Dating After Betrayal

This week, I’m going to discuss the topic of dating specifically dating when you have had a nasty relationship break up. Think of the worst thing that can happen to a committed monogamous relationship and that is infidelity. The process of working through the infidelity and finding yourself on the other side is arduous and traumatic. However, when it does come time to move forward and find somebody else to love, how do you even do it?

While the advice in this post is rather generic, (obviously I don’t know you and your exact situation), I will provide some basic advice for a template you can use and adapt to your own unique personality and comfort level.

1. I’ll tell you how the cheating probably affected you psychologically
2. I’ll share why it is difficult for my clients to date and move forward after their partner cheated.
3. I’ll cover some considerations you need to think about when it comes to how long you should wait before you find somebody new to date.
4. I’ll talk about online dating

How does cheating affect you psychologically?

The psychological effects of a partner cheating can vary widely from person to person and depend on individual circumstances. Here are some common psychological responses:

1. *Betrayal and Hurt*: Cheating often leads to a profound sense of betrayal and emotional pain. You may feel hurt, angry, and deeply wounded.

2. *Trust Issues*: It can erode your trust not only in your partner but also in future partners. You may become more skeptical or suspicious in future relationships.

3. *Low Self-Esteem*: Cheating can lead to feelings of inadequacy and a blow to your self-esteem. You might question your worth or desirability as a partner.

4. *Anxiety and Depression*: Many people experience heightened anxiety and depression after discovering infidelity. The emotional turmoil can be overwhelming.

5. *Grief and Loss*: It’s common to go through a grieving process, similar to mourning the loss of the relationship you thought you had.

6. *Post-Traumatic Stress*: In severe cases, infidelity can result in symptoms similar to post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD), including flashbacks, intrusive thoughts, and heightened anxiety.

7. *Difficulty in Future Relationships*: Past infidelity can affect your ability to trust and fully commit to future relationships, potentially impacting their success.

8. *Self-Blame*: Some individuals may blame themselves for their partner’s cheating, even if it’s not justified. This self-blame can be damaging to self-esteem.

Why is it so difficult to meet somebody new after relationship infidelity?

If dating was difficult before you met your cheating partner, imagine how difficult it is going to be now. I’d rather just be honest and state the obvious. You have been traumatized by the one person in the world you thought had your back. Of course, you feel rejected. And even if you have done the work and you’re ready to meet the world again, it’s important that we just at least acknowledge some of these challenges you will face so you don’t feel like it’s only you feeling like this right now.

Meeting someone new after a breakup can be challenging for several reasons:

1. Emotional Healing: Breakups often leave emotional scars that take time to heal. It can be hard to open up to new connections when you’re still dealing with the pain and emotions from the previous relationship.

2. Fear of Rejection: The fear of rejection or getting hurt again can make people hesitant to put themselves out there. This fear can be a significant barrier to meeting new people. 3. Comparison: It’s natural to compare potential partners to your previous relationship. This can make it challenging to find someone who feels as compatible or special as your past partner.

4. Trust Issues: A breakup can erode trust, making it difficult to trust someone new. Rebuilding trust takes time and effort.

5. Social Circles: If you and your ex shared a social circle, it might limit your opportunities to meet new people without encountering reminders of your past relationship.

Another reason changing social circles is difficult when you’re aging, is that you don’t have as many opportunities to meet new people through your social circle. So when you’re very small social circle is now obsolete, your loneliness, and your ability to talk with people about what you’re going through disappears substantially.

Individuals in their 20s and 30s who have spent years developing relationships in online social circles, also have a similar issue where you could feel ostracised from the online community where people knew you as a couple. You may also feel the need to leave this online community and your circle of friends.

6. Time and Energy: Healing from a breakup takes time and emotional energy. You may not have the mental or emotional bandwidth to actively seek out new relationships immediately.

Remember that it’s okay to take your time and prioritize self-care before diving into new connections. Everyone’s healing process is different, and there’s no set timeline for when you should start dating again.

