Communication, Conflict & Commitment: Part 1

“The first duty of love is to listen.”
– Paul Tillich

Researchers have found that the top two predictors of happy couples are good communication and conflict management skills. Communication and conflict are closely tied together. Communication is the means by which conflict is created, navigated, and resolved. Although it is true that effective communication and conflict management require some skill, they are more fundamentally a matter of willingness and commitment; of ethical obligation to and interest in your partner.

The ethical question comes first: How do I listen to, understand, and work through conflict with someone I care about, compared to someone I do not care about? The skill question comes second: How can I get my ideas, feelings and commitments across and what techniques of listening will I use?

In this first blog post, you will be presented with ideas and activities to help you avoid these communication problems and to remain connected. However, these ideas will only work if you use them and use them in your partner’s best interest.

Communication is a Key to Success

Communicating poorly does not always stop couples from falling in love or even from getting married, but it does make it difficult for them to remain happy in their relationship over time.

Researchers have found that effective communication predicts relationship satisfaction and engaged couples who communicate effectively have more stable and satisfying relationships when married.

The most common couples communication problems include: not listening, blaming, criticizing and/or nagging, not responding to issues as they emerge, using the silent treatment, and using coercion or physical threats.

Question : How important is communication in good relationships?

Answer : Very important. This seems pretty straightforward. No one has ever developed a good relationship with someone else without communicating well with them in some way.

Question : How important is communication in bad relationships?

Answer : Very important. It may seem a bit odd that the answer to both of these questions is “very important,” but it is true. Think about someone you have strongly disagreed with or don’t seem to get along with. One of the reasons you have not gotten along with that person is because communication has been poor, either on your part, or theirs, or more likely both of you. The communication you did have was either too little, too much, misunderstood, hurtful, critical or upsetting. Communication really is a key to both good and bad relationships. Fortunately, we can learn to improve our communication skills to make all of our relationships better.

Communication is at the heart of all intimate human relationships. Communicating is the way that we create and share meaning with one another. In fact, it is impossible not to communicate. Someone wisely said, “We cannot, not communicate.” No matter what we are doing we are communicating something. Even when we are asleep we may be sending the message, “I’m tired, so don’t bother me.”

Part of Communication

Good communication has two parts:

1. Skillful Sending of Messages
2. Skillful Receiving of Messages

Skillful Sending

Skillfully sending messages involves:

• Being Clear
• Being Concise
• Being Straightforward
• Being Good Intentioned
• Sending them in the Appropriate Dose
• Sending them at the Appropriate Time

Yelling something from one room to the next is not the best way to communicate with someone. It would be better to go to where the person is that you want to talk to, make eye contact with them so you know they are paying attention, and then speak to them. You may even want to touch the person on the shoulder or knee as you speak to them to make sure you are connected.

Skillful Receiving

Skillfully receiving a message involves:

a. Listening With Your Heart, Head, Eyes, and Ears
Unfortunately, many of us do selective listening, which means we only hear what we want to hear. We sometimes use selective listening when we don’t really want to hear what someone is saying or when we already think we know what they are going to say. There are some situations where this might be a valuable skill to have. However, ignoring, or not hearing, your partner and other people you care about will only damage the relationship. In order to listen effectively you should stop other distracting activities and pay attention to the words and non-verbal messages (tone of voice, gestures, etc.) that are sent. An example of this is the child who observed that her father was not truly listening to her and said, “Daddy, I want you to listen with your eyes.” You should also listen with the intention of finding common ground, or things you agree on, rather than points to disagree on.

Three types of listening you can do to show people you are paying attention to what they are saying and really want to hear it are:

• • Silent Listening – Give a non-verbal response while the other person is speaking.

Nodding = “I hear you.”
Eye contact = “I’m with you.”
Smiling = “Wow!”

• • Supportive Listening – Make short responses to encourage the other person to continue.

“Oh, really?”
“Is that right?”
“I see what you mean.”

• • Promptive Listening – Ask open-ended questions to invite the other person to share more.

