How do you catch a cheating partner?

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“Julia” shares with us how she was able to uncover the web of lies and deceit caused by her husbands affair.

Following dday, I became a sleuthing master.  Although my husband had ended his affair, promised that it was over, and had given me some very basic information, he was not easily offering up the details on what happened over the last four years.  A combination of shame, fear of what would happen if I knew it all, confusion over what had happened, continued fog, an overwhelming number of details, and the desire to cover his own ass all hindered him from telling the full extent of his betrayal.  Mostly, he seemed to hang onto a hope that if he kept his secrets, I would “get over it,” more quickly.

Nothing could be further from the reality of what I needed.  The last four years now presented themselves as nearly blank pages in my life-book.  It was as though a form of amnesia had fallen over me and I couldn’t rest until each line was filled in.  I felt a massive lack of control by not knowing what had happened in my own life and serious anxiety over what could happen in the future if I didn’t put the puzzle together as soon as possible.  I knew that my husband’s word could not be trusted as fact and that he would surely omit information as he saw fit despite his reluctant willingness to partake in my marathon questioning.

And so, in a panicked state, I began searching for evidence that would allow me to form questions, confirm his story, clarify where he seemed confused or put him in a position of having to fess up to further details. I couldn’t gather information fast enough.  By day, I would anxiously await the few minutes I could question Jon during his work breaks; questions that were spurred by triggers, previous conversations, posts online by other betrayed spouses, the terrifying mind movies that went through my head at night, and bits of evidence I’d come across.  When we couldn’t talk soon enough to quench my desire for answers, or when I didn’t think I’d get the truth from him, I’d seek it out on my own by going through documents and accounts.  When he arrived home each day, I would quietly pounce on his with the list of questions or confront him with evidence that had haunted me all afternoon.  Our conversations went on late into the evening and by night, I tossed and turned, trying to make sense of all that I had learned.

I was relentless and I’m sure it greatly annoyed him to be hunted down and interrogated several times each day – but I didn’t care.  The mind movies, triggers, panic attacks, anxiety, confusion and fear of abandonment that I was experiencing was also relentless.  The discomfort that he felt didn’t even compare to the constant pain I was in.  He had made this bed.  He could sleep in it.  I became a detective over night and I’m glad I did.  So much was yielded from my sleuthing that I am certain I wouldn’t have ever gotten the complete story if I had simply relied on his account.

My search began with the places where I knew he already had evidence in waiting.  The resources I sought out expanded through revelations.  As much as he attempted to cover his tracks, unfaithful spouses, especially in a long-term affair, often make mistakes.

