How to Cope When your Spouse is Gay

After being married for a long time, you probably felt you knew everything about your spouse because you could mention his likes, dislikes, beliefs, and everything. But amongst all the things you ever imagined about your spouse, you never thought he could be gay not until that day you caught him kissing his gay lover. You were shocked. Like really shocked.

After the discovery, your mind became tormented with questions such as: How could he be gay? Why didn’t he tell me all this while? Is he going to leave me for his gay partner? What would happen to our kids?

Obviously, knowing that your spouse is gay or bisexual will challenge all your beliefs. You may be wondering why you weren’t suspicious despite the noticeable changes in his attitude towards you. What hurts more is realizing that your marriage was built on lies.

Even when it is difficult, it is always better to know the truth than to get bogged down without understanding what is wrong and constantly wondering what one could do to fix things. Let’s be clear, if your spouse is homosexual, it’s not your fault so you shouldn’t let it hurt you. It is simply an aspect of his personality that was repressed (voluntarily or involuntarily) for many years.

 Statistics on Mixed Orientation Couples

If you found yourself in such a situation do not feel you are all alone. An estimate of four million women are or have been married to gay men. Statistics show that when one partner discloses being homosexual, the reactions are not always identical:

• 1/3 of couples separate immediately, either because the heterosexual person can no longer bear to share his spouse with another or because the homosexual person wishes to start a new life with his gay partner.
• 1/3 of couples decide to give themselves a chance as they wouldn’t want to break the family unit. The fear of what people would say often restrains them from speaking out.
• 1/3 of couples are committed to staying together “for better and for worse” because their life together has created a link too strong to be destroyed. They love each other beyond their sexual needs. In this case, the relationship continues and turns into a deep and sincere friendship. Separation often occurs after several years, especially when a spouse meets someone new and decides to invest in this new relationship. 

The Family Pride Coalition Statistics says:

• 20 % of all gay men in America are in a heterosexual marriage.
• 40 % of all lesbians in America are married to a male partner.
• 50 % of all gay men in America have fathered children.
• 75 % of all lesbians have children.

What should you do after the discovery?

Most people often soak themselves in self-pity and mourning after discovering their partner’s infidelity. Instead of crying, think of all the surprises that life still has in store for you. To be able to move on from the trauma, you must learn to forgive your spouse for cheating and hiding the truth for so long.

After the discovery, do not assume that your marriage is over because there are still some gay/straight marriages that are happy unions. According to research, out of 15 percent of couples who try to make the relationship work after the discovery, only 7 percent succeed over a long term.

It is important to run some medical screening to determine if you have been infected by your spouse. Also, while planning on the future of the relationship do not let anyone or anything influence your choice. You are the one who knows your needs more than anyone else so you should decide on what would make you happy at the end of the day.

If you need to take a therapy to help you, do it. If you need to cut off every contact with your ex, do it … and if you need to keep this person at your side, do it too.

What about the children?

When there are children at the center of the relationship, it often makes the situation even more difficult. We do not know whether to confess or hide it from them. Generally speaking, psychotherapists agree that any child who is old enough to understand sexuality should be informed. Of course, even toddlers already have enough on their shoulders, so they should be kept away from their parent’s issues. You can present it to them later on.

In some cases, teenage or adult children might choose to cut all ties with their homosexual parent. But as a parent, do not try to influence your child’s perception of his gay parent. Allow the child to find his own bearings in this new family image.