Just the way we learn anything, practice is needed. You can start expressing yourself in ways that don’t damage.

Be clear. Set boundaries. Express expectations. Be gracious.

Use a table like this one to think of the strategies you will try to control anger and respond positively. Remember it takes a conscious effort to not engage in a struggle. I have sometimes found it useful to say” I know you are hurt and I want to hear what you are saying because you are important to me. Right now I don’t want to be angry, so I am going to take a timeout for a few minutes and then if it is ok I want to come back and talk with you”. Then go back and rally validate, and listen to the other person’s pain. If part of it is yours to own, then own it and apologize. We will discuss apologies and forgiveness later, but if it is possible for you to imagine how they feel it will go miles for you to form a heart connection and let them know they have been heard.

Relationship	What I want from the relationship/encounter	List strategies	Outcomes

How do you repair it when you’ve blown it? Ask how you hurt them and give them time.

Ask “what do you need from me?”

It is also important to learn to repair because of the way the other feels, not just that we feel guilty. Our empathy for others is critical because then we are repairing relations not just ourselves.

Remember we love to blame others. Pointing a finger of guilt to others:

• seems to take the focus away from our own real problems
• makes us feel better about ourselves
• comes naturally

The more we point the finger the more hurtful and chaotic the relationship will be.

Let me remind you that the only thing we need to worry about is repairing our own behaviors. It is the only thing we can change. We can’t directly change others and it is not our responsibility to change them. It is their responsibility to choose healthy behaviors. They may change in response to your changes though. You are not a victim, you are in control of this process of change. Be responsible for all of your own emotions and happiness. Love unconditionally no matter how you are treated. Focus on your reactions, not the other person’s or your external circumstances.

Video: Anger in Relationships

Dr. Gunzburg gives a helpful tip on how you can control your anger, and avoid taking out your anger on your spouse.