Check these 13 Top Mistake Areas

1. Facebook:  Although my husband had deleted the other woman as a “friend” on Facebook, he had not blocked her and therefore could message her by simply searching her name, writing and then deleting.  Knowing that I was aware of his messages to her in 2010 he, of course, avoided using Facebook as a means of communication afterwards.  That said, he became complacent over the years and sent her a single message in mid 2014 that he didn’t delete and so, there she was, in his messages.  There was even a snippet from a prior 2010 conversation that mentioned deleting their threads so I wouldn’t see.  Additionally, my husband and the other woman shared a common friend.  Over time, he began discussing his relationship with this friend via Facebook messages.  This is where I found a ton of heartbreaking information which he later claims he wrote to the friend in hopes that she would share it with the other woman, convincing her that he was smitten.  I kick myself now for not keeping an eye on his Facebook account after my 2010 discovery.
2. Email: Following my 2010 discovery, my husband opened a secret gmail account.  I actually discovered this account through the aforementioned Facebook conversation with the mutual friend.  I demanded he show it to me.  It was filled with thousands of gut-wrenching messages: I love yous, pet names, sexual stories, itineraries, photos, etc.  It was so painful to see their back-and-forth conversations.  I chose not to read them all and had him delete the account.  In retrospect, I wish I had read each message.   Understanding the nature of the affair helps in answering questions and choosing the right approach to healing.  In addition to his secret account, bits of information was found in his regular account.  Although it wasn’t nearly as comprehensive, it certainly provided clues that they were in contact over the years.
3. LinkedIn: My husband actually had the other woman listed as a networking contact.  They communicated a little via LinkedIn; she’d congratulate him on this or that and my husband even told her that he hoped his willingness to search for jobs in her area would prove to her that he was taking the relationship seriously.
4. Skype:  I believe I “discovered” Skype by simply asking him what modes of communication they had used.  (As the lies unraveled, he was more willing to be upfront when I asked a question; though he rarely offered it up without prompting.)  Skype was one of their main modes of conversation because they had a “no texting, no phone calls,” agreement but, of course, wanted opportunities to have real-time conversations.  He had a Skype app on his phone though I didn’t actually look at its history before I had him delete it.  I actually found most of my Skype evidence via the family computer.
5. Computer: Skype conversations, internet searches, a password file, and services like DropBox proved useful.  I downloaded a program that would allow me to read the cryptic message history of Skype and the passwords I knew helped me to uncover other accounts.
6. Cell Phone: Although they had a, “no calls, no texting,” agreement (they thought those would be most likely noticed by me) there was evidence on his phone.  His iPhone proved more convenient than the family computer and could be used at work and out and about.  He had set his Safari browser to private browsing (it has a black background) and had downloaded Google Chrome (you can use Incognito to leave no trace of websites which is how he accessed his secret email address).  And, of course, the Skype app (there are many, many apps out there for chatting – some that can run on a phone without being visible.)  Over time, he had grown complacent and actually used FaceTime with her – a call went undeleted in the history.  He had logged cryptic information in the “notes” app which turned out to be tracking info for packages sent and her mother’s email address.  Lastly, by putting key words in the iPhone search (you get it by swiping down on the main screen) snippets of email messages popped up.
7. Our Home: My initial discovery in 2014 was of gifts and cards my husband had hidden in our basement.  So, of course, it only made sense to keep digging in those files and boxes.  I found doctored itineraries in one file that I hadn’t noticed before.  He actually put the effort into faking flight and hotel itineraries in order to make his flight to see her look like a legitimate work trip.  He carefully snipped out dates and titles, taping them over the real itinerary and copying them so that I wouldn’t know she had actually made the reservation through her travel agent and that it had been made a couple of months before the time he told me he had a sudden business trip.
8. Frequent flyer mileage clubs: He actually logged one of the legs of his flight out to see her on his United card.  Ridiculous.
9. Backpacks, wallets, etc.:  One of the ways he was able to get in touch with her was by taking advantage of his weekly trip to the gym.   In his backpack for the gym were receipts for prepaid credit cards and itineraries that he had neglected to throw away (he made a point to throw away as much of the paper trail as possible).  In his wallet were a couple of the prepaid cards (which I was able to call and hear the history of purchases on – hotels and gifts, mostly – which contributed to forming a timeline) and even a hotel key he had neglected to throw away.  At first he claimed no money was spent.  It turned out he spent several THOUSANDS of dollars on his affair.  He had a few hundred hidden in a hat box in our bedroom closet for their next meeting that would have taken a place within a few months had I not discovered the affair.
10. Bank records: We have joint bank accounts and automatic deposit for his paychecks.  So how did he collect cash?  He skimmed money off of our account by taking cash back each time he filled the car with fuel.  He did that by going more often than needed and partially filling up so that the total plus 20$ cash back would be close to the amount it’d cost to fill it completely.  He also took out random cash withdrawals from the ATM in the name of needing it for snacks or drinks with his buddies, etc.  By analyzing our accounts with Mint.com’s free budget software (I already had this set up), I could actually see that he’d increases the frequency and amounts of his withdrawals in the time right before she’d visit.
11. Phone records:  Although they had that, “no calling, no texting,” agreement, over the course of four years, they loosened up on their parameters and did he indeed call her.  I pilfered through the online records from our phone company and not only could see when he had called her, I also found calls to listen to his prepaid card balances, to hotels to make or confirm accommodations, and to florists in her area.
12. Text messaging:  Its quite possible that my husband used texting with her.  He claims they did not but I am still not sure.  Because they each had an iPhone, it would have gone through iMessage which would not have been recorded on our phone bill so I will never know (actually, I guess there is software you can use to recover information deleted on an iPhone).  However, I was able to go through messages between him and I to determine dates that he was with her and what bullshit he used to cover his butt.
13. Pay stubs:  When my husband began the physical aspect of this affair, he did so by pretending to go to work.  He would leave home at his usual time and return as expected; he would even contact me on his “break time” to make it all seem legit.  In order to off set this, because surely I’d notice if his paycheck was significantly less, he used paid time off.  Paid time off was recorded on his pay stubs.  I never bothered to check them (why would I?) though he may of suspected I might notice because he actually hid a couple of the relevant pay stubs in his backpack.

