When you suspect your partner is cheating on you, the best course of action to take is to wait until your partner is in a relaxed state, and you are in a calm state, and ask them directly. Tell them why you believe this is true. Direct communication of your feelings is always the best. However, as infidelity occurs so frequently in relationships, we can assume honest communication is difficult.
In this section of the infidelity recovery institute website, we will offer advice to the person who believes their spouse maybe cheating on them. The goal is to gather the evidence, and discover the truth. If your spouse is having an affair, we provide advice on what you should do. However if your spouse is not having an affair, then you yourself need to commit to putting 100% into trusting yourself and your spouse, and understanding how to have an emotionally engaging & passionate relationship. If they have been proven innocent you need to put the situation behind you and stop punishing them.
In those circumstances it may be necessary to revisit the relationship and examine what led you to have such suspicions. It is quite a big deal to accuse someone of having an affair. Is it about you and how you feel unloved or under-valued in the relationship? Or is it about your relationship failing to nurture both yours and your partner’s emotional and intimate needs? You may require some assistance through marital or relationship counseling to identify any recurring themes or inadequacies in the relationship.
The circumstances that led you to believe the worst need to be dealt with, as well as the lack of communication and trust issues. You will still need to put some work into rebuilding your relationship as a couple. You may be able to do this on your own, but a marriage counselor will be able to deliver a more conclusive and mutually satisfying result.
PREPARE YOURSELF
I know at the moment the only thought in your head is whether or not your partner is having an affair.
It may have been like this for weeks on end. Now, just like any other traumatic experience you may have had in your life, you are going to have to take a moment to think how you will prepare yourself for good or bad news. At the time of finding out you may not think straight and see anything past this moment.
First things first. How are you going to catch your partner cheating on you?
When you suspect your partner is cheating on you, you need to resist your first instinct to confront your partner and accuse them. While this may seem like the most logical thing to do, you have to resist this strong instinct and think carefully and strategically.
If you expose your suspicions immediately, what sort of response do you hope to get? Is it likely to bring you closer to the proof, or jeopardize your chances of knowing for sure what is really happening?
If you don’t have any proof, or your proof is just circumstantial, the most likely response you will get is denial. If you can’t prove without a doubt that you know about their affair, there is little you will be able to do that will refute their denial.
From a strategic point of view, you will have jeopardized your chances of catching your partner in the act because you will have alerted them to your suspicion. In future they will be more careful to hide their tracks, making it harder for you to find proof. If you claim ignorance, and don’t confront your partner, they will have no reason to think you suspect anything. In fact, they may become reckless and become complacent when it comes to hiding evidence of their affair.
As well as listening out for slips of the tongue, you can also watch for other signs, like when your partner comes home smelling of soap, a different change of clothes, or with damp hair. It may be something as small as a sudden need to shower when they come in the door, or avoiding kissing or hugging you until they have been to the bathroom. Do their actions correlate with what you are told, or is there a need to look closer? Don’t confront, just make a note of it, and wait for the next indiscretion or slip-up.
The longer you are able to maintain the illusion of ignorance the more proof you will be able to gather. Remember, without concrete proof, you should never accuse your partner. Not only is there the likelihood they will deny it and make it harder for you to prove their guilt, but there is also the possibility, however unlikely, of you being wrong.
A private investigator is not always an affordable option, so the key to your success is in thinking of ways you and your support person may be able to catch them. Check their cell phone for inappropriate texts or calls. Make a note of their work patterns and check if their home arrival times deviate from those working patterns. Follow them to the gym or if he or she is working late. Check their gym equipment to see if it has been used. If they say they have stopped at a shop or a bar, see if you can find evidence of this with receipts picked up in their pockets later.
Whatever you decide to do, remain undetected, otherwise you partner will become suspicious of you and change their routine with their lover.
Have all the hard evidence there before you give it to your cheating partner. If it is all there, there is no way they can get out of it. Surprising them with the evidence doesn’t give them time to make up excuses. Also keep it for any legal purposes, as it may come in handy.
Considerations
In that one moment, you can change the course of the rest of your life. Take some time to consider your options and discuss this through with your support person.
- Make a plan and write it down. Writing it down is important because at the time you may not be able to see it clearly. If it is written down you will know exactly what you want to do and not change your mind because your emotions will also be so strong.
- You also need to prepare yourself if your partner isn’t actually cheating. Be careful not to take your actions too far before you have sufficient proof of guilt.
- Choose a support person that you trust completely like a family member or best friend that will help you from start to finish. Be 100% sure this is not your partner’s lover. Talk to them as soon as you start to think there is something strange going on, as it is always good to express your opinion to someone and they can tell you their point of view.Ask them earlier on if you can stay at their house at any point if you do find out. Now you know you have someone to lean on and somewhere to go in your time of need, it will lessen the pain as you won’t be on your own.
- If you don’t have anyone that you can go to, check out support groups in your community. You may also have to check out any shelters or motels in your area if you feel you cannot stay in your house and your partner won’t leave. When it comes down to it, it is important to have a sanctuary or some place you can go if you need to be alone for a while.
- Decide beforehand if you think you would actually want to stay with your partner and if you think you could forgive them. I want you to give this point some special thought. A lot hinges on this decision, so don’t let your first emotive declaration be your final decision.
- Do you still love your partner? Do you still want to be married? Do you think you could forgive them if they asked you for forgiveness? What implications is your decision going to have on your future?
- If you want to stay together think of all the things partner and things you want to change about your your opportunity to re-evaluate the relationship as a is going wrong, and discuss what changes need to move forward.
- Think of all the things you want to say and feelings you want to express. At the time you may remember everything and you can’t say it later on when the time has passed. They should know exactly how you feel to see what it is they have done, they have to accept responsibility for what they have done.
- Keep all your evidence and ask people to remember the infidelities just in case you go to court. Ask around and find good lawyers for a good price. Good lawyers cost about the same as bad ones. Lawyers that are recommended by friends are the best.
- Save up some cash so you aren’t left with nothing. Even though it is your partner that cheated, they may not leave the house and you may not be able to stand living with them. It is better at times like this that you both have some space to think.
- Make sure you have enough cash for a couple of weeks. You may need to sort out a loan from the bank beforehand if you have expenses that need covering such as rent deposits and bonds. Check with the bank if you need to freeze any joint accounts and credit cards because your partner may spend your money once you have gone.
Stay calm! If you start jumping up and down, screaming and hitting (as much as you want to) your partner may think you are unstable and pathetic. If you are strong and pulled together, your partner will be worried because they know that they are not going to get away with it, and that you will not be walked over. It will also show that you are not needy of your partner, which will scare them because they may think you will leave them.
Don’t lash out in a time of anger. As much as you may be tempted and feel you are justified, violence is never an acceptable reaction. Retain your self-control and your dignity and find alternative ways to vent frustrations.