How long should I wait before dating a new person after a breakup?

There is no universal timeline for how long you should wait before finding a new person after a breakup. The timing is highly individual and depends on various factors, including:

1. Emotional Healing: You should wait until you feel emotionally ready to open up to someone new. It’s crucial to allow yourself time to process the emotions and heal from the previous relationship.

2. Closure: Seek closure from your past relationship, so you don’t carry unresolved issues or emotional baggage into a new one. It’s really important you don’t use your dating life as your therapy session. There is no upside to Sharing your cheating partner’s history. While it is a dramatic story for you it can be quite overwhelming for somebody who just wants to meet you and find out how you two are going to relate in your relationship. So leave your exes out of your dating life until you’re in a healthy state to review the past.

3. Self-Reflection: Take the time to reflect on what you want in your next relationship. Understand your own needs, desires, and any patterns you want to change. Most of us are really good at talking about what we didn’t like and what we didn’t like. So much so that we really think about what we truly want. Why don’t you stop reading this for a moment and write down three things you want from somebody new in your life? Not things that you don’t want, things that you do want, and that you could appreciate in that other person.

4. No Fixed Rules: Avoid setting arbitrary deadlines. Let your own feelings and readiness guide you rather than societal expectations. The truth is, it depends on how you have processed your pain if at all. Are you ready to be vulnerable? Are you ready to receive love? Do you even love yourself right now? For some people. It will take a few months. And for other people, it will literally take a few years and either one of those is totally okay.

5. Support System: Lean on friends and family for support during this period. They can provide valuable insights and emotional assistance. However, if you don’t have a support system where you can talk about what happened, or perhaps you have spoken about what happened so much that nobody wants to hear about it, this is when you need to turn to a therapist or turn to a support group.

Did you know we have a free online affair recovery support group? – Click Here

6. Enjoying Single Life: Consider enjoying some time being single to focus on personal growth, hobbies, and self-discovery. This can be a fulfilling period for personal development. I know this type of comment is quite generic, but what I mean by this is to take the time to do what we call shadow work. This is where you’re working on your mind and the way you process information. It’s time to re-look at why are you think how you think, and if you need to work out reprogramming those thoughts, consider something like hypnotherapy to begin opening the neural pathways, and re-programming the circuitry!

If you’re struggling with self-esteem, I recommend doing a few of these hypnotherapy sessions to help feel confident in a specific area:

Let’s talk about online dating

Final thoughts

If you are ready for dating, I suggest that you write a list of all the things you want in a partner. Then, from that list, choose what is negotiable, and what is nonnegotiable. This list should be a fun process to create because now is the time to think about what does make you happy. For example, do you like to go out on brunch on Sunday mornings but your partner never liked drinking champagne and eating at a restaurant in the morning. If this is a great lifestyle change, you would like to introduce in your life, begin thinking about somebody who also enjoys these types of social outings.

Also, think about your boundaries. Don’t be surprised if you will be talking about sex and intimacy with this new person. Perhaps 10 or 20 years ago, it wasn’t normal to discuss sex so openly, but many people feel very comfortable talking about their sexual desires while dating. Thinking about such questions before you go out on the date and how you would respond to these questions could help you from feeling overwhelmed or uncomfortable.

If you have any specific questions you would like me to cover, I’m happy to answer your questions. Just write them in the comment box below. I checked back every Monday for questions from our readers and our students. 

Lastly, and I know this could be very difficult, try and stay positive. Dating and going on first dates is nerve-wracking, no matter who is going on the date and what they have faced previously. If you don’t have an expectation of the other person to be the person of your dreams, and you go on a date with a positive mindset to enjoy the evening or the date, you will find the experience more rewarding and you’ll be more likely to go on another date.

Good Luck!

Dr. Savannah Ellis

IRI Affair Recovery Expert & 7-Step Affair Recovery Program Educator