I sifted through all this evidence multiple times.  Often times, I’d miss details because I would skim it looking for something specific, I’d be in a panicked hurry, I would forget what I read because my emotions were running so high or I simply wouldn’t recognize the importance of a detail until a later date.  It was necessary to go back and reread as things came to light.  As I mentioned before, I regret having deleted some of the evidence before I had thoroughly looked through it.

Some people feel that sleuthing, even after you discover an affair, is not only unnecessary but an immoral invasion of privacy.  What these people are counting on is for the unfaithful spouse to simply come clean on their own or, if they don’t, for the faithful spouse to accept that they are simply a lost cause.  I disagree with this.  When an unfaithful spouse is coming out of the affair, they are still in a “fog” and often will go through a phase of withdrawal from the affair which encourages them to continue unfaithful behavior.  Even if well intentioned and regretful, they are not likely to be immediately remorseful and honest therefore cannot be trusted.  If the betrayed spouse takes their word at face value, they set themselves up for future disappointment – and continuation of the affair – because the unfaithful spouse will continue their deceitful behavior.  Why?  Well, it works for them and has for a long time.  Until they come to a point where they truly want to do whatever is best for their betrayed spouses, are truly remorseful and putting their spouse first, they will do what they can to save face and keep secrets.

The betrayed spouse has every right to know what has happened and to protect themselves from future betrayal.  They cannot trust their spouse to do anything in their best interest in the days, weeks, and perhaps months that follow dday.  The unfaithful spouse has lost all privileges for privacy because they not only took advantage of that privacy but have proven themselves capable of the most devastating of betrayals when allowed privacy.  The betrayed spouse’s emotional safety takes priority after dday.

[box] Never feel guilty about protecting yourself![/box]

The circumstances of each betrayal will require different approaches to getting information.

Here are 15 more places you might consider looking for evidence of your spouses affair:

