Affair Recovery, Moving Forward, Painful Emotions, Personal Healing, Spying
Jealousy in relationships
Sep
Jealousy is normal or is it?
Jealousy is a reaction to a perceived threat—real or imagined—to a valued relationship.(1)
Jealousy is a normal emotion, arising when someone feels insecure about their relationship (whether that relationship is with a romantic partner, a parent, a sibling, or a friend). Everyone experiences jealousy at some point in their lives. But problems can arise when jealousy moves from a healthy emotion to an unhealthy and irrational one. Irrational and excessive jealousy can eventually destroy a relationship. (2)
In relationships where feelings of jealousy are mild and occasional, it reminds couples not to take each other for granted. Jealousy also can motivate couples to appreciate one another and make a conscious effort to make sure their partner feels valued. When a healthy relationship experiences jealousy, it comes from a place of protection. One person sees a potential threat to the relationship and expresses concern or jealousy. Together, the couple discusses the issue rationally and comes to an agreement on how to move forward. They are both committed to the relationship and are not insecure about who they are as individuals.
A little jealousy can be reassuring in a relationship and may even be programmed into us. However, a lot of jealousy is overwhelming and scary. The jealous partner fears that an outsider is trying to win the affection of their loved one. Along with jealousy, an insecure partner may also feel angry, contemptuous, anxious, and depressed, which is why jealousy can be dangerous.
There’s no reason to believe that jealousy will improve without being addressed. Jealousy is not an emotion that can be banished with wishful thinking. It goes right to the core of the self and has deep roots, and it takes awareness and effort to overcome these feelings.
Is your jealousy unhealthy for your relationship?
It’s important to touch on how it feels to be the victim or on the receiving end of jealous accusations. Psychotherapist Robert L. Barker says
“As serious and painful as jealousy can be for those it afflicts, it is usually even more painful for those who have relationships with them. They are the victims, the ones who are suspected of infidelity, disloyalty, or other wrongdoing. Jealous people have a way of bring- ing down those with whom they share their lives, draining them of their feelings of adequacy and self-worth, contributing to their guilt feelings, and creating an anxiety-filled, stressful environment. Those who live with jealous people develop more than their share of ulcers, colitis, phobias, suicidal thoughts and acts, guilt, feelings of inadequacy, and—most of all—depression. And fewer resources for getting help are available to them than to their jealous partners.”
Life with a jealous person is like continually walking through a minefield, fearful of taking the wrong step.
If you’re experiencing jealousy, it is important to address it before it gets out of hand. Both you and your partner can learn how to handle jealousy in a healthy way.
“For those who experience abnormal jealousy, the emotion sets up a self-fulfilling prophecy. As their [partners] try to avoid them, their worst fears of losing love and respect are realized,” says psychotherapist Robert L. Barker in “The Green-Eyed Marriage.”
Unhealthy jealousy is characterized by these behaviours. See how many of these behaviours you’re experiencing to determine if jealousy is your personal issue:
- Being paranoid about what a partner is doing or feeling
- Demanding an account of where a partner has been
- Displaying unusual insecurity and fear
- Engaging in storytelling and making accusations that are not true
- Excessively questioning a partner’s behaviours and motives
- Following or stalking a partner to confirm their whereabouts
- Infringing on a partner’s freedom or prohibiting them from seeing friends or family
- Reading emails and texts or listening to voicemails expecting to discover infidelity or a lie
- Texting a partner non-stop when the couple is apart
What is the cause of your jealousy?
Unhealthy jealousy is rooted in fear of abandonment and a worry about not being truly loved.(1) When faced with a situation that might provoke jealousy, someone who struggles with this emotion may respond with fear, anger, grief, worry, sadness, doubt, pain, self-pity, and humiliation. They also may generally feel suspicious or threatened, or they may struggle with a sense of failure. (1)
Jealousy can happen for many reasons, including:
- Being insecure or having a poor self-image
- Fearing abandonment or betrayal
- Feeling intense possessiveness or a desire for control
- Having a misguided sense of ownership over a partner
- Having unrealistic expectations about relationships in general
- Maintaining unrealistic expectations of a partner
- Reliving a hurtful experience of abandonment in the past
- Worrying about losing someone or something important
- Working through the painful emotions surrounding infidelity
How to Overcome Jealousy after an Infidelity
After reconciling with your partner it is normal to feel jealous especially if there still exists a cordial relationship between your spouse and his ex-lover. For example, your husband had an affair and a baby was born and you know in such situations there would always be communication between him and his “baby mama”.
He has already told you that they have broken all intimate connections, but each time she calls him on phone or each time he goes to visit his child, you feel so jealous and insecure. It is normal to feel so but being excessively jealous can be very harmful. This is because the presence of jealousy would affect the rebuilding of trust after infidelity. Also, jealousy can turn you into a nagging spouse and no one enjoys being constantly nagged especially for non-valid reasons. If you portray such an attitude you might end up chasing your spouse back into the arms of his ex-lover.
