The Biggest Waste Of Time We Regret When We Get Older

Trying to Make Bad Relationships Work

Relationships require maintenance, but there’s a difference between maintaining a good relationship and trying to force a bad one that doesn’t make much sense to begin with.

There’s a lot of emotion in romance and friendships, so sometimes it’s hard to tell when you should keep trying or you should just call it quits. Like a lot of people, I made some common bad decisions that wasted both my time and the time of the person I was with. For example:

• Thinking I have more in common with the person I’m dating than I actually do.
• Being in a relationship just to avoid loneliness.
• Staying in a relationship only out of fear of losing the person.

There are good reasons for wanting to make a relationship work, but those aren’t good ones. They cloud your judgment, prolong your unhappiness and distract you from things that matter to you most. At the same time, it’s hard to say all bad relationships are a total waste of time, because you learn a lot about yourself from them. That’s a valid silver lining, but still, the sooner you learn those lessons, the better.

Similarly, not dealing with the emotional impact of a breakup is also a big waste of time. When a relationship ends, we usually go through the typical stages of grief associated with loss. It’s easy to get comfortable with denial and convince ourselves we don’t really care and we’re fine. In reality, ignoring the pain only prolongs it. Our work suffers; the rest of our relationships suffer.

Issues that are most difficult  to recover from include:

Broken Trust

Trust is one of the most important building blocks of any relationship, and if you or your partner did something to break it, it can be hard to let go. Perhaps they cheated, invaded your privacy, or shared your secrets with their friends. It’s easy to say “forgive and forget”, but it isn’t so simple. If, at the end of the day, they can’t regain your trust, the relationship might not be salvageable.

If you want to try and fix it, it’s important for both parties to focus on a resolution instead of the details. Part of that is letting go of the past. Then, work to reach a clear compromise, and move forward holding true to that compromise.

If you’re the one who’s done the betraying, understand your role in the resolution.

A betrayal is a broken agreement, implicit or explicit, that is considered vital to the integrity of a relationship. The capacity of a relationship to recover from a betrayal has a lot to do with the responses, particularly on the part of the betrayer to the situation. The more open and non-defensive they are, the more likely it is that there will be resolution. When both partners are committed to this as an outcome, the likelihood increases exponentially.

If you’re the one who can’t let go: it’s tough to know when to trust your gut or your mind with these situations, but this one calls for logic. Try to be objective and observe the changes your partner is making. Let the past go for the moment, and give them the benefit of the doubt while the two of you work through the situation. Encourage them to keep going in a direction that benefits the relationship, rather than bring up past actions and use them as fuel in questioning their current ones.

If one of you simply can’t bring yourself to play your part, or you have tried and it’s just not working, your relationship might be too damaged to move forward right now.

Abuse

Let’s be clear: There’s physical abuse, and emotional abuse. In both cases, you should get out right away. Often the two collide, but not always. We’re often told to get out of physically abusive relationships immediately, but the damage an emotionally abusive partner can do is also significant, and shouldn’t be overlooked.

If you’re not sure what an emotional abuser looks like, watch out for controlling and accusing actions. They will manipulate you with tools like humiliation and the silent treatment, and they’re often extremely codependent, as if you’re an extension of themselves rather than your own person. They might just be plain mean or condescending. Remember that the signs can be subtle.

An abusive partner will convince you that you’re something you’re not. Physically abusive partners tend to be emotionally abusive as well, but some partners are emotionally abusive without getting physical. Either way, if they attack you physically or emotionally, the shoe here fits.

Settling in a relationship with an abuser never has a happy ending. If you’re in a relationship with an abuser and your partner is already unstable or physical, don’t chance it. Get out. If you truly and honestly think your emotionally abusive partner is willing and stable enough to make a change, get professional help — you can’t handle this alone. Then you know you’ve given the relationship a shot with therapy, forgiveness, and patience. If it’s not working, or heaven forbid, you’re in danger, cut ties. You’ll be much happier elsewhere.

These are just a few of the many things that pose serious threats to relationships, and you can waste years off your life waiting for the situation or feeling to change.

There are some questions you can ask yourself no matter the circumstance:

1. Have I clearly and consistently communicated the issue(s)?
2. Have I done my part, and given my partner a fair shot to do theirs?
3. Have we exhausted all options for improving, and things just aren’t working?