1. Dating, advertising and affair sites:  Its horribly disgusting but there are many sites that indirectly and directly encourage infidelity.  Perhaps not using their real name, your spouse may sign up for dating sites like Match.com, advertising sites like Craigslist, and affair sites like Ashley Madison using their regular or secret email accounts.  If you have those account addresses (and hopefully passwords), you can check for accounts simply by using the “forgot password” feature.
2. Social networking:  Facebook, Twitter, Myspace, Google+, SnapChat, and many, many more allow for not only chatting but for undetectable chatting.  Deleting conversations is often enough to cover their tracks.  Some even offer invisible modes so that you will not see the app on their phone.
3. App purchase history:  Check your spouses app purchasing account.  What have they downloaded?  Pay attention to messaging apps and keep in mind that many games allow for chatting within the app.
4. Photos and photo apps:  You may find photo evidence of the affair.  Photos of places unfamiliar to you are worth checking into.  If you find photos of your spouses…um…body…or body parts…know that there are no excusable reasons for taking such photos.  They may share pictures with their affair partner using an app or you might even find photos of your spouse on the affair partners social media pages (don’t be surprised if they’ve already blocked you!)
5. Media sharing apps and sites like YouTube: If they are the sappy sort, they may share music and videos with each other. 
6. Vehicles:  Scour your vehicles for hidden items and receipts.  My husband hid things in the spare-wheel compartment of the trunk (he actually did tell me this during a conversation about what he did to get away with it.)  After dday, some betrayed spouses hide something called a voice-activated-recorder. or VAR, in the vehicle to record conversations that take place. 
7. Friendships:  Many unfaithful spouses will confide in someone.  Lets face it, its a big secret to keep to oneself and, sadly, some like to brag to their buddies.  They will also use outings “with friends” as cover for their whereabouts; don’t be afraid to ask friends to confirm (yes, they may lie!)
8. Device location history:  Some phones have an app that logs the location history of the phone.  Also, when you check out cell phone logs from your phone company, they often will say the town of origin and where the call was received.  Calls made from an unusual place at an unusual time may indicate they were not where they were supposed to be.
9. Location and time stamps from purchases: Check your bank accounts and receipts for the times and locations of purchases.  Time stamps on your bank account aren’t fully reliable as they may post on a later date than the actual purchase took place but it will allow you to get a round about time and to spot trends.  My husband made convenience store and fuel purchases in areas that he shouldn’t have been in.
10. Work place computers:  Adults who have a job spend the majority of their awake hours at work – so it makes sense that they have ways to communicate with their affair partner on the job.  They are well aware that their work accounts are out of your reach.  Don’t be afraid to surprise your spouse with a trip to their office (telling them in advance gives them time to delete things!)  If they claim that their work computer or work email is “private,” contact their employer.  If their job is sensitive in nature, surely their employer has policies in place regarding using business computers and email for personal activities.  Yes, it puts their job at risk.  Oh, well.  We are talking your marriage, here!  Accept no excuses.  Many people can access work email accounts from home.
11. Work place lockers, storage units, gym lockers, etc.:  My husband stored many items he received from the other woman in his work locker, which he did volunteer to bring home.
12.  A “burner” phone:  Some unfaithful spouses, especially those who have access to untraceable cash, purchase a spare phone for the sole purpose of contacting their affair partner and ensuring their spouses won’t discover communications.  You may find one hidden at home but more likely they will stow it in their car or work place.  You might be able to gather evidence from your phone company or receipts regarding the purchase of the phone.
13. The affair partner: Some people choose to confront the affair partner or ask them for the story/evidence.  Whether or not to do this is up to you and your circumstances.  If you choose to do so, do not tell your spouse in advance and try to be swift, because your spouse may coach them.  Of course, you only want to do this if you can be as cool as a cucumber and perhaps in a public place.  Even without them having an opportunity to be coached by your spouse, keep in mind that they may very well lie to you. If they want the affair to continue as is or they don’t want you to tell their spouse, they may downplay it.  If they want your spouse to leave you for them, they may exaggerate things in order to hurt you.  However, if you can go in knowing this, you may be able to get evidence from them that your spouse already deleted.  They may also be able to fill in holes you have in the time line.
14. The other betrayed spouse: It is not unusual for the affair partner to also be married.  Sometimes the other spouse already knows of the affair but didn’t tell you for one reason or another.  Sometimes they are completely unaware but after being notified by you, can find evidence on their end to share with you.  This approach is dependent on circumstances.  Certainly you don’t want to put yourself in danger.  However, betrayed spouses from both sides share a common goal: to understand and end the affair.
15. Your head, your heart, and your gut: It is not unusual to feel like you can no longer trust your own intuition after you’ve been blindsided by infidelity.  But, if you feel like a story doesn’t make sense, if the puzzle pieces don’t fit, that something is being omitted, or things don’t add up, TRUST YOU.  Keep searching, asking, and considering.  Your own “marital bliss fog” has lifted and you are now more tuned in than you ever were before.

This is not an exhaustive list.  There are, sadly, countless ways to cheat and cover it up.  However, an affair rarely goes on without leaving some fingerprints.  I needed to know what my husband had been up to.  Understanding the nature or their relationship would help me moving forward and knowing how he carried it out would make it much harder for him a second time around.  Besides, the faster way to deflate an affair is to uncover the secrets.  It makes the entire thing that much less fun for them.

Affairs thrive in secrecy – deprive it.

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