Cheating, Same Sex Affairs

Married Straight Men who have Sex with Other Men

Posted on by IRI
17
Oct

First things first. The Infidelity Recovery Institute began as an educational resource for therapists and coaches to help individuals and couples move through relationship betrayal. Regardless of the social and political climate, cheating in a monogamous relationship is destructive to the betrayed partner. In the spirit of education and opening discussion, we explore this sensitive topic and offer advice to those who have been cheated on by their spouse.

Identifying as Straight

Not all are closeted gay or bisexual men. Nor are they all just experimenting. In fact, hundreds of thousands of straight-identified men—at least— have had sex with other men. And, contrary to stereotypes, married men of all races/ethnicities have approximately equal likelihood to identify as straight and have sex with other men.

Héctor Carrillo  and Amanda Hoffman interviewed straight-identified men, and found the majority of the men reported that they were primarily attracted to women, not men. These interviews show that sexuality is multidimensional and that attractions, behaviors, and identities do not always align. Sexual identities may describe how individuals perceive themselves, but they do not always indicate a person’s attractions or sexual behaviors.

Carrillo & Hoffman found, “Most of the men interviewed identified as straight because they felt that this identity best reflected their understandings of themselves as masculine, their romantic relationships with women, or their integration in straight communities. Most did not want to identify as gay or bisexual. Additionally, many men explained that their marital sex lives were not as active as they wanted. Sex with men allowed them to have more sex, but in a way that they felt was not as threatening to their partnerships as extramarital sex with women.”

While this provides some insight into the mindset of men, cheating with other men, it would be interesting to interview married men and their wives, and see if the wives found the husband’s sex life as non-threatening to their relationship!

Sexless Marriage with the Wife

Carrillo & Hoffman interviewed married men without their wives present and reported, “Some men married to women but no longer had sex with their wives, or had it infrequently, felt that sex with men was not cheating or was less threatening to their marriage than extramarital sex with women.
As fifty-seven-year-old Adam from Wisconsin said, “My wife really doesn’t necessarily enjoy sex, and I don’t feel like I want to take up an affair or relationship with another woman. I don’t feel right about that, so my sexual experience with other men is basically out of need to have some personal gratification.” Adam explained that sex with men is “not cheating,” because “men are a lot less complicated and it’s just easier, it’s like, it’s sex but there’s no attachment. I don’t think women can do that.” Men like Adam felt that sex with women would be cheating, but sex with men was not—or was at least less of a threat to their relationship.
Although it may seem as though men who turn to extramarital sex are dissatisfied with their marriages, the reality is more complicated. Research has shown that many men and women have extramarital sex because they consider their marital sex lives unsatisfying and feel that extramarital sex will ensure they continue to have sex, but without harming their partnership.
Men Carrillo & Hoffman interviewed described this as well. Their biggest complaint was that they did not have as much sex as they would have liked. Travis, a fifty-nine-year-old man in South Dakota, was frustrated that his wife was no longer interested in sex, but also explained, “I’ve got friends that say why in the hell do you stay married to her. Well, I guess it’s because I love her, and other than the fact that we don’t have a sexual relationship we do have a good relationship.”
As for why men would turn to other men rather than women for extramarital sex, Carrillo & Hoffman believed that women and men are complementary emotionally, but not sexually. They thought that women may become too emotionally attached after a hookup, whereas men would not.  As Ian, a forty-two-year-old man from Idaho, said, “Whereas men are able to more easily separate a sexual encounter from feelings or emotions, they can categorize that, yeah, this is just to get together for sexual release because, they’re needing [it]. [Guys] can be more readily available. If you’re looking for a hookup off Craigslist for example, you’re much more likely to be able to do that with another man…. so part of it is effort and availability.”
Maybe only a few times I’ve ever mentioned this; I can’t exactly in a politically correct world. I think there’s a definite disconnect between gay and homosexual. There’s the homosexual community, which isn’t a community, there’s the homosexual proclivity, and then the gay community. It’s like you can be an athlete without being a jock. And you can be homosexual without being gay, or into all of it. It just becomes so politically charged now.
My husband cheated on me with a man. Now what?

FaceBook Affair Group Member Requests Advice

Most people find it difficult to ask for support when it comes to the area of exposing their partner for being gay or bisexual. When giving advice to somebody who is facing such a dilemma, it is easy to be judgmental, however, there are multiple considerations and complexities in any marriage. Also, as we are more open as a society, people may have a history of identifying as either sex, or even as nonbinary.

Recently, a client (we will call CINDY) wrote in with the following situation, asking for advice. What would you advise Cindy?

