How to set healthy boundaries in a relationship

One of the healthiest things that we can do for our relationship, is setting up healthy boundaries. Boundaries are a key component of self-care, and in order to set them up right you’ve got to know where to begin.

If you have difficulty saying no, override your needs to please others, or are bothered by someone (even if they are not demanding, controlling, criticizing, pushy, abusive, invasive, pleading, or even smothering you with kindness), it’s your responsibility to speak up.

There’s an art to setting boundaries. If it’s done in anger or by nagging, you won’t be heard. Boundaries are not meant to punish, but are for your well-being and protection. They’re more effective when you’re assertive, calm, firm, and courteous. If that doesn’t work, you may need to communicate consequences to encourage compliance.

First, understand what “boundaries” are.

My own personal definition of a boundary is “a proactive and predetermined rule or course of action.”  Simple as that.  The first part speaks to the fact that a boundary is created ahead of time, before a particular situation begins.

The second part speaks to what a boundary is, and can be understood as simply deciding what you will do in a particular scenario.  An example:  “I won’t accept anything less than a five percent raise when I see my boss next,” or “I will say yes the next time a friend calls to hang out.”  Boundaries aren’t complex, but they are important!

Simply put, boundaries are limits to what is acceptable or can be tolerated in a relationship. Boundaries are very individual, but people with addictions and those close to them often have problems with setting and sticking to boundaries in relationships

Types of Boundaries

• Material boundaries determine whether you give or lend things, such as your money, car, clothes, books, food, or toothbrush.
• Physical boundaries pertain to your personal space, privacy, and body. Do you give a handshake or a hug – to whom and when? How do you feel about loud music, nudity, and locked doors?
• Mental boundaries apply to your thoughts, values, and opinions. Are you easily suggestible? Do you know what you believe, and can you hold onto your opinions? Can you listen with an open mind to someone else’s opinion without becoming rigid? If you become highly emotional, argumentative, or defensive, you may have weak emotional boundaries.
• Emotional boundaries distinguish separating your emotions and responsibility for them from someone else’s. It’s like an imaginary line or force field that separates you and others. Healthy boundaries prevent you from giving advice, blaming or accepting blame. They protect you from feeling guilty for someone else’s negative feelings or problems and taking others’ comments personally. High reactivity suggests weak emotional boundaries. Healthy emotional boundaries require clear internal boundaries – knowing your feelings and your responsibilities to yourself and others.
• Sexual boundaries protect your comfort level with sexual touch and activity – what, where, when, and with whom.
• Spiritual boundaries relate to your beliefs and experiences in connection with God or a higher power.

Boundaries are all about breadth, not depth.

In my opinion, it’s much more important to have a wide variety of boundaries covering numerous life and relationship scenarios than it is to think too much about any one boundary.  If this seems counter intuitive, remember that boundaries are there to ensure proper self-care (preventing others from bringing you down, sapping your emotional strength, and bringing you to a mental place that is simply unhealthy).

Good self-care must develop from all aspects of your life:  physical, mental, career, financial, relational, educational, and more.  This means more boundaries, not less, so get creating!

Boundaries can be small, so don’t overthink it

A boundary can literally be one sentence, such as “I will not loan movies to my untrustworthy friends again” or “I don’t have to say yes every time a friend calls me to hang out (and I won’t feel guilty if I say no!).”

If you’re spending too much time thinking about boundaries, you’re doing it wrong!

Are you co-dependent?

It’s hard for codependents to set boundaries because:

1. They put others’ needs and feelings first;
2. They don’t know themselves;
3. They don’t feel they have rights;
4. They believe setting boundaries jeopardizes the relationship; and
5. They never learned to have healthy boundaries.

Boundaries are learned. If yours weren’t valued as a child, you didn’t learn you had them. Any kind of abuse violates personal boundaries, including teasing. For example, my brother ignored my pleas for him to stop tickling me until I could barely breathe. This made me feel powerless and that I didn’t have a right to say “stop” when I was uncomfortable. In recovery, I gained the capacity to tell a masseuse to stop and use less pressure. In some cases, boundary violations affect a child’s ability to mature into an independent, responsible adult.

It takes time, support, and relearning to be able to set effective boundaries. Self-awareness and learning to be assertive are the first steps. Setting boundaries isn’t selfish. It’s self-love – you say “yes” to yourself each time you say “no.” It builds self-esteem. But it usually takes encouragement to make yourself a priority and to persist.

Do you have effective boundaries in your life?  Even if you do, could now be a good time to take a second look at them and see if a refresher is needed?  Contact Me for an appointment.