My Journey Towards Forgiveness

Winston Churchill once said, “I do not ask how the wounded person feels. I simply become that wounded person.”

Far too often, our society loses touch of this basic principle of empathy. And I am no exception. In fact, I have been quite the opposite for the past several months, writhing in pain from discovering my husband’s infidelities. The anguish continued until I had a dream one night. The dream went something like this:

I was on a plane and suddenly there was turbulence. I gripped my mother’s hand tighter as the airplane vibrated up and down. Sensing I was afraid, she turned to me ever so calmly. “What do we have to do before we pour orange juice?” she asked. “Well? We shake the box. If we don’t shake the box, we end up with lumps. So when life shakes you up, it’s only making you smoother. It builds character. It’s a blessing.”

I woke up from that dream and gazed at my empty bed. I went to the bathroom and took a look in the mirror. With anger, I said to myself, “You’re letting life shake you up? Seriously? You’re a big girl now – you can handle this. This will make you stronger.”

Today, in sound mind and committed to saving my marriage, I see the importance of understanding the subjective realities of each person in the relationship, and the healing powers of the vicarious experience of the other’s feelings and reasoning. The following attempts to summarize my steps to towards forgiveness:

1. Empathy: You must sympathetically identify with the core causes and grievances of your partner in order to truly reach the point of forgiveness. It is one of the most selfless things you will ever do!
2. Trust: An indispensable element in my healing process. We had to first convey respect for each other and rebuild a stronger foundation of trust
3. Expectations: YOU ARE GOOD ENOUGH. I had to learn that the cause it was not a failure on my part, but a misalignment of expectations in our relationship. Guilt and resentment wither away once disappointment is no longer in the picture

Once I was able to empathize, rebuild trust, and realign expectations, I was able to reach the point of forgiveness, leading to a curative, restorative success. It is true that the smallest act of caring has the potential to turn a relationship around. And if it doesn’t turn around, then you move on and focus on finding a better one. But don’t run away from conflict. Always be ready for a little turbulence. After all, your orange juice can only get smoother.