Communication Patterns Between Couples

In my recent book, Reboot Your Relationship: Restoring Love in a Disconnected World, I talk about what is called the Relationship Dance. The needs of ‘I’ bump against the needs of ‘We’ in an intricate dance. We fight for connection, for closeness, but we also seek to protect our hearts from being broken and our uniqueness from being devalued.

We seek admiration, but the way we go about meeting our own needs can signal that we are there only for ourselves and not the other. We get into this rhythm of getting closer and backing away, a cycle through pain and pleasure. Sooner or later, one person in this dance simply cannot stand it anymore and the relationship becomes more detached, even as we long for closeness and validation.

Cycling through pursuit and withdrawal is a common way for couples to relate, but one that often leaves them detached from one another. As each person attempts to be seen and understood by the other, many couples become stuck in this cycle. One partner pursues and the other withdraws, but the more one pursues, the more the other withdraws.

Finally, the withdrawer shuts down completely.

The dance starts because these two people are unable to share what is in their hearts; they are only able to share their anger and frustration. The pursuer feels the loss of the other’s attention and so seeks it through a growing haze of anger and frustration, feeling that if he or she does not pursue, then the other will go away.

In heterosexual relationships, wives are often the pursuer, the pursuit taking the form of complaints, indifference, annoyance, or nagging. A woman may nag because her man has shut her out and will not respond, but his silence leads to more nagging, which leads to more withdrawal.

The withdrawer—often the husband—is overwhelmed by the pursuer’s emotions and anger. He feels devalued and disrespected, and when unable to calm his partner, withdraws to find peace. It is an instinctive reaction; if someone is attacking you, then you want to make the attack stop, either by dealing with the issue or moving away from it.

In these relationships, the withdrawer—again, more often the husband—frequently walks on eggshells to avoid the issues that may trigger the pursuer’s displeasure, often saying that the hassle to get his point across is not worth it because his spouse does not understand him anyway. So he withdraws, and the woman pursues all the more.

When you are busy either pursuing or withdrawing, you do not have any energy left to see your partner’s perspective and needs. You may see your partner as inconsiderate, uncaring, and unable to understand you. The sharing of your heart with your partner, at this point, becomes a very dangerous proposition, so you keep it tucked in close so you won’t get hurt even more.

This dance cycle is often triggered by an event that suddenly puts your spouse into a different light. You no longer see your partner as the kind, thoughtful, loving person that you married, and so you withdraw or pursue. This event could be as simple as your spouse saying something that you interpreted as uncaring, although your spouse may have meant something entirely innocuous.

When the perceived change feels threatening, then the other is now seen as an enemy instead of a companion. The irony is that most of the time the difference between the two of you is what drew you together in the first place. It is only the perception of these differences that shifts from positive to negative. You fear talking openly with each other, fall into criticism, blame, and defensiveness, and quickly lose sight of one another’s value.

The way out of this dangerous dance is to communicate in a way that shares your needs, hurts, and feelings in an open, honest, and nonjudgmental fashion. When we speak calmly, with no yelling, it is easier for you and your partner to convey and understand intent, meaning, and feelings. Whether you are a withdrawer or a pursuer, expressing these needs and longings may not be easy. You may have bought the romantic notion that if your spouse really loves you, he/she will know what you need without being told.

If your intuition isn’t honed enough to have full empathy and understanding, MORE communication is needed—not less. Expecting that “she should know better” stifles real communication and sets you up for even more frustration, roadblocks, and programming crashes of your relationship hard drive. There are a few things that you should keep in mind when communicating that depend on whether you are the withdrawer or the pursuer.

 

Withdrawer:

The main task for the withdrawer is to openly share feelings rather than assuming that the other person can read thoughts or emotional states. Your interactions should revolve around your longings and fears, not your anger and disappointment. If you don’t know what to do, then try the following:

Admit that you do not know what to do.

Ask your spouse what she needs from you.

If you’re not sure what to do when your spouse expresses an emotion, just listen with an empathic attitude.

Listen to your spouse with your heart as well as your brain, with compassion and empathy as well as logic. Even if you can’t find a solution to your partner’s problem, simply being there during a time of trouble may be enough. In fact, your empathic support could be ALL your partner needs.

 

Pursuer:

If you are the pursuer, on the other hand, you can improve your marriage simply by learning to express emotions other than anger. Some basics for the pursuer to keep in mind:

Learn to relax.

Breathe.

Allow the withdrawer to take the time and space needed to effectively communicate feelings; don’t require an instant response.

Count to 10 and ask clarifying questions before offering any answers or solutions.

If you catch yourself trying to ‘fix’ the situation, understand that many withdrawers may simply need to express a frustration or other feeling; they don’t necessarily need to have it ‘repaired.’  Sometimes the nod of your head or an affirming “I see” is enough to make the withdrawer comfortable enough to share more.

When you are just coming out of this withdraw and pursue cycle, it is important to reconnect emotionally as soon as you can. If you sweep a triggering incident under the rug and try to forget about it, it may return again later as an unresolved hurt to break you apart once again.

When trying to reconnect after being hurt, just remember these three things:

Acknowledge what happened, both your own as well as your spouse’s role. Admit your part in the conflict.

Share your hurts and needs, not your anger and frustration.

When all is said and done, touch and Talk. Soft encouraging tones coupled with a simple soothing touch can be very powerful.

Of course, if you want to avoid this dance in the first place, then there are three things you can do:

First, believe in the best intentions of your spouse; don’t assume he or she is out to get you.

Second, risk doing things differently; open your heart and learn how to relate in ways that draw you together.

And finally, decide what it is about your spouse that you love and that makes you feel loved and understood, and then tell your partner.

This will build a closer emotional bond so that your attachment will weather the pains and pressures of life and marriage and your relationship will be a safe place to keep your heart.

[author] [author_image timthumb=’on’]https://infidelityrecoveryinstitute.com/wp-content/uploads/2015/06/1058967_10152076863468009_1579579073_n.jpg[/author_image] [author_info] I’m a Clinical Psychologist & founder of the Infidelity Recovery Institute. I specialize in the area of infidelity and affair recovery. I am an IRI Certified Infidelity Recovery specialist. Affair Recovery cannot happen without professional and specialized help. Please allow me to help you recover from the infidelity, and save your family. Make an appointment to talk with me today about your Affair Recovery Options [/author_info] [/author]