1. All Articles, Transparency
Is my spouse lying to me or telling me the truth?
Sep
After the affair has been revealed, you may doubt your ability to know when your spouse is telling the truth and telling a lie. Your self-esteem has been shaken to the core: you can’t believe you didn’t somehow know your spouse was deceiving you. Or, maybe you did have some inkling: your gut told you something was wrong, but you chose not to believe it. After all, you know this person, right?
Then, either you trip upon the truth or your spouse gives a full confession. And you’re left with a lot of self-doubt about your ability to detect a lie—even from someone you know and love so well.
Also, when you get married, you have made a commitment to build your relationship on a foundation of trust. How could you ever guess that your spouse would break that commitment, that your spouse would ever be capable of anything more than complete honesty?
You may have been deceived, but you are not at fault. You are a victim of your spouse’s actions. In good faith, you believed your husband or wife when they told you they were working late, or that call was just one of your spouse’s “buddies.”
Unfortunately, having your faith broken by someone you have so trusted is damaging, and you’re left trying to rebuild trust in yourself that you will know in the future when you are being lied to. It can color your interactions with other people for a long time, where you can become consumed by seeds of doubt that what people say to you is actually honest.
While you may understand all of this to be true, you still want to know how to protect yourself from having it happen to you ever again so you can avoid feeling this level of pain. You want to trust your spouse once again, but you can’t help but want some form of guarantee.
Critical Dimensions to Rebuilding Trust
There are no guarantees that your spouse is not currently lying, or that they’ll never lie again. This doesn’t mean you can never trust your spouse again. What it does mean is that the process of rebuilding trust in your marriage will take some time, and the following critical dimensions must be present in order to rebuild that trust:
Critical Dimension #1: Commitment to Transparency
Your spouse may be impatient: “Why can’t you just get over it and trust what I’m saying is true now?” If it were only so easy.
Your spouse needs to conduct themselves like someone who is trust-worthy. This means a commitment to transparency—something that was no doubt missing in the relationship before. You, as the victim, need to see that your cheating spouse is making the effort to be open and transparent about their actions.
You can get a better gauge of honesty when there are consistent behavioral patterns that allow you to rebuild that trust in your spouse’s word. Transparency between spouses is a strong means of gauging honesty and building the foundation of trust once again.
Dr. Savannah Ellis talks about creating transparency during affair recovery
Video: 3 minutes
Critical Dimension #2: Mistrust Triggers Defined and Eradicated
As a couple, define what triggers feelings of mistrust. The victim of the affair needs to give their spouse concrete examples of what makes them feel they’re being lied to. For example:
“When you are late getting home, but you don’t call to let me know you’re running late. It leaves me to wonder what is going on.”
“When you leave the room to take phone calls on your cell phone.”
“There are a lot of times on the weekends when I see you texting on your cell phone, but you never say who you’re conversing by text with.”
The cheating spouse must also examine their conduct in the past, and own up to what they did. All of us with a conscience know when we’re being less than truthful. Define the triggers, and remove them.
Rebuilding honesty in a marriage is a growth process. It involves changing the way each spouse conducts themselves, and their ability to communicate with their partner.
My best to you as you rebuild the trust and honesty in your marriage, and survive the affair.
Dr. Savannah Ellis
DBA, MBA, MPsych (Clin)
www.facebook.com/Infidelitycoach
Questions to consider:
If you are the victim of the affair, has your spouse made an effort to be more transparent? What are they doing differently?
If you cheated on your spouse, what are you doing differently to become more transparent? Also, examine your behavior during the time of the affair and prior: what did you do to keep the affair secret?
What are the mistrust triggers in your marriage?
Please share your thoughts by leaving a comment below.
Helpful Resources
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Break Free From the Affair
Best selling ebook on infidelity. Learn how to diagnose an affair and plan a specific strategy that offers the best hope of influencing the direction of the affair. Click here for more information.
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Save Your Marriage Ebook
Learn how to control your feelings, calm yourself and move through a marriage crisis with confidence and effectiveness. This ebook works even. Click here for more information.
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One on One Personal Coaching
Yes, you can talk about it. Ask your burning questions. Accelerate your healing process. Find the best words and phrases to stop the marital crisis. Get the affirmation that empowers. Click here for more information.
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