How to Get and Keep Your Man’s Attention…and its not by withholding sex

Are you struggling to get your man’s attention?

… Have you withheld sex to do it?   

You may think that this will get him to engage with you on other levels because he’ll do whatever it takes to have sex with you.

And yes—it may accomplish that.

But truthfully, it is one of the most destructive things you can do to your relationship…

… and most women have no idea.

Let’s talk about why, and what you can do instead to ensure that you keep his full attention and keep him engaging with you on every level, not just a sexual one.

 

The Relationship Gauge

While women may gauge the relationship on emotional connection, men gauge the health and happiness of the relationship based on frequency of sex.

You could expand that to food and sex…

… but sex probably tops the list.

After all, if you can’t cook dinner, it’s okay to get restaurant dinners, or fast food, or something out of the microwave, but if he went somewhere else for sex, that wouldn’t ever be okay.

Right?

So sex is the most important thing in the relationship to any man.

But it’s not just about the act itself. Sex is how men feel close to their women.

Read that again.

Having sex is how he feels close to you, connected to you, and loving toward you.

When you have sex with him, he feels validated that you love him and he loves you.

He feels all the warm, wonderful things you want him to feel towards you…

… because of having sex with you.

 

Cold Showers on His Feelings

Cutting off sex turns an ice cold shower on the #1 way your man feels close and connected to you.

In fact, relational researchers have found that men being sexually satisfied in a relationship is a top indicator that the relationship will last.

So if you cut him off, not only have your torn up his figurative “man card,” a little voice inside of him will start saying, “I’m miserable in this relationship,” because he uses sex as a gauge for the health of the relationship.

Think about it this way:

You are the woman he pledged to love and to cherish. And with great emotion, you probably pledged to love him too. Of all the women in the world, he chose you, and you chose him.

And now you want to refuse him in the way that he defines that love?

Think about what that would do to his heart.

Even if he can’t show it. Even if he’s sometimes off in his own world. Even if he never lets his emotions show.

It’s crushing his soul.

Seen from that perspective, can you see why he might grow distant? If he knows you’ll say ‘no,’ he’ll find excuses to be somewhere else, with someone else (the TV, his hobby, “the guys,” you name it). He’s protecting himself from being even more hurt by the woman he loves.

(Push him far enough and he’ll eventually decide to find another woman who won’t refuse him. It may take years, and he may never cheat, but he will want to get out of the relationship. Is that a future you want? Or do you want to keep him close to you and keep your relationship strong and happy? This doesn’t justify cheating in any way, it’s just a different perspective on why it might happen.)

Does that change anything for you?

That’s why the tactic of withholding sex is an epic fail, and one you need to stop doing immediately. If you are physically able, and if you want your relationship to last, change this now.

Here is what you can do instead.

 

Step #1: Form a New Habit

Withholding sex can become a habit. Pay attention to the times when you feel the urge to punish him or use sex as an incentive.

You’ve made a habit of saying no, so learn a new habit of saying yes.

You’ll be amazed at what happens to your relationship when you change this. When you are attentive to him sexually, he will start to become more attentive to you in the ways you want.

It’s like magic.

Step #2: Face Your Issue Head-on

If you are tempted to withhold sex because you’re upset about something, or you want him to do something, then address that issue head on.

You could say, “Yes, let’s have sex, but I want us to agree that later tonight, we’ll talk about something that has been bothering me, which was your behavior last night; but we won’t ruin our moment now, agreed?”

This helps your man feel closer to you because he is able to have sex with you, but also lets him know he’s not off the hook for handling other issues in the relationship. The sexual relationship can be strengthened while you work on the rest of it…

… but you’ll find that a healthy sex life changes the dynamic of the relationship and many other problems will become easier to deal with.

My best to you in bringing your man closer to you.

Have you ever withheld sex?

If you have taken the advice in the article to re-start your relationship, will you share the results?

How has your relationship changed, and how does he meet your concerns now versus before?

Please share your thoughts by leaving a comment below.

Wishing you the best in your relationship,

Meredith Finn

IRI Relationship Specialist