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How to re-establish intimacy after infidelity

Posted on by IRI
sex and intimacy
18
Mar

Remembering to touch lovingly and sexually

When couples are recovering from infidelity, they often stop all acts of affection and sex. This is a natural reaction and rejection, especially of the betrayed spouse to the unfaithful spouse, can go on for months. After the shock of the discovery subsides, the couple must begin to rediscover their own intimacy, should they wish to save their relationship.To build passion and “chemistry”, it is important to increase the intimacy of touch over time (in just the right way).

Don’t avoid touching your mate. Don’t try to lurch forward too quickly either (like going for a kiss after hours of not touching). Instead, follow a slow, steady progression of increasingly intimate touch.

More specifically, use Heslin’s (1974) categories as a guide:

  1. Begin with social touching – Touch a partner’s hand briefly to highlight an emotional point. Touch their shoulder softly to get their attention. Briefly handle interesting objects that they may have (cell phone, lighter, jewelry). Keep it light, playful, and fun.
  2. Move to friendly touching – As attraction and influence grows, you will notice your partner becoming more comfortable. At this point, hold their hand for a moment or two. Give them a hug. Nuzzle a bit during calm moments. Get close and touch shoulders or legs as you sit next to each other.
  3. Introduce intimate touch – After getting comfortable, work on cuddling them close to build more passion. Throw your arm around them. Brush the hair away from their face. Hold hugs closer and for longer periods of time. Then, when the moment is right, kiss.
  4. Find a place for sexual touch – Moving from intimate, loving touch to sexually arousing touch requires a bit more time and privacy. However, if you have been followed the general touch and courtship progression thus far, moving to sex will be comfortable and easy. Simply follow the steps above, then increase the passion of your kissing. Use tongue. Kiss and caress more vulnerable parts – including the neck and chest. Move your hands over the lower back, rear, thighs, etc. Then take it from there into foreplay and sex.

For many client who are recovering after infidelity, sex is out of the question. So instead of having no intimacy at all in the relationship, you need to re-establish your path to intimacy – through Courtship (aka Dating).According to Givens (1999), the process of nonverbal communication or negotiation is to send and receive messages in an attempt to gain someone’s approval or love. Courtship, which may lead to love, is defined as a nonverbal message designed to attract sexual partners.During courtship, we exchange nonverbal communication gestures to tell each other to come nearer and nearer until we touch. Essential signals in the path to intimacy include facial nuzzles, kissing and caressing each other.Courtship has five phases which include the attention phase, recognition phase, conversation phase, touching phase, and the love-making phase. Haptics takes place more during the last two phases.

  1. First touch: Is likely to be more “accidental” than premeditated by touching a neutral body part and where the recipient either accepts the touch or rejects it through body movement.
  2. Hugging: The embrace is the most basic way of telling someone that you love them and possibly need them too.
  3. Intention to touch: A nonverbal communication haptic code or cue is the intention behind it. Reaching your hand across the table to a somewhat unknown person is used as a way to show readiness to touch.
  4. Kissing: Moving in concert by turning heads to allow for the lips to touch is the final part of the fourth stage of courtship, the kiss.
  5. The final phase, love-making, which includes tactile stimulation during foreplay known as the light or protopathic touch. Any feelings of fear or apprehension may be calmed through other touching like kissing, nuzzling, and a gentle massage.

Too often, couples look for sex at the end of an evening, when touching has been absent throughout the day. Perhaps a mate tries to jump too quickly to sexual touch, without laying the attractive, passionate, and affectionate foundations of touch that precede it.As a result, it is often difficult to bridge the distance and sexual interest dies out. Or, more accurately, the attempt to request sex is not “influential” without the proper use of touch.To alleviate that problem, remember to touch your partner routinely throughout the day. A hug here. A nuzzle there. Quick kisses during a free moment. An arm over the shoulder and a little cuddling on the couch.Don’t forget the “satisfying” relationship physical affection behaviors – backrubs/massages, caressing/stroking, cuddling/holding, holding hands, hugging, and kissing. Source:

 

 

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