“What happened then?”
“Tell me more.”
“What else do you know?”
“What does that mean to you?”
“How does that make you feel?”

b. Reflecting or Summarizing What You Heard

This means making sure you correctly heard what was said. One of the best ways to do this is to restate in your own words what you heard and then ask the person who said it if that is correct. It is not necessary or expected that you would do this in all of your conversations, but it is important to do at critical times (e.g., resolving an argument or emotionally charged discussions).

c. Finding Common Ground

Many of us have grown up learning to be a little bit combative or confrontational in our communication. We want to get our point across and we prefer things to go our way. Sometimes we don’t listen, or only half-way listen, to what someone is saying to us because we are anxiously awaiting our chance to respond and have our opinions heard. If you find yourself thinking more about how you want to respond than to what the other person is actually saying remember that we have two ears and one mouth. A key to communicating well is to use them accordingly.

Listening to find common ground means looking for points of agreement instead of findings points of disagreement in your conversations. It is a cooperative rather than a competitive process.

Sometimes we will be in agreement with everything that someone said to us. This is called Total Agreement.

Sometimes we will disagree with everything that someone said to us. This is called Total Disagreement.

Most of the time we agree with parts of what someone said to us, but not everything. This is called Partial Agreement. This is probably the most common type of conversation we will have, which isn’t a bad thing. The problem is that many of us ignore the part of the conversation we agree with and latch on to the part that we disagree with.

The key is to look for areas of agreement, even if it is only partial agreement. When we agree with someone, even if it is only a little bit, this gives us common ground, which is a starting point to build the relationship.

Common Ground Model of Communication

Types of Communication

In order to skillfully send and receive messages it is important to understand the relationship between verbal and non-verbal communication.

• Verbal Communication – Verbal communication includes any spoken words.
• Non-verbal Communication – Non-verbal communication includes things like facial expressions, eye contact, gestures, movement, touch, how close you stand to someone when speaking to them, posture, and sounds we make that aren’t really words (e.g., grunts, sighs, yawns, tapping our fingers).

Communication experts estimate that about 65% of all face-to-face communication is non-verbal. That means that more of the meaning of the things we say is transmitted in the way we say it than in the words themselves.

Help! I’m Confused.

Sometimes the verbal and non-verbal messages that we either send or receive do not match up. This is called a mixed message. Mixed messages are confusing because we hear one thing but we feel something else. To communicate clearly, we should generally make sure that what we say and what we do go together.

Examples

Chow Time

If Jill is watching a television program in the living room while her boyfriend, Chad, fixes dinner for her and he simply yells from the kitchen, “Dinner is ready!” he may not get any response. She may be so wrapped up in the show that she does not even here him, and he has made little effort to assure that she has.

Talking About Important Things

If James and his wife had an important issue to discuss or if they had been having an argument of some sort, James should not attempt to discuss the issue at a busy or inconvenient time nor in a critical or attacking way. James should remain focused on the issue at hand and not bring a lot of other stuff into the discussion. If James is more concerned with understanding his wife’s feelings and improving their relationship than he is with my own pride, whatever he says should be good intentioned.

Where Do You Want to Eat?

One Saturday evening after Ben and Ashley had finished doing some shopping, they decided that they were not in the mood to go home and fix dinner so they decided to eat out. Ben had a place in mind that he wanted to go because it was cheap, and after a day of shopping he was not in the mood to spend much more money. Rather than tell my wife where he wanted to eat and why he said, “Where do you want to eat?” Ben could have guessed where she was going to say even before he asked the question. It was their favorite steak and rib place. They enjoyed going there, but Ben did not want to go on that particular night because it was expensive. Ben said “O.K.”, not revealing his true feelings. He was miserable and probably made Ashley miserable too during dinner because he had been unwilling to communicate clearly. His anxiety affected her.

Are You Thirsty?