Do you always feel jealous? If yes, do you feel the need to stop being jealous? Below are some tips that would help you handle such feelings after infidelity.
Work on yourself:
Working on your thoughts and choosing the right feelings would help you to fight jealousy. Evaluate yourself and find out why you are often jealous. Do you have valid reasons for such feelings? Another reason that makes people feel jealous is low self-esteem. That moment when you start feeling like your spouse’s ex-lover is prettier or better than you, you stand the chance of losing yourself to such thoughts. Instead of feeding on such thoughts, learn to love and value the person you are.
Yes! I know your spouse had cheated once but that doesn’t mean he would repeat it. In situations whereby your spouse’s ex is his colleague, boss or neighbor, to get over your feelings of jealousy, you must make yourself understand that the affair is over and they only maintain a work relationship.
Talk to your partner:
It is important that you share your feelings with your spouse. Tell him your fears, insecurity and jealousy. When you do so, your partner would reassure you of his commitment to you. At this point, do not doubt what he says. Although, I know that sometimes, such partners still end up cheating again with either a new person or with same person but even if that happens, just let the negative feelings go. That’s the best way to maintain your sanity.
Do not invade your partner’s privacy:
During the period of infidelity recovery and reconciliation, you would be tempted severally to snoop through your partner’s privacy. You might want to check his phone, connections, chats, calls, clothes, wallet, etc. I would advise that you avoid such an attitude because you might just find the clues that you are afraid of seeing again.
Besides, touching your partner’s personal items can make him feel bad especially when he expects you to trust him again. To avoid further misunderstandings and jealousy, stay away from his items.
3 quick tips to handle jealousy
- Acknowledge the problem – if your partner is not behaving suspiciously and they are doing their best to provide you with a safe secure and trusting environment, it’s important that you look within yourself to determine why you’re feeling jealousy. Admitting that you have some personal emotions to work through is important for your own personal growth. Jealousy isn’t situationally, meaning that if you don’t work on the reasons for your jealousy in your current relationship, and should this relationship end, you will find reasons to be jealous in your future relationships
- Research and read up on jealousy – you may even need to attend a few counselling sessions. Jealousy can be a very dangerous emotion if you do not get it in check. Aside from destroying your personal relationships, you can change your mental health from one who finds happiness in life to one who is constantly in fear or suspicious. It’s hard to be happy when you’re always in doubt.
- Preserve good family health. Whatever the nature of the jealousy problem, the most fundamental and important response is to make sure that everyone in the home stays healthy. Many members of a jealous person’s family allow themselves to become run down, depressed, and dispirited. Their self-esteem is so battered they sometimes act as though they deserve to get sick. Successful coping, therefore, is built on keeping the home environment emotionally and physically healthy.
Jealousy and ageing
Does jealousy change with age? Many people believe that jealousy occurs in people primarily during young adulthood. Even most psychiatrists said that spouses in their twenties were more likely to be jealous of one another, with less jealousy seen in each succeeding decade. This notion may be encouraging to those who suffer from jealousy problems. It implies that the problem will go away as one grows older and becomes more mature (4).
There is a relationship between the aging process and people’s jealous behaviour. Several studies have shown that older people, as a group, have less concern about jealousy issues than younger people. The Kinsey reports, for example, said that older people are more accepting of extramarital sex. One researcher tested groups of people by describing jealousy-provoking situations and found that virtually everyone under thirty-one would become somewhat jealous, while only 60 percent of those over thirty-one would feel jealous in the same situation.(3)
It is not aging or reduced sexual interest but emotional maturity that reduces jealousy. Maturity, of course, is not necessarily a product of chronological age. It has more to do with the ability to postpone immediate rewards and gratification in order to acquire something more significant in the long run. Maturity often, though not always, comes from experience, from learning, and from acquiring new values. Older people, with their greater range of experiences, equips them with opportunities to be more tolerant of differences in individual behaviour. If an older person doesn’t grow in emotional maturity or is so closed off from the environment that the range of experience does not in- crease, there is little reason to believe that jealousy feelings will diminish.
Sources
- Rodriguez LM, DiBello AM, Øverup CS, Neighbors C. The price of distrust: Trust, anxious attachment, jealousy, and partner abuse. Partner Abuse. 2015;6(3):298–319. doi:10.1891/1946-6560.6.3.298
- https://www.verywellmind.com/overcome-jealousy-in-your-marriage-2303979#
- Alfred C. Kinsey, Wardell Pomeroy, and Clyde Martin (1948): Sex- ual Behavior in the Human Male
- Pietropinto, “Current Thinking,”
I feel like this article makes those that have been cheated on feel like s***
I have recently been getting back with an ex who cheated. I have been experiencing this heartwrentching jealousy like it actually hurts my chest. Reason im getting back together with him is that the amazing connection is there and i cant feel anything towards anyone anymore exept him. Dont get me wrong i have had one longer side relationship after him and dated after my previous relationship but after the long previous relationship i havent felt anything while dating. I used to be a person who has loads of crushes but now I cant feel anything. Only with him i can.
