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How to tell children about divorce
Apr
Children of all ages can be devastated by the news that their parents are divorcing. Even those who have been living in a highly conflictual situation are often shocked by their parents’ final decision to separate. It is our hope that this article can help you prepare for how to tell children about divorce.
For most children, separation means major changes to family life and often losing a parent. The long-term impacts of divorce are now widely recognized with increasing chances of problems at school, criminal behavior, problems in their own relationships and mental illness.
Telling your children that you’re separating can be the thing you most dread. You may fear your children’s reactions. It may also make your separation all the more real for you.
Your separation is a life-changing event for your children. The more you plan and prepare for letting them know about it, the better you can support them.
Your children’s needs will depend upon their age and development, but the following are some areas you may find it helpful to think about when preparing to tell your children about your separation.
Will you talk to the children together?
If you can, speak to your ex about how you’re going to talk to the children.
If it doesn’t create conflict, it can help to tell your children about your separation together.
Whether working together or alone, you may want to prepare answers to the questions you most dread being asked.
Will you be strong enough?
Think about how you (and your ex) may react while breaking the news. Consider how can you deal with things if they get difficult.
What’s the best time and place?
The family home is a comfortable place for children to be. It is a more familiar environment, and they can let out their emotions easier, than if they were out in a public place. They also have the chance to retreat to their own space, to process the news.
If you’ve young children, they may want something to play with to help them stay focused. However, with older children you may want to avoid the distraction of TV, phones and computers.
Pick an unhurried time when there will be no interruptions and you can all be around afterwards if necessary.
How will my children be?
It’s natural to have expectations of how your children may react. However, reactions can vary and are sometimes delayed. Try to be prepared for this and take one step at a time.
Thinking about what your children need
If you‘ve experiences of your own parents separating or other couples close to your family, take a moment to remember how this felt for you.
- How old were you?
- What do you remember feeling?
- How did someone else comfort you?
- What helped and what didn’t?
Exploring these questions can help you work out what you want (or don’t want) for your children when they hear your news.
Divorce due to Infidelity
Children do NOT need to know the details of their parents sexual life. Research shows time and again, children do not fair well in their adult relationships when they come from a broken home due to infidelity. For more information on this area, see the following articles:
- Children, Infidelity, Divorce
- Children of infidelity
- Unfaithful parents create unfaithful children
- Is it ok to slag off your ex?
The Top 6 Books on “How to tell children about divorce”
- Putting Children First: Proven Parenting Strategies for Helping Children Thrive Through Divorce by
- How to Talk to Your Kids about Your Divorce: Healthy, Effective Communication Techniques for Your Changing Family
Dr. Samantha Rodman - Getting Through My Parents’ Divorce: A Workbook for Children Coping with Divorce, Parental Alienation, and Loyalty Conflicts
Amy J. L. Baker PhD - It’s Not Your Fault, Koko Bear: A Read-Together Book for Parents and Young Children During Divorce
Vicki Lansky - Talking to Children About Divorce: A Parent’s Guide to Healthy Communication at Each Stage of Divorce
Jean McBride MS LMFT - Helping Your Kids Cope with Divorce the Sandcastles Way
M. Gary Neuman
Helpful Guides for Therapists & Practitioners
- Creative Interventions for Children of Divorce
Liana Lowenstein - Assessment and Treatment Activities for Children, Adolescents, and Families: Practitioners Share Their Most Effective Techniques
Liana Lowenstein - Cory Helps Kids Cope with Divorce: Playful Therapeutic Activities for Young Children
Liana Lowenstein