My husband of 5 years cheated on me with a man. They were friends since 4th grade & according to my husband around 21 this friend forced himself on him when they were drunk one time. Started small. They would watch porn & he didn’t like it he claimed but he didn’t know how to stop it from happening. They eventually had sex, but never kissed. This is what my husband says. It would happen here & there. Happened when we were dating, engaged, and a few times during our marriage. We’ve been together a total of 7 years. Btw we are both 40 now for context.
We now have a 1 year old. I found out about everything when I was 8 weeks pregnant. We were having trouble conceiving & I had to track a lot & ended up taking pills to help ovulate.
We did a little counseling & I sorda got through it with the help of our church prior to our baby’s birth.
I am now questioning because it is a nonstop battle with him. It hasn’t been good. We are not intimate.
I also never really forgave him. To me, the story doesn’t add up. Okay, so according to him it was sexual abuse… but why keep hanging? Why do it? You are a grown man.
I’ve lost respect. I feel disgusted. He says he is not gay. I don’t understand how he could do all that, willingly, for so long, and not me. At the same time, I love having our family. I love how much our baby loves him. We’ve built a great life together. I don’t know how I would do this without him. I have been blessed to be able to stay home with the baby. I don’t want to have to work. I love staying home and raising her. I don’t want to lose all of this. I never wanted to be a single mom or to coparent.
On top of all of this, I am actually questionging my own sexuality. I’ve had feelings, but always suppressed them. I also find myself not attracted to my husband. Especially now because I feel like he’s not a good guy anymore. That’s a big turn on for me…human decency, loyalty, and a good man/husband/father. Am I spiraling?
I am getting my mental health together before I make any decisions. In therapy and getting my medicine figured out.
I told him he needs to do the same. He’s told me about how he has abandonment issues from his parent’s divorce & his Dad not being a big part of his life. He hates confrontation. He felt wanted by this guy & we were distant. I am in eating disorder recovery & I had been working out insanely & he didn’t feel connected.
You may be wondering HOW to advise Cindy considering the complexities of her past and present situation. People’s actions can’t be generalized, and individual motivations vary widely. It’s important to remember that each person’s situation is unique, and there isn’t a single explanation for this behavior.
Cindy will need her own therapist to work through her current emotional state. I suggest she should discuss a plan for a future for herself and for her child, with and without the husband. Next, Cindy and her husband should begin marriage counseling so both individuals can explore their actions and feelings.

Other questions asked on this subject matter

How should I address my husband when I just found out he has been busted looking at men on grindr?

Grindr is a location-based social networking and online dating application for gay, bi, trans, and queer people. It was one of the first geosocial apps for gay men when it launched in March 2009 and has since become the world’s largest and most popular gay mobile app. It is found at least 20% of the users are married.

Open and honest communication is key in such situations. Approach your husband calmly and express your feelings and concerns. Use “I” statements to avoid sounding accusatory, such as “I feel hurt and betrayed because I discovered you on dating apps.” Listen to his perspective as well, and try to understand his motivations.

Can I save my marriage if my husband is gay or has gay tendencies?

Whether a marriage can be saved depends on the individuals involved, their willingness to work through challenges, and their level of commitment to the relationship. It’s important to have open and honest conversations with your husband about his sexual orientation and your feelings. Couples therapy can provide a safe space to explore these issues and help both partners understand each other better. Some couples find ways to navigate these challenges and maintain a strong relationship, while others may choose to separate amicably if the relationship is no longer fulfilling for both parties.

Ultimately, the decision to save the marriage or part ways is a deeply personal one that should be made with careful consideration and respect for each other’s feelings.

Can a gay man be married to a woman?

Yes, a gay man can be married to a woman, if the woman determines she does not desire sex from her husband, and she can live feeling loved and respected.

In many cultures and societies, individuals may enter into marriages due to social, cultural, or familial expectations, even if their sexual orientation is not heterosexual. However, it’s important to note that such marriages can be complex and challenging. Both partners may face emotional struggles, and the lack of romantic and sexual compatibility can create difficulties in the relationship.

Some couples choose to navigate these challenges through open communication, understanding, and sometimes seeking therapy. Others may eventually decide to separate or divorce if the marriage becomes untenable. Every individual and relationship is unique, so the outcomes and decisions can vary widely.

References:
  • Carrillo Héctor, Hoffman Amanda. 2018. “‘Straight with a Pinch of Bi’: The Construction of Heterosexuality as an Elastic Category among Adult US Men.” Sexualities 21 (1-2): 90 108. https://doi.org/10.1177/1363460716678561.
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