One time on a long road trip, Kathie, who had been reading a book in the seat beside James, said, “Are you thirsty?” James simply said, “No.” because he wasn’t thirsty and he kept on driving. Kathie paused, and James noticed a strange look on her face. She was wondering if he was rude or just dumb. James did not realize that what she was really trying to say was “I’m thirsty and I would like to stop somewhere and get a drink.” Kathie told James what she really wanted a minute later and he apologized for not picking up on the hint. They then had a good laugh about how quickly misunderstandings can occur when messages are not sent clearly.

Important stuff

We naturally use the skill of reflecting anytime something is important to us. Almost every time someone tells us an address or phone number that we want to make sure we’ve written down correctly, we will repeat it back to them. We don’t assume we’ve gotten it right the first time. Unfortunately, in our relationships with loved ones we often assume we have understood them correctly. Occasionally, we even think we can read our partner’s mind, without checking with him or her to see what they really want.

Common Ground Model of Communication

One day Bill’s wife said to him, “You sure are messy, but I love you anyway.” When Bill heard her say this, he could have been listening in a variety of ways and she could have been sending it in a variety of ways.

Response #1 – Total Disagreement:

If Bill were listening to pick up on the disagreement he may respond, “I am not messy.” He may even add something like, “You’re one to talk. You always leave your stuff all over the house and you never clean anything.” Any of these disagreeing responses by Bill will not build on common ground. They leave little room to build the relationship and most likely will lead to an argument between he and his wife. Even though Bill may not agree that he is messy, there are ways he can respond to his wife that will open up the conversation and give both of them the opportunity to say more.

Response #2 – Total Agreement:

Bill may respond by saying, “I know I am messy and I love you too.” Although this sounds like total agreement it depends on Bill’s tone of voice and his attitude when he says it. If he says it sarcastically, then he is really disagreeing, he is not building on common ground. If he says it sincerely, he and his wife will have some common ground to build on and some room to work, even if Bill does not totally agree with his wife’s accusation that he is messy.

Response #3 – Partial Agreement:

Bill may respond by saying, “I love you too. Is everything o.k.?” Since Bill may not agree with his wife’s assessment that he is messy, or since he may not even know what she is referring to he said, “Is everything o.k.?” This response neither agrees nor disagrees with what his wife said about him being messy. It is neither an offensive nor defensive response. It is a caring response. It builds on common ground and acceptance. It gives Bill and his wife space to continue the conversation. She now has an opportunity to respond and because of his appraoch, she will more likely respond openly, honestly, and politely to Bill’s question.

Mixed Messages

• Upon arriving home from work, Amber finds that her husband is in the process of fixing dinner. She feels that she should help him, but she doesn’t really want to. She says to him, “Would you like some help with dinner?” as she sinks into the easy-chair in front of the television.
• Janet is going to a concert with her boyfriend. She is wearing a new outfit and wants to get his opinion about it so she asks him what he thinks. He responds, “It looks great” while giving her a look that would indicate otherwise.

Improving Couples Communication

Metacommunication

This is the process of talking or communicating about the way you communicate. This can be difficult to do in the midst of an argument, but it is a great thing to do at a time when both of you are calm. Take the opportunity to talk about the verbal and non-verbal messages you send each other. Talk about how you can avoid serious arguments or resolve them quickly and peaceably when they do happen. Some couples agree before-hand on certain things they will do or say to break the tension and stop an argument if one gets started (e.g., just begin laughing with each other or say a silly word or phrase to stop the cycle).

Small Talk – The Ritual of Communication

Small talk is very different from business talk or merely rehearsing the events of the day. Small talk means talking with your partner about whatever he or she would like to talk about. Small talk can be serious in nature but it does not have to be. In fact, it is probably better if it is not. Plan a time each day when you and your partner will sit down together and small talk for 10 to 15 minutes. If you don’t schedule the time and the place, it will not happen. Small talk is all about connecting with your partner. It is your opportunity to discuss your hopes and dreams or whatever you would like on a daily basis. If you do this consistently you will find that your relationship will grow because you are putting energy into connecting with and learning about your partner.

