Infidelity, Separation and Reunion: Couple share their Experience

Marvin (45 years old) and Vicky (40 years old), have been married for 20 years and have 4 children. They decided to share their infidelity experience. Marvin cheated twice and a child was born from his second infidelity. This led to their separation but later on they got back together. All thanks to their collective effort in maintaining communication, and also the help of counselors.

What were your respective reactions after the infidelity?

Vicky: For me and for the children, it was a big blow. Personally, I felt a mixture of anger, distress and incomprehension: I felt that I did not know the one with whom I lived.  At first, my husband’s infidelity was an obsession: I couldn’t sleep anymore, nor could I stop thinking about it. Betrayals often challenge the lifetime foundations laid so to get off it, I clung to my work and my professional environment.

I also started a divorce procedure as it helped me to control the situation. For his part, my husband left the house. His abrupt departure was not easy for me, but in hindsight, it may have been a good thing. It was better to separate rather than stay together at the risk of cultivating an unhealthy resentment.

Little by little, I decided to take care of myself; I went on vacation and surrounded myself with good friends. Above all, I wanted to live and regain the taste of life. I was able to spend peaceful moments, especially with my children.

Marvin:  At first, I felt the shame of having lived a double life and being caught made me feel terribly shy. Although, it was a relief so I wouldn’t lie anymore.  I felt empty within and at night I went into an empty apartment. I experienced our separation as a real failure; we married for love, we made children out of love and one day, everything stops. Ooops! I felt guilty.

However, my wife and I didn’t stop communicating. Through our telephone conversations, we realized we were still in love and were able to clear off all the misunderstandings..

How did you reunite?

Marvin:  One day, my wife told me something that really touched me: “You know, I always trust you.” I thought it was the most beautiful love phrase, and it opened my eyes: I could not let her go. Gradually, a serene relationship settled; we joked on the phone, we went out together at the cafe or restaurant, and she had abandoned her divorce proceedings. I went to lunch on a Sunday at home and told the children that I would be coming back home soon. It was done naturally enough.

Vicky: As I went out and traveled during this period, I realized that it was with him that I wanted to share these moments and with no one else. The extra-marital relationship certainly destabilized everything, but basically we had a solid foundation.

Before we went back together, we consulted a psychologist because I needed to learn how to accept the child conceived from his adultery. This was an important step but when I spoke to him, he seemed not to understand so through the psychologist, I delivered my message to him. The biggest obstacle to forgiveness is  pride so we had to deal with that too.  Also, the separation made me miss him and that helped in the forgiveness process.

After the reconciliation, what have you changed in your life as a couple?

Marvin: We first decided to spend time together (at the theater, restaurant, walk, cinema, …) at least once a week and also enrolled in a religious Alpha course, which allowed us to discuss the Bible. The following year, we followed the course “She and Him”, which is a variation of the Alpha course for couples.

Vicky: The family time is very pleasant, but we created time for just the two of us. These solemn moments helped in restoring our intimacy. We also discussed our dreams and projects during those moments. We cherish our dreams so we couldn’t just let it shatter because of an infidelity.

Did the incident affect the love you feel for each other?

Marvin: For me, the incident made me realize that hurting my wife was same as hurting myself. When I left the house, I felt like I wanted to die. I had to realize that she’s like my life and I love her even more for giving me another chance

Vicky: Like a sick man who is healed this ordeal reinforced our love for each other. We had blamed ourselves for everything we did, we had quarreled and even started the divorce procedures but love brought us back. If we overcame that and if we are able to be happy today, it is because we had decided to work things out for the sake of the future.

The love we have for each other is obviously the cement that allowed this reconstruction and without which we could not have done anything.

What advice do you give to couples dealing with infidelity?

Vicky: We must know how to put aside our partner’s infidelity and overcome the negative emotions that tell us to hurt our spouse in revenge. Forgiveness is the first step as it gives room for communication and possible reconciliation.

The world we live in tend to push for separation and divorce and that is why most family and friends would advise you not to forgive and reconcile. Instead of pointing out your partner’s strength they would point out his weaknesses just to convince you to give up on your love.

Do not listen to them rather you should listen to your heart. When you are confused and communicating with your spouse seems difficult; then you might consider visiting a counselor.