Balancing “I” and “We” in Relationships

When there is too much “I” and not enough “We.”

When maintaining a sense of closeness is not a priority, intimacy atrophies. It can happen gradually. One day you wake up and suddenly realize you just feel so… far away… from your partner. How did that happen? And how do you get back that sense of “we”?

Here are some practical tips for becoming more connected with your partner:

• Just say no.
  • Sometimes we simply take on too many outside obligations and stretch ourselves too thin. Allow yourself to say “no” to activities that take too much time or energy away from your relationship.
• Date your mate.
  • Start having a weekly date night. Mark it on the calendar, schedule the babysitter, and when the time arrives, relax and enjoy yourselves!
• Make a bucket list together.
  • Mix it up with both short-term and long-term so that you can start crossing things off right away while still dreaming and planning for your future together.
• Try something new – together.
  • Take a sushi-making or painting class, or try out the latest fitness craze. Even if you make fools of yourselves, you’ll share some laughs and feel closer in the process.
• Have a daily “check-in”.
  • Set aside time each day, whether it’s 15 minutes or an hour, where you give each other your undivided attention—no smartphones! Use the following prompts (or create your own):
    • What was stressful/rewarding for you today?
    • What made you happy today?
    • Today you were a great partner because _____.
    • I felt confident in/when _____.
    • I felt insecure or vulnerable in/when _____.

Ideas for better communication include:

♥ Learning how to communicate effectively through the use of “I-statements.”
♥ Validating what your spouse is saying or feeling.
♥ Complimenting your spouse and letting them know that you appreciate them.
♥ Spending uninterrupted time together (no children, phones, dogs, etc.).
♥ Engaging in hobbies or shared interests together, such as hiking, kayaking, painting, trying new restaurants, etc.
♥ Taking the time to show your spouse that you love them, which includes acts of physical intimacy.
♥ Leaving love notes for one another or sending random e-mails/texts throughout the day to express your love for your partner.
♥ Working as a team to conquer difficult tasks, such as family finances, upcoming events or parenting.
♥ Doing something that you know your spouse will appreciate – whether it’s surprising them with a dozen roses or doing the dishes unexpectedly.

Building that sense of intimacy and connection takes time and consistency, which is why small check-ins each day can help you increase your closeness even amidst the hectic pace of everyday life. Who knows? You might even get crazy and plan a whole day to spend together!