When you suspect your partner is cheating on you, the best course of action to take is to wait until your partner is in a relaxed state, and you are in a calm state, and ask them directly. Tell them why you believe this is true. Direct communication of your feelings is always the best. However, as infidelity occurs so frequently in relationships, we can assume honest communication is difficult.
In this section of the infidelity recovery institute website, we will offer advice to the person who believes their spouse maybe cheating on them. The goal is to gather the evidence, and discover the truth. If your spouse is having an affair, we provide advice on what you should do. However if your spouse is not having an affair, then you yourself need to commit to putting 100% into trusting yourself and your spouse, and understanding how to have an emotionally engaging & passionate relationship. If they have been proven innocent you need to put the situation behind you and stop punishing them.
In those circumstances it may be necessary to revisit the relationship and examine what led you to have such suspicions. It is quite a big deal to accuse someone of having an affair. Is it about you and how you feel unloved or under-valued in the relationship? Or is it about your relationship failing to nurture both yours and your partner’s emotional and intimate needs? You may require some assistance through marital or relationship counseling to identify any recurring themes or inadequacies in the relationship.
The circumstances that led you to believe the worst need to be dealt with, as well as the lack of communication and trust issues. You will still need to put some work into rebuilding your relationship as a couple. You may be able to do this on your own, but a marriage counselor will be able to deliver a more conclusive and mutually satisfying result.
I know at the moment the only thought in your head is whether or not your partner is having an affair.
It may have been like this for weeks on end. Now, just like any other traumatic experience you may have had in your life, you are going to have to take a moment to think how you will prepare yourself for good or bad news. At the time of finding out you may not think straight and see anything past this moment.
First things first. How are you going to catch your partner cheating on you?
When you suspect your partner is cheating on you, you need to resist your first instinct to confront your partner and accuse them. While this may seem like the most logical thing to do, you have to resist this strong instinct and think carefully and strategically.
If you expose your suspicions immediately, what sort of response do you hope to get? Is it likely to bring you closer to the proof, or jeopardize your chances of knowing for sure what is really happening?
If you don’t have any proof, or your proof is just circumstantial, the most likely response you will get is denial. If you can’t prove without a doubt that you know about their affair, there is little you will be able to do that will refute their denial.
From a strategic point of view, you will have jeopardized your chances of catching your partner in the act because you will have alerted them to your suspicion. In future they will be more careful to hide their tracks, making it harder for you to find proof. If you claim ignorance, and don’t confront your partner, they will have no reason to think you suspect anything. In fact, they may become reckless and become complacent when it comes to hiding evidence of their affair.
As well as listening out for slips of the tongue, you can also watch for other signs, like when your partner comes home smelling of soap, a different change of clothes, or with damp hair. It may be something as small as a sudden need to shower when they come in the door, or avoiding kissing or hugging you until they have been to the bathroom. Do their actions correlate with what you are told, or is there a need to look closer? Don’t confront, just make a note of it, and wait for the next indiscretion or slip-up.
The longer you are able to maintain the illusion of ignorance the more proof you will be able to gather. Remember, without concrete proof, you should never accuse your partner. Not only is there the likelihood they will deny it and make it harder for you to prove their guilt, but there is also the possibility, however unlikely, of you being wrong.
A private investigator is not always an affordable option, so the key to your success is in thinking of ways you and your support person may be able to catch them. Check their cell phone for inappropriate texts or calls. Make a note of their work patterns and check if their home arrival times deviate from those working patterns. Follow them to the gym or if he or she is working late. Check their gym equipment to see if it has been used. If they say they have stopped at a shop or a bar, see if you can find evidence of this with receipts picked up in their pockets later.
Have all the hard evidence there before you give it to your cheating partner. If it is all there, there is no way they can get out of it. Surprising them with the evidence doesn’t give them time to make up excuses. Also keep it for any legal purposes, as it may come in handy.
In that one moment, you can change the course of the rest of your life. Take some time to consider your options and discuss this through with your support person.
- Make a plan and write it down. Writing it down is important because at the time you may not be able to see it clearly. If it is written down you will know exactly what you want to do and not change your mind because your emotions will also be so strong.
- You also need to prepare yourself if your partner isn’t actually cheating. Be careful not to take your actions too far before you have sufficient proof of guilt.
- Choose a support person that you trust completely like a family member or best friend that will help you from start to finish. Be 100% sure this is not your partner’s lover. Talk to them as soon as you start to think there is something strange going on, as it is always good to express your opinion to someone and they can tell you their point of view.Ask them earlier on if you can stay at their house at any point if you do find out. Now you know you have someone to lean on and somewhere to go in your time of need, it will lessen the pain as you won’t be on your own.
