People in stable, long-term relationships and marriages often feel rejected by their partner at one time or another.
While many such experiences are mild, when they recur over long periods of time, they can be extremely painful. Indeed, being repeatedly rejected by your partner can damage your self-esteem and psychological health—and endanger the entire relationship.
The key 4 types of rejection are:
- Material rejection. Maybe you want the big screen TV, or the floral colored wall paper. Your spouse may not. This one doesn’t seem to be a big deal, and may be easy to handle.
- Verbal rejection. When one spouse attempts to talk, and the other doesn’t respond in a kind way, it is a form of rejection. In addition, this type could be in the form of harsh words spoken as well as not speaking at all.
- Physical rejection. Sexual or intimate rejection may have been the first thing you thought of when reading the title of this post. It can cause the downfall of many marriages, and not just when the wife rejects the husband’s attempts to have sex, but vice versa.
- Emotional rejection. Have you ever had a dream? I mean a HUGE dream, but your dream was crushed when unappreciated, mocked, or discouraged by your spouse? This could be one of the most damaging rejections.
Rejections Involving Intimacy and Sex
This is usually tougher for men than it is for women. Men get hurt and our pride prevents us from acknowledging it. This starts the process of isolation, and allows your thoughts to run wild with negativity. Don’t allow it, by openly and honestly discussing your feelings in love. Not shouting, blaming, or arguing, but calmly discussing.
These guidelines may help:
- Tell your partner you need to talk and decide on a time you can have an uninterrupted conversation (not while you’re getting ready for work in the morning).
- Once you have their full attention, present the facts as clearly and non-judgmentally as you can (“We haven’t had sex in six months, despite the few times I’ve tried to initiate it,” or, “You used to hold my hand and put your arm around me and you no longer do.”). Some people might be very aware of their behavior, but others might not. Give your spouse the benefit of the doubt and see how they respond before assuming they’ve been aware of their behavior and indifferent to the damage it has caused.
- State the emotional impact their rejections have on you using “I statements” (“It makes me feel extremely unattractive and undesirable,” “I feel hurt and my self-esteem has taken a real hit,” or, “It makes me feel insecure, angry, and resentful.”). Here again, it is important to give your partner space to respond; while some may be aware of the impact of their behavior, others might not be.
- State a clear request for change (“It isn’t fair to me and I don’t want to keep feeling like this,” “We’ve spoken about this before, you make some efforts but they don’t last. I need you to take this very seriously,” or, “I want us to discuss this honestly and find solutions together.”).
- If your partner gets defensive or is reluctant to change, ask them to explain how they see things, what suggestions they have for making things better, or whether there are things they are upset about that are motivating their behavior.
- Discuss specific steps you both can take to improve the situation. Do not assume all the changes have to come from your partner; they might have feelings of their own that are underlying their avoidance of sex and intimacy. Try to agree on one small step you can both take right away to signal your intention to work on this issue.
- Request a periodic check-in to make sure any efforts or changes are maintained (“I want us to check in on this every few weeks to make sure things have improved,” or, “I would like you to take the initiative to check in with me so I know you care about whether I’m feeling better about this.”).
Source:
What to Do When You Feel Rejected
Adam Smith