Is It Your Fault Your Spouse Cheated?

The short answer is no.

No, it is not your fault your spouse cheated.

The circumstances of your relationships and whatever led up to the affair do not take responsibility away from your spouse choosing to cheat on you. Yes, your emotions are all over the place, your heart is shattered into a million pieces, and nothing but negative thoughts are clouding every waking moment in your head. You know you are married to a cheater, and in your time together, you likely never thought this would happen.

Of course, marriage is a team, a partnership, and you might want to take on some of the blame for your spouse’s infidelity. “If I had just done…” “If we…” Do not do it! Do not go there. Your responsibility, now, is to yourself. After the affair the only step you need to think about is how to recover and how to recovery healthily. What does that include, exactly?

If you want to save your marriage, you are likely in the space of assuming some of the responsibility of the affair itself, especially because you already feel partly to blame. Obviously, there was something you were lacking, right? Wrong. Despite the struggles your relationship was having, despite the change in your attitude, or whatever else your spouse says caused the affair, the actual cheating was committed by your spouse – not you. Your spouse made this decision – you did not have a say in it. More than likely, if your spouse came to you asking for permission, you would have said hell to the no and suggested working on the marriage. Cheating solves nothing.

You are more than welcome to accept responsibility for your share of the issues in the relationship, but not for the affair itself. ONE person committed the affair itself – not even two people – not even the person your spouse cheated on you with, they are not responsible – Your spouse is the only person responsible for having an affair. Before you can even begin to think about rebuilding your marriage, you need to think about rebuilding yourself. Your ego, security, and self-esteem took a huge blow. The earth-shattering degree of stress is emotionally, mentally, and physically exhausting.

Your responsibility is to allow yourself to heal through this incredibly difficult and challenging moment of your life. If you do not take time for yourself, you will not be able to help anyone else, let alone your marriage. You have your own self-doubts, self-esteem, self-respect, and love to work through. Your spouse needs to figure out his or her own, too, you cannot do it for him or her right now.

Learning of infidelity can cripple a person and bring them to their knees, literally and figuratively. Take a moment to figure out what is best for you, before you consider your relationship with your spouse, or possibly saving your marriage. Take a moment to understand and heal through the impact this betrayal has had on you, and then you can consider the impact it has had on your relationship.

Keep Growing,

Mira

IRI Relationship Writer

Popular Affair Recovery Resources & Programs

How to Survive an Affair – Over 20,000 customers have used Dr. Frank Gunzburg’s 3-step program to rebuild their relationship after an affair. Discover how this 3-phase program can show you both how to heal the wounds, pick up the pieces and “affair-proof the relationship for good.” Click here to read more.

Saving Your Marriage – Inside this powerful alternative to counseling, Dr. Gunzburg provides a 10-step program that show you and your spouse, what’s wrong and how to fix it. This self-help program is designed to help couples talk again, have fun again and “spark the intimacy.” Click here to read more.

Affair Recovery Coaching or Counseling with a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist – the infidelity recovery Institute has put together a directory of  affair recovery specialists from around the world. Click here to read more..