- If you don’t have anyone that you can go to, check out support groups in your community. You may also have to check out any shelters or motels in your area if you feel you cannot stay in your house and your partner won’t leave. When it comes down to it, it is important to have a sanctuary or some place you can go if you need to be alone for a while.
- Decide beforehand if you think you would actually want to stay with your partner and if you think you could forgive them. I want you to give this point some special thought. A lot hinges on this decision, so don’t let your first emotive declaration be your final decision.
- Do you still love your partner? Do you still want to be married? Do you think you could forgive them if they asked you for forgiveness? What implications is your decision going to have on your future?
- If you want to stay together think of all the things partner and things you want to change about your your opportunity to re-evaluate the relationship as a is going wrong, and discuss what changes need to move forward.
- Think of all the things you want to say and feelings you want to express. At the time you may remember everything and you can’t say it later on when the time has passed. They should know exactly how you feel to see what it is they have done, they have to accept responsibility for what they have done.
- Keep all your evidence and ask people to remember the infidelities just in case you go to court. Ask around and find good lawyers for a good price. Good lawyers cost about the same as bad ones. Lawyers that are recommended by friends are the best.
- Save up some cash so you aren’t left with nothing. Even though it is your partner that cheated, they may not leave the house and you may not be able to stand living with them. It is better at times like this that you both have some space to think.
- Make sure you have enough cash for a couple of weeks. You may need to sort out a loan from the bank beforehand if you have expenses that need covering such as rent deposits and bonds. Check with the bank if you need to freeze any joint accounts and credit cards because your partner may spend your money once you have gone.
Stay calm! If you start jumping up and down, screaming and hitting (as much as you want to) your partner may think you are unstable and pathetic. If you are strong and pulled together, your partner will be worried because they know that they are not going to get away with it, and that you will not be walked over. It will also show that you are not needy of your partner, which will scare them because they may think you will leave them.
Don’t lash out in a time of anger. As much as you may be tempted and feel you are justified, violence is never an acceptable reaction. Retain your self-control and your dignity and find alternative ways to vent frustrations.
WHAT IS CHEATING?
How do you decide if cheating is cheating or if temptation is cheating? This is a hard question to answer as everyone has different feelings and opinions towards cheating.
For women, kissing and sex is more of an emotional experience rather than a physical experience, whereas for men it is the opposite. Therefore, a kiss maybe a big deal to a wife, where the husband may not understand what all the hype is about. So from the beginning, men and women are going to have different views on what cheating actually is.
A kiss is something very passionate and emotional, and something that two people share that confirms their feelings for each other. A kiss is also what usually leads to sex. A kiss is more forgivable than sex because they held back from going any further.
If it didn’t go any further than a kiss, why is that? Was it because they stopped on their own account, or because they felt guilty because they knew what they were doing was wrong?
Sometimes a guilty kiss can confirm for a cheater that they truly do love their partner and don’t want to have a lover. Or were they caught, so obviously couldn’t go any further, but would they have if they hadn’t been caught?
When someone is in a relationship they may like to have a little attention from the opposite sex to boost their self-esteem, and it makes them feel like they are still attractive and haven’t become just another half in a relationship. It may start of as a harmless boost to an otherwise sagging self-esteem. Fuelled by alcohol, a little harmless flirting can quickly turn into a naughty kiss before they realize what is even going on.
Now on the other hand, sex is definitely cheating. There is no way anyone can accidentally have sex and if they try to tell you otherwise they are an idiot. As quick as some people manage to have sex there is always the planning time beforehand that allows time to think about what they are about to do.
If your partner is out in public and meets someone they want to have sex with there will be time to discuss where they are going to go to have sex. Whether it is outside somewhere, a motel or hotel, or back to one of their houses, the traveling time is time enough to realize the wider implications of what they are doing.
Even worse is when it is planned with their lover to meet somewhere and there is even more time to think about it. No matter how drunk a person was, this is no excuse. They will still realize what they are doing is wrong.
If your partner is constantly hanging out with someone this doesn’t necessarily mean they are cheating. It may point towards the potential of cheating, but your poof of your partner’s infidelity may be unfounded or inconclusive. There may be the intention to cheat, but it may not have actually happened yet.
You need to approach this situation delicately. This isn’t cheating, but you should make your feelings clear that you are unhappy with the situation. Don’t forbid them from seeing this other person altogether otherwise they will feel controlled.
