Lying

 Cheating and lying go hand in hand.

Lying involves willfully generating information that is counter to the actual truth in an attempt to deceive another person

• It’s an Exit Affair –. Some cheaters are too concerned/stressed/guilty to end a committed relationship or ask for a divorce – for a variety of reasons. So they have an affair in order to force the issue and bring things to a close. You may never get the truth as they have years of emotions and resentment to work through, before they can admit – that they have been unhappy for along time (and perhaps never wanted to get married in the first place.)
• Embarrassment – the cheater may be too embarrassed at having been discovered to talk about the affair.
• Guilt – the cheater may be so consumed with guilt that he can’t bring himself to discuss the affair.
• Fear of Your Reaction – the cheater may be afraid that you will rant and rave, throw things, or become violent. He may be afraid that if he admits to having the affair you will leave or put him out.
• Concern for Your Feelings – the cheater may be filled with remorse for having hurt you, and afraid that revealing additional facts about the affair will cause you more pain.
• Inability to Express Himself – the cheater may not know how to verbalize his behavior, how to put his thoughts into words, or how to tactfully describe what he has done. He may not even know why he had the affair.
• Fear You Won’t Forgive Him – the cheater may feel that his behavior was so despicable that you’ll never be able to forgive him for what he did. He may feel that discussing the matter is a lost cause.
• Fear that You’ll Use What He Says Against Him – the cheater may be afraid that you’ll use what he says against in a court of law, bring it up in every other conversation from now on, or use it to manipulate him in some way.
• Assuming Talking Won’t Help – the cheater may feel that he’s already a condemned man — that you’ve already made up your mind to leave him, and that there’s nothing he can say to make you change your mind

What is a lie?

Lying also impacts the ability to accurately store and retrieve memories. In many affair types, the cheating spouse will create “false memories,” to help ease the guilt and shame around cheating on their spouse.

 A false memory is a fabricated or distorted recollection of an event that did not actually happen. People often think of memory as something like a video recorder, accurately documenting and storing everything that happens with perfect accuracy and clarity. In reality, memory is very prone to fallacy.

Research has demonstrated that lying about an event interferes with one’s later recall of that event. After an individual has lied they are unable to accurately recall the concealed truth. When we lie to ourselves, we actually start to believe the lie, and soon it is difficult to recall the actual truth from the lie.

In affair recovery, this inability to recall what was previously talked about can prove to be a painful experience for the betrayed spouse, who obsesses over the affair details continuously. Therefore it is important to work with a qualified 3rd party, to discuss the affair story in the detail level needed for all people to be able to move forward.

Lying also can indicate personality traits that can have terrible effects on the spouse, and other family members. Controlling Behavior runs the gamut in wounded personalities of people that have low self-esteem, fear based thoughts. When these fears are left unchecked, this need to control others may progress into narcissistic and Psychopathic behaviors. One important point to understand about controlling behavior is that it will always lead to some form of psychological or Emotional Manipulation which promotes deception and lying.

The need to assert Control over others leads to Manipulation. The Manipulation of others leads to varying degrees of Deception and Lying.

Control + Manipulation = Deception/Lying.

Blame it on your brain

The tendency to compulsively lie may be attributed to the structure of your brain. A recent study conducted at the University of Southern California (USC) shows that if you have a history of lying, your brain might actually be structured differently than that of a person who is generally honest.

White matter in the prefrontal cortex (the front part of your brain) is responsible for masterminding a lie, which includes weighing how the other party will respond and suppressing your own emotions to limit or eliminate the appearance of nervousness.

Gray matter is the substance that curbs the impulse to lie to make things easier and holds people to their principles.

In the USC study, compulsive liars showed a higher percentage of white matter and a deficit of gray matter.