Empathy is key

When a couple begins their affair recovery journey with me, and I tell them that one of the keys to forgiveness is the development of empathy – I get some really strange looks. Some people will share with me that they have no intention of keeping their marriage – “….so why bother developing empathy for the cheating cow. I can’t wait till she’s out of my life!”

What I share with you now is the key to affair recovery. It doesn’t matter if you’re recovering together or as an individual. If you don’t understand how infidelity affects your ability to empathize with your fellow humans, and be compassionate toward yourself, your life will be cold and lonely on the other side. Worse, new addictive patterns will emerge.

Empathy allows for the possibility of a different perspective; a more compassionate outlook that is the foundation for resolving conflicts and finding solutions. It takes a stepping back that we may create the space between ourselves and the other large enough to see their whole being, not just their mistakes and harmful choices.

Empathy is not:

• a half-hearted apology for someone’s situation
• feeling sorry for them
• attempting to change their situation
• giving advice or solving their problem
• endorsing or justifying the harmful actions of others

Empathy is:

• identifying with someone’s pain
• putting yourself in their shoes
• compassion for their suffering
• a vicarious experiencing of their feelings or thoughts
• understanding where they come from

When we are empathic towards the pain of others, we enter into it and experience it as our own. We remove the barriers between us and come to see the “other” as simply a reflection of ourselves.

Empathy is the invisible bridge that shatters the distance between people and brings them standing heart to heart. It is the expansion that invites love in and makes room for our humanness. We are forced to surrender our destructive beliefs, and along the way shatter our illusion of separateness. 

Empathy is paradoxically a soft, yet potent force. It is graceful in its delivery, and incredibly transformative in its effect. We will recognize the places in our life where we must practice empathy by measuring the difficulty and resistance we have to applying it. It’s hard for me to have empathy for bullies, but when I step back and consider how they might have been raised, what types of parents they had, or where in my own life I bully myself or others, I begin to open the door to a breakthrough. 

Learning empathy.

Humans are social creatures and empathy is one of our most mystifying yet wonderful attributes; but as they say neurons that fire together wire together. In other words, use it or lose it.

After infidelity, you can become so traumatized from the continuous psychological battle that you naturally disconnect emotionally from your partner. It is here that you become less empathetic not only toward your partner but toward your own needs. You stop caring for your happiness, and/or for your partners happiness. You have less empathy.

Isn’t it better if we stop caring for those who hurt us? To disconnect emotionally?

Simply, no. Because without empathy, we begin to stop being kind to ourselves. And when that happens, we begin to withdraw from others and the cycle of insidious self-destruction begins. Our brains are social organs and in isolation they begin to suffer.

3 simple tips to build empathy after infidelity:

1. Yoga or meditation – the ability to quieten the mind for at least 15 to 20 minutes each day will help your nervous system take a little holiday from the ongoing stress. It’s during the periods of self reflection one find a higher meaning to relationships. Even if the relationship isn’t moving forward together, being able to meditate on the good times and how you personally grew from the relationship, Is going to help you still the memory of the relationship and the trauma in a more empathetic manna which is healing feel self. TIP: forgiveness comes from this point.
2. Movie therapy – watching sappy movies about how other couples have gone through a traumatic event, will help you build empathy. Of course, for affair recovery, movie therapy is better done with your partner so you’re able to see their perspective as well. Empathy comes from having a deeper understanding into somebody’s emotional world without having a need to change their point of view.
3. Groups – it’s important to stay connected with other people. No matter what you are going through there is a group you can join and connect to others. In most suburbs, you will find free community groups. However in case you feel embarrassed to attend a community group or you leave in a remote area, you can always join one of thousands of online groups.

Caring is the only way in which we connect to another person. If you lose the ability to care, then you lose.

Affair recovery really is a process of rebuilding the “I” – the individual. Forgiveness comes from you in an empathetic state of mind.

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