Codependent No More?

I talk to parents all the time and what they struggle with is the ability to know when they are caring and loving ,parenting and when they are preventing their children from learning what they need to learn. As parents we are hyper intuitive to our kids , so much so that we know when they are up to no good and or excelling in all areas of life. We see it, feel it and breathe it because they are our kids. We immediately go to fear of their consequences right???

You hear the words enabling and codependency, and sometimes feel that this is a criticism and that somehow you have failed as a parent. I believe that we always have life lessons and need to be open to the learning of new ways to help our kids. Also if we question ourselves we are teaching our kids to be open and question themselves. If we teach, the opposite they learn that constructive feedback is criticism.

Feelings don’t kill you

Fear tells you to avoid danger, including people who may harm you emotionally.
Anger tells you that action is required to right a wrong or to make changes.
Healthy guilt helps you act congruently with your values.
Sadness helps you let go and encourages empathy and human connection.
Shame helps you fit into society and keeps you from harming others.
Loneliness motivates you to reach out to others.
When you deny or repress feelings, you can get stuck. The feeling never gets released and stays in your unconscious — sometimes for years. Pain accumulates, and more pain requires more denial.

Most parents questions whether they’re on the right track and I think the compass to measure is the fine line between caring and caretaking. I am under the belief that they cannot do it themselves and that it’s my job as a parent to provide and to help my kids go pain-free but is that even realistic?

If I stop my kids from learning that life has positive consequences and negative consequences. Then they have choices to make.

Consider

Put your seatbelt on no matter how hard it is and allow kids to learn. Sometimes the hard way might be the lesson they learn to not do it again.

Feelings, including painful ones, serve a purpose. They help you recognize your needs and adapt to the environment. Awareness of feelings is vital to healthy interactions with others; Some people act in repressed feelings with behavior that releases emotional tension without experiencing the feeling.

When you deny your feelings, it keeps you from responding appropriately and creates more problems. In some cases, you can identify the feeling but have denied its buried, repressed meaning. When this happens, you can still remain fixed in a cycle of re‐experiencing the feeling and repeating the behavior, because the deeper pain isn’t resolved.

Addictive relationships serve as a substitute for real connection. Some people are caretakers who hope to receive love in return but are unable to be vulnerable about their own feelings, which is necessary to maintain an intimate relationship.

Moral to the story

Allow your own feelings and in turn we teach our children to honor theirs.

Linda