I dont want to be on the lookout all the time. Specially with his female friends. How can I make the jealousy stop? I came here because im experiencing the huge pain in my chest again.
I feel for you all . I am struggling with trust issues after finding myhusvand had been messgaing and sending Nd receiving photos and chatting up aoemn pn line and going on carious porn sites . The hardest is that he will not admit and now he recwntly turned his phone off ofr over 5 hours spent pver $100 and is not using his phone . I noticed a ladies number when i asked to send a photo and he got angry at me and said he feels like hes in jail and i dont trust him . Theres so much more to the story and i teally need to let it out but dotn want to talk to friends as it will not be good
Hi I know how everyone is feeling my husband after 20 years has just had an affair
With an old friend who he hasn’t seen for 32 years, he is 60 she now is 48 married with
3 grown up children . They contacted each other via facebook, I found out he sent her
Flowers and it was on the bank statement, they have met,so I’m devastated the fact texting wasn’t enough sending each other flirty emojis after every txt . He says they haven’t been intimate but it’s been a full blown emotional affair, but how can I believe him he has told
Me so many lies, and in all our 20 years he has always told me the truth . I feel I can’t move on until he tells me the whole truth but he gets angry when the subject is mentioned I can’t move on until the truth is told . We have had a very trusting 20 years . We are making another go at it but in my heart I feel I should have walked away rather than
Build trust again after 20 years I shouldn’t have to do that . The pain is something I’ve
Never experienced in my life even child birth never felt like this. In my head once a cheater
Always a cheater they have had the feeling of what it’s like and will want more eventually.
Staying is not worth the low self esteem the not good enough feeling and knowing he had
Feelings for someone else.
I agree with Anonymous. I am currently dealing with my husband’s 3 year long infidelity and I am not sure if I can make it. It hurts to be betrayed! Every weave of my body is unraveling. The only thing that keeps me together is my 15 year old son and the hope that 25 years of marriage is worth saving. I check his cheat phone, his cheat email, and his browsing history to ensure that he has really stopped betraying me. I have not seen any new sign of cheating but it has only been 3 months since I discovered the affairs that he has supposedly stopped. We are going through couples therapy to get over this unfathomable crisis and to rebuild trust. Maybe things will change over time if trust is rebuilt but I am far from it. I will definitely leave if he perpetrates again. Hope time heals my wounds.
How are you doing now, is It better?
Hi replying to the above it’s 6 months on since my husbands affair and I’m
Not going to lie I have good days and bad, but I know I’m never going to forget
What he done because I know deep down he hasn’t told me the truth. I know
A lot more than he thinks I have spoken to the affair partner I could call her a
Worse name but I’m to classy for that, the reason I can’t move on quick is because
I have seen photos of this person and she is plain short dark hair on The plump
Side not at all like myself, I’m blonde slim attractive so I’m told,and I would not
Have an affair the reason bring I couldnt put any women through the pain I suffered, and defiantly not children. So it doesn’t make it clear why and what
Was the attraction , we have always been loving and caring to each other . Before
The affair I have never in my life been jealous in any relationship I’ve never had
The need to so the one person I trusted implicidly broke the trust and my heart.
I am stronger as each day goes by but I will never take it for granted that it will
Never happen again. But one thing I am sure about if it happens again I will walk
With my head high. I give the best and deserve the best. Good luck head High
How do people who have affairs sleep at night.
Dear Anonymous,
This is exactly how I feel. I snoop through his phone, and although I find things there that further hurt me, the main thing for me is to be SURE that all affairs are over with. I just don’t want to be played for a fool any longer. I love him dearly, but if another affair occurs, especially since I have clearly shown him how much his infidelity has hurt me, I would want out of the relationship altogether
That is pretty superficial advice.
I feel like the advice being given is to lie to yourself about your own feelings and suspicions, and to give trust in the individual that doesn’t deserve your trust. The only way im able to maintain my sanity is to trust that this person wont commit the same offense again, and the only way to earn that trust is by proof. Prior to the incident the love this person showed me was all the proof I needed, to know that this person is committed to me and would never jeopardize what we have by cheating on me. But now it isnt enough to keep me reassured that it wont happen again. Lie after lie I had to endure during this time and im not sure when the lies actually stopped.
Im not self conscious about myself, I KNOW my worth and she knows it too, but its hard to see the value of your spouse whenever you’re out drinking wine and socializing with friends.
As I am a shift worker its hard to not consider all the possibilities of what’s taking place while im away, and I need something to help settle my mind. Because spying on my spouse is draining and will only lead to further confrontations. But as I see it now “the juice is worth the squeeze” because I love this individual dearly and I can get over the indiscretion but I cant go on knowing that it “might” happen again.
I agree with you. It’s so hard.