Your partner may tell you they are worried because they are having feelings toward someone else. Don’t treat them like a cheater. They have come to you and told you because they need you to know. Talk to them. At least they know it is wrong and respect you enough to tell you. They realize that they love you and don’t want to go any further because if they did they wouldn’t have told you.
Don’t scream and shout, they came to you because they trust you and feel your relationship is strong enough to fix the problem. Otherwise they may not come to you next time. When you talk about it, ask all the questions you want to. Make it clear how you feel and that if your partner really wants to save your relationship they should make an effort to spend less time with the person they have feelings for.
This is not cheating but if you don’t do anything about it then it may turn into something more.
WHY YOU NEED TO KNOW
Trust and communication are one of the most important qualities in a relationship, and without either of these qualities a relationship cannot truly work. If one partner is feeling that their partner is cheating, the trust has been broken. Subsequently, this loss of trust can have an adverse affect on communication.
Whether a partner is or isn’t having an affair, the problem has to be fixed to the point that both partners feel 100% happy and trustful in the relationship. If one partner is only 95% happy and trusting then the problem is still there and given time will only become more of a problem.
When you are in a relationship with a person the last thing you want to find out is that they are having or have had an affair. But worse than this is the feeling of not knowing for sure. You may have a gut instinct that they are cheating but until it has been proven with solid evidence or they have admitted to having an affair, you never really know.
Just think, you have a gut instinct for a reason. The difference in your partners behavior, lack of time they are spending at home these days, it doesn’t come from nowhere. There are reasons why you need to find out if your partner is cheating. On the other hand if your partner isn’t, then you need to know so that you can trust them again.
Finding out is the first step to your future, with your partner or on your own. All problems need to be solved, not swept under the mat. The sooner a problem gets resolved the easier it is to move on.
If a problem gets swept under the mat, it doesn’t go away. The lingering fear and doubt still remains, and in many cases more damage is done. When it comes time to resolving it, the thought of tackling such a painful and insurmountable issue may be too much for some people. That’s why it’s better to get the truth and dispel the doubts as soon as possible.
One of the most important reasons you have to find out if your partner is cheating or not is to know what your future holds. Do you stay together or not? This is also one of the main reasons why partners don’t try to find out. They are scared of facing the future without a partner so they prefer to turn a blind eye that face up to the reality of infidelity.
It may not seem like it at the time, but it is better to know and deal with the consequences than turn a blind eye. You may be able to fool others, but you can’t fool yourself. If you plan to stay together and build on your relationship there may be hard times that a counselor may need to help with.
If you separate, it sounds harsh but at least you are better off without the hurt and distrust in your life. Once you are gone, your partner will also realize what they have lost which is punishment enough. As hard as it may be, and trust me it will, you will need to focus solely on your own happiness. Your life can truly begin now.
When a cheating partner is questioned by their partner if they are cheating, of course they are going to deny it because the consequences of their honesty could spell the end of the relationship. In most cases, that’s not what they want. A cheater most often wants the familiarity and security of a relationship, but also wants to retain the spice and exhilaration of an affair. Why give up one when you can have both?
Having a cheating partner can also affect your personality and they way you react and feel towards others. It lowers you self-confidence, lowers the belief you once had in yourself, makes you anxious, stops you from trusting others, even your friends. By someone cheating on you it makes you feel like you are not enough for them and that they could do better. The irony is that the more your fears get the better of you and darken your mood, the more your fears become a reality.
If one partner knows their partner is cheating (even if they can’t prove it) then every time their partner goes out they will ask them a million and one questions like “Where you going? Who with? How long?” You become the person you hate: the needy, clingy, insecure partner who has less self esteem and personal power than the one you love.
Rather than being their equal, your self esteem pushes you further and further down, and can pushes your loved one further away.
When there are children involved either from your relationship or previous relationships, cheating definitely can’t be tolerated. Adults sometimes think children are young and naïve, but they can see and sense a lot more than you may think. There minds are a blank canvas. If they hear mum and dad accusing each other or see infidelities in their marriage, they may grow up thinking this is the norm. Further down the track these children may start to accuse their own partners, and maybe even cheat on them because they mould their relationships around those that influenced them in their childhood.
A denying partner has to be found out, so if you are sure your partner is cheating you have to go to any lengths you can to prove this. It will show both yourself and your partner that you are not silly. Knowing the truth can set you free from your torment, and you can focus on the next step, which may involve fixing the relationship or ending it.