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Conscious Couples
May
C.G. Jung says:
‘Until you make the unconscious conscious, it will direct your life and you will call it fate.’
What makes intimacy tricky sometimes is that in your attempts to feel seen, heard, and known, (often what we most desire) you may take a risk and share who you are in a vulnerable moment. But instead of being received, you feel misunderstood, judged, and not really heard by me. Most of what we are experiencing in these snapshot moments are unconscious triggers….. somehow, Your partners ‘share’ triggered you into your stuff and now you’re on the defensive, feeling blamed or made wrong for how you are feeling. Sometimes this can escalate into a long fight, or rift ‘within’ and ‘between’ both of you.
What just happened? Our unconscious need/fear dilemma and dance!!! How do we make the unconscious, conscious?
Here we go:
Well, something happens, you got triggered into your story while looking for all the evidence to re-inforce your beliefs and we begin to reenact a very familiar (familial) dance. Your own past prevented you from seeing yourself clearly. Your vulnerability and the way you shared it reminded you of (___________) and you got triggered and then hooked there. Then, your partner got derailed by you being triggered and went into your stuff, projecting that you were your (__________). Now, you are really triggered and flooded by anxiety because you’re reacting into this fight or flight response occurring in your nervous system, just like my mom, and you want to point out how lame they are for derailing this whole thing. They then, are so fed up with you the walk away with your hands in the air, judging you, and wondering if you’re crazy and why they’re with you. You get triggered by them leaving the conversation because of your own abandonment stuff (that you’re not conscious or aware of), so you get desperate and try to get them to come back and “work it out” with you but you’re doing it from a place of panic and charge, so you don’t receive it or trust it (as you shouldn’t because it’s loaded with your unconscious barriers to love and baggage).
And on and on we go…..
Anyone relate to this one?
Both parties need some love and some help moving these unconscious attachment patterns to a conscious way of being.
We see this dynamic all the time and it doesn’t need to go down this way. At any point, the most mature, resourced person has a responsibility and choice to own up to what’s going on, with themselves.
Both couple’s need a shared vision, shared map and shared tools. We need conscious “awareness,” and the desire to work through the stuff on your side, so that you can receive love . And, what you do is your business. Sure, you have a preference that your partner go work on their own triggers and hurts that come up in relationship to you, but you won’t or don’t need that. When you are committed to your own development and to working through your part to learn, grow and expand, everything transforms! You are committed to having your partner feel understood and received by you. Why? Because they matter to you. Because you want to know your partner, all of them.
Share with your friends in need!
Cheers, Joe
Co-Author, Reboot Your Relationship
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