Ice Hurts as Much as Fire

Linda Roberts, from the University of Wisconsin-Madison, has conducted research indicating that physically or emotionally withdrawing from your partner during an argument can be just as hurtful as flying off the handle. Avoid the extremes of hostility or withdrawal. Be sensitive to one another. Look for acceptance. Remember that even when you are mad or upset with your partner, you still love them.

Reality vs. Reality T.V.

Watching television is a pretty solitary activity and it inspires little interaction with others. For a change, turn off the television or hide the remote and do something together. There are hundreds of activities that you can share together that will draw you closer because you are talking with one another while you are doing them (e.g., sports, hobbies, classes, concerts, home projects, etc.). Reality really is more entertaining than reality television.

Talking Games

Most couples who are seriously dating or engaged really enjoy spending time with one another. Spending some of that time doing talking games will not only allow you to spend time together, but build your relationship as well.

• “Ask me a Question”

  Although you may feel like you know your partner very well, you’d be surprised how much more there is to learn. You and your partner each think of one new question every day that you would like to know the answer to. When you and your partner talk, take turns asking each other the questions you have thought of. This should start some great, and occasionally even difficult, conversations. Be creative in developing meaningful questions and remember that you may not even know the answers about some of your partner’s basic preferences (e.g., favorite color, food, pet, time of year, music, movie, date, etc.) Consider using the Un-Game too think of questions and promote conversation.

• “Confused in Colorado” – Dear Abbey Game

  Stephen Duncan, a professor at Brigham Young University, recommends choosing an advice column from your local newspaper, such as Ann Landers or Dear Abbey, and reading the question but not the answer aloud to one another. Once you have read the question, take turns giving advice and your reasons for the advice. Do this without criticizing, insulting, or making fun of one another. This is a great way to communicate, get to know each other better, and understand how your partner may respond in different situations.

• “Shower Me With Praise”

  Praising your partner is not really a game. It is a serious and sincere business. You should look for opportunities, even excuses, to praise your partner on a daily basis. Sincere and genuine praise will open up the lines of communication and strengthen your relationship. You will also find that when you are making conscious efforts to praise your partner you will have little time to dwell on the negatives. This will make your relationship one that you both really enjoy being a part of.

I-Messages

Get in the habit of using I-messages. This is a way of owning your own feelings and realizing that they are your feelings. Your partner cannot “make” you feel a certain way and if you consistently blame your partner for the way you feel your relationship will suffer. For example, if you find yourself saying things like, “You make me so mad when… [you don’t get the trash out in time],” or a variety of other endings, then try something better. Get in the habit of saying, “I feel hurt, mad, or upset when we do not get the trash out on time.” This statement shows ownership of feelings, whereas the first statement shows blame.

Practicing the use of I-messages will help you and your partner develop skill in expressing your feelings or concerns without insulting, fighting with, or blaming one another.

Practice using I-messages with your partner by taking turns filling in the following sentences.

• “I am excited about __________ because __________.”
• “I am frustrated about __________ because __________.”
• “I am happy that __________ because __________.”
• “I am nervous or uneasy about __________ because __________.”
• “I am hopeful about __________ because __________.”

Avoid “Never” and “Always”

The words “never” and “always” are rarely helpful or accurate descriptions of reality. Be more specific and accurate in what you say. Make your comments more about the action of the person than the person him or herself. This will feel less attacking and critical. It is possible to love someone even though we may not always love everything they do. For example, instead of saying to your partner, “You NEVER help with the housework,” say “I have cleaned the house by myself the last two times. Will you do it with me?” An invatation to act allows for choice, for ownership, and for credit to be given.

Communication Workshop

Attend a couples’ communication workshop. These are often sponsored through churches, schools or community organizations. You can also check the SmartMarriages.org website for links to many great workshops presented by nationally known professionals. Invest in your relationship in a fun and educational way.

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Helpful Books:

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Source: Communication, Conflict & Commitment. Retrieved January 08, 2011, — USU Web site: http://ocw.usu.edu/Family__Consumer____Human_Development/Marriage___Family_Relationships/Communication__Conflict___Commitment_4.html.