Forgiveness: The Recipe for a Sound Mind

Forgiveness is the act of setting someone free despite their wrong deeds. This is the first step of overcoming an infidelity. Forgiveness is something that you owe to yourself, regardless of whether the offender deserves it, asks for it or needs it.

Why is it necessary?

In life, people will hurt you and a greater number of those people would care less about the effects of their actions. While they move about freely, you will be left bound in the bitterness, hatred and anger caused by their actions. Forgiveness is what sets you free from these negative emotions and relieves your spirit so you can continue to make progress.

A scientist, Marcel Duvois said: “It is scientifically proven that when we forgive, our mind produce substances that bring us wellness and inner relief. The weight of the pain and the anguish that we feel in the center of our chest begins to disappear with time and practice.”

While Ella listened to her husband’s confession, she imagined herself being in a nightmare: the man she had lived with for almost twenty years, confessed his infidelity, and called it a mistake.

He had always been an excellent companion, a good and affectionate father, and a responsible husband. She trusted him and never suspected his infidelity. Her husband had confessed his affair some months after it ended. Probably because of the guilty conscience that tormented him.

Graciela went through a similar situation, but unlike Ella’s,it was not a confession that opened her eyes, but rather she discovered her husband’s infidelity. Another difference is that his infidelity wasn’t new to her, as her husband has been unfaithful more than thrice during their ten years of marriage.

Lynx began to suspect the deceit of his partner after two years of their relationship. “Her silences were more frequent; she often looked towards the window with a smile drawn on her face. Suddenly, she preferred to spend more time in front of the computer and received many phone calls from “friends” that I didn’t know “.  Her change in character made him search through her phone and guess what?  He found messages between his wife and her lover.

The three of them, as friends of mine, asked me the same question: “Should I forgive the infidelity of my spouse?” To which, without a doubt, I answered: “That is final; you have to forgive in order to overcome all the pain that you are experiencing today”.

Forgiveness doesn’t imply reconciliation same way reconciliation doesn’t imply forgiveness. I have seen couples who reconciled after an infidelity but the deceived partner never forgave the infidel. While they continued living together she was harboring grudges which propelled her to revenge.

Should I stay or leave after forgiving?

Every infidelity is unique thus there isn’t a standard for handling infidelity issues. It may be easier to understand an infidelity after twenty years of marriage than a repetitive infidelity as seen in Graciela’s marriage. The decision to continue with the relationship depends on the infidelity circumstances and the couple. That is a personal decision in which no one other than the couple can decide.

Seeking the advice of a therapist can also help the couple make the right decision. Besides, a therapist can only advise you based on the relationship issues discussed.

Would the pain be completely gone after I have forgiven my spouse?

When someone hurts you, it’s like being bitten by a snake. There are those who have a big mouth and make huge wounds. Curing such a bite can be long and difficult; but any wound finally closes. But the problem is much worse if the snake is poisonous and leaves a poison inside that prevents the wound from closing.

The most common poisons are vengeance, the eye for an eye, the search for justice and reparation at all costs. If the poison remains for many years, then the wound will not heal, the pain will not stop and during all that time, your life loses joy, strength and energy.

Every time you think about revenge, or the injustice that they have done to you, the wound opens and hurts.  To remove the poison from your body means to stop wanting revenge. Also, if you want the wound to be healed, you must stop all the negative feelings towards whoever harmed you. Meanwhile, there is need to protect yourself so that the serpent doesn’t bite you again.

If the process of forgiveness is properly done, the feelings towards the offender will be modified accordingly.  With the help of Acceptance and Commitment Therapy, it is assumed that the negative thoughts, feelings, sensations and emotions become modified thereby restoring back peace and calmness to the individual.

What’s next after forgiveness?

For the person who cheated, knowing how and why he did what he did, is interesting in itself. Sharing that knowledge with your partner is a necessary step to move forward in the process of asking for forgiveness and reaching reconciliation.

There are lots of reasons why someone might decide to have a relationship with a third party, although none of it will be acceptable to the betrayed spouse. Consequently, it is not about finding excuses for the acts, but about establishing a basis for making a plan that prevents a reoccurrence.

You must also analyze the possible reasons for your infidelity, which may be related to weaknesses in the couple. You have to be aware of the extent to which you have become emotionally or sexually involved.

Defining a concrete action plan and sharing it with your spouse is the next step for reconciliation. The purpose of the plan is to reduce the possibility of a reoccurrence. The concrete plan may include actions aimed at complementing the detected weaknesses of the couple.

For example, lack of sexual satisfaction which is one of the elements that favor male infidelity, should be worked on by the spouse. The males can consider giving more attention to their wives as lack of attention and communication is one of the factors that influence women’s infidelity.

The existence of opportunities to have contact with attractive people is also a factor that favors infidelity, therefore, if that problem has been detected, restricting such opportunities must be contemplated in the plan. The entire plan must be made indicating the operational objectives, time and means that will be devoted to achieving them.