How do I stay and recover after being humiliated?

Question:

I just found out that my husband has had 13 affairs within the last ten years of our marriage. I was devastated because I did not have a clue. I thought we had a perfect marriage. I was happy and he had told me he was. Two of the women were friends of the family. Two women from work. Others from socializing. 

He says he wants to change and none of the women meant anything to him. It was just sex. Still, I KNOW some of these women.

I am so torn. I want to stay, but I have been humiliated. I just want to recover and I do not know how. HELP!

Response:

Do you believe that he truly does love you, and that the affairs were just sex? Monogamy means different things to different people. A husband who is otherwise happy in his marriage, may have really poor boundaries, and a  belief that he can truly have his cake and eat it too. I have found this many times throughout my years of infidelity counseling.

It is possible that you can stay and you can recover—but it takes an enormous amount of time and commitment to talking through the whole situation and coming to grips with this new reality of the history of your life. If your husband is working with a counselor or a trained affair recovery specialist, then believe me when I say your marriage is worth fighting for.

Basically, your world has been turned upside down: your spouse isn’t who you thought he was; your marriage isn’t what you thought it was; your world isn’t what you thought it was. So it’s no wonder that it feels overwhelming to think of staying and recovering.

What is additionally painful in situations such as yours, is that you were betrayed by family members. This is a special situation which requires either family counseling, and/or a decision to “divorce” the toxic people in your family. The family can provide a negative incubator for long time mental pain, and completely ruin your chances of fun and happy family events. Once you and your husband decide your course of action, and begin your healing journey, ensure that you include a plan to tackle the difficult family issues you are facing.

Many counselors can help you work on family interventions, so don’t feel you need to do this alone.

Wishing you a speedy recovery.

Dr. Savannah Ellis

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