“I cheated on my wife with 23 women, but I know why I did it”- Peter

Recently, my attention was drawn to an infidelity documentary shared on Channel 5 of British Television. The documentary had five unfaithful spouses who took a bold step to confess their infidelity on TV. One of them was Peter, a local police detective who cheated on his wife for more than twenty times. Peter had gotten married in 1984 during his last year in college.

“I was impetuous and strong, while she was very smart and shy.  It was love at first sight as I was amazed by her appearance,” he said while recalling the first moment he saw her.

“She was attractive and different from all my ex-girlfriends. She had an air of sophistication that I loved.”

Peter had been unfaithful with all his previous girlfriends, but when he married his wife he had vowed to turn into a new leaf. Working as a model at that time exposed him to tempting situations so he resigned and joined the police force where he worked as a detective.

Peter’s faithfulness ended up partly because of his new work schedule. He was assigned to a three-and-a-half-month training program that only left him free on weekends. That is to say, he spent five days in a row at the training center and over there, prostitutes were allowed into the premises every night to entertain the workers. It was very difficult to resist sexual advances.

It was during that time that Peter cheated on his wife for the first time. He slept with an unknown woman who got his attention through her slow and sensual dance, and by the kiss, she gave him afterward. Meanwhile, his wife was at home, resting, and pregnant with their first child.

 How did you feel after that incident?

“Although I was unfaithful in my previous relationships, cheating after being married made me feel guilty. I knew I shouldn’t have compromised but I fell for it because it was fun.” 

Obviously, Peter and the stranger never saw each other again but was she the last stranger he slept with?

After that first encounter, it was difficult for him to be faithful as he continued sleeping with different strange women. Sleeping with unknown women suddenly became an addiction that was no longer limited to only work days. Suddenly, he also started looking for girls on weekends. He would make excuses even on those days he was supposed to be at home with his wife. According to him, he was involved in “risky sex.”

It would be easier to discover the infidelity of a man who has a particular mistress than one who sleeps with prostitutes. This is because they barely keep in contact. Peter was able to hide his infidelity and even when his wife got suspicious, he told her lies to cover up. Deep inside, he suffered from guilt and shame and wished he could just let it all out.

The Infidelity Discovery and Recovery:

You will wonder if his wife knew all about his infidelity before the documentary was broadcast. Yes, she had found out through a personal development book that Peter had been writing. When she confronted him, he only accepted having a one-night fling with a co-worker. He lied because he didn’t want to hurt her with the whole truth. It was after some months that he finally decided to confess the whole truth to her.

“Initially, my wife was devastated. The truth was a bitter pill to swallow. Soon after the grief stage, she felt sorry for me for developing such an addiction. To save our marriage we went for therapy and gradually she was able to forgive me and heal from all her hurt.

With the help of my wife and counselors, I was able to let go of my addiction. One of the best feelings I have had after the incident is the feeling of being forgiven and loved unconditionally by your spouse. Due to the support I got, I believe I will never be unfaithful again” he said.

Does monogamy still exist?

Nowadays, infidelity has become a common practice in our society and one would wonder if monogamy still exists.  A study published by the University of Bath investigated the reasons that led men to cheat on their partners.  The subjects gave different reasons for infidelity and out of the 40 interviewed, 26 had cheated but none of them wanted their spouse to find out because they didn’t want conflicts in their marriage.

Professor Eric Anderson, the author of a research concluded that nature has not designed man to be monogamous. According to him, monogamy is a culture that man tries to adopt and that is why being faithful becomes difficult.

If you asked me what I think, I would say; there is no acceptable excuse for infidelity and every adult should be held responsible for the choices he/she makes instead of blaming it on nature.

One wrong perception most people have is that marriage has a way of changing an unfaithful person into a committed spouse.  Well, the truth is that most people who were promiscuous while single still continue with the same lifestyle after marriage. Although, the frequency might be reduced because they are being monitored. I have also seen cases where someone who got married as a virgin suddenly decides to become promiscuous.

Infidelity weakens the marital bond and the lies told to cover infidelity lead to loss of trust, confidence, conviction, and love. Irrespective of the temptation that might come a person’s way, infidelity still remains a choice. It can be overcome through self-respect and self-control.  Also, if unfaithful partners are able to confess their infidelity and be remorseful about it, that would help in healing the marriage.