“I felt responsible for my wife’s infidelity” husband speaks

I was left in shock when my wife said: “I’m leaving you.” I looked into her eyes, looking for the love that once lit those eyes but couldn’t find it. I asked myself, “Who is this woman?” I couldn’t believe how the woman I have been married to for the past two years could become a stranger in an instant. 

“What are you saying? Why do you want to leave me? I asked her.

“I feel miserable and alone.  Maybe staying apart from each other would help to bring us closer.”

“I don’t understand what you are saying. How could a separation help us get closer? ” I asked.

“I don’t know, but what I know is that I cannot live here anymore. I need to spend some time alone to think. I do not even know if I love you or if I’ve ever loved you.”

I stooped to beg her: “Please do not leave right away. Can you at least wait until tomorrow? ”

She picked up her suitcase in silence, hoisted her purse on her shoulder and came out of the front door shaking her hair with a theatrical air and while I was still watching, she drove away.

A Hidden Adventure

I knew I hadn’t been the best husband and used to get angry at her. I knew that I was putting every single blame on her. I knew she became distant from me but I never thought she was unfaithful to me.

During the months of my separation from Nancy, I found myself in a pitiful state. Every time I called her, I would cry and ask her when she would come back and her responses were always short. She wasn’t ready to talk to me.

I asked some friends to spy on her, and they told me that she looked good and seemed happy. They advised me to accept the fact that she has left me and move on. Then a day came when she asked for a divorce, I thought it was the end of our marriage.

But one evening, after a radical change in her heart, she came home and said, “I’ve been lying to you for months, but I’ll tell you the truth now. You can ask me any question. ”

“Is there another man? ” She was so ashamed to reply so she looked away and said, “Yes, I have been unfaithful with a man at work. But it’s over now. I’ll resign by tomorrow and never see him again. I hope you can take me back and we can stay married. ”

Rebuilding The Marriage:

The decision to forgive was quickly taken but rebuilding our life as a couple took a long time. One day, I felt good; the next day I lost hope. So, she became perplexed and frustrated. We could be loving and caring for a week, then resume our old habits the next week before getting back on track.

The first thing we did together was to seek advice from a wise Christian couple. Then, for several months, we were followed by a Christian counselor. We started to participate in a group for couples and we started reading books about a couple life. We found some very useful Bible principles and practical ways to live according to those tips.

An important principle that helped us heal as a couple was to be kind to one another during this process of recovery. When we missed it, we tried not to worry too much because we knew we were putting in our best.

A New Mission:

I never asked Nancy to tell me the details of her infidelity. I did not want to be obsessed with what she did or who she did it with. When thoughts in this regard flooded my head, I refused to talk about them. Instead, I chose to turn my thoughts to the future we were building together. I decided to let go of the past and focus on the possibilities that lie in the future.

I Tried to Understand Her:

I discovered that my wife is more sensitive than my male friend who laughs whenever I tease him.  But when I tease my wife, it demoralizes her psychically and spiritually. It hurts her and makes her withdraw from me.

When I understood that about her, I stopped the teasing and respected her and that helped in reducing the quarrels we were having and our intimacy got deepened. Nancy soon realized how important my forgiveness was for her. She thanked me severally for accepting her back. She started to treat me with new respect, and I started to value her.

The Journey So Far:

I have never regretted the decision to forgive Nancy. It has been more than 25 years now, but we have not stopped learning from this experience. I can say that her infidelity wasn’t completely her fault. She had often expressed how lonely, sad, and discouraged she felt, and like the egotist I was, I did not care about her needs. I almost never offered her compliments and I was not the spiritual leader of the home.

So that experience helped us to embrace God’s values for marriage. Although our emotions can sometimes change, we depend on God who is always there to help and transform us.

Here’s what we learned:

• Always try to improve your relationship.
• Do not let the guard down.
• Do not take your partner for granted.
• And do not trust your temporary emotions, as they can fool you.

It amazes me to see how far we have gone – we have had a lot of fun together and we love each other deeply. Our son often sees us hand in hand. For him, we are a living example of mercy and restoration.

Our home was broken – but with the help of God and a lot of effort, our marriage got restored, and became stronger than ever.

© 2008 by Ron Andersen.