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Narcissistic personality traits in men
Aug
When a woman finds herself in the middle or the end of a relationship with a narcissistic man, she can’t but help wonder “How did I end up with this man!”
The key to a quick recovery, is not to beat yourself up over what happened, rather to understand what attracted you to this man in the first place. You may even find that you are attracting the same type of man into your life time and again.
By identifying with the narcissistic personality traits listed below, you will be able to avoid falling into the same situation relationship in the future.
The narcissistic man
DESCRIPTION
The narcissist starts out loving and charming but in time begins to break down your confidence, separates you from your friends, and family, and becomes emotionally or physically abusive. They want their victim to be willing to endure their abuse and to label this willingness “love.”
They are extremely possessive, jealous, and controlling and will go to any lengths to prevent you from ending the relationship. They will blame you for all of this behaviour.
LIKES
Himself (to the point of obsession). Willing obedience. Apologies. Fear and control.
DISLIKES
Being challenged or corrected. Your independent thought. Your girl friends.
IDENTIFYING CHARACTERISTICS
- Draws you in with a vibrant personality – may sing, tell stories or jokes, or otherwise make you laugh.
- May surprise you with sudden defensiveness or aggressive outbursts.
- Will passionately insist that he is making a special effort for you over basic interactions, e.g. calling you, coming round for a visit, texting you back.
If the words “headfuck” and “crazymaking” come to mind, you are probably dealing with a Narcissist Abuser. He wants to drive you “crazy” to replace your understanding of reality with his, in which he is the centre, so that he may continue his abuse.
SPECIAL SKILLS
Mind control & Altering reality – The Narcissist Abuser has the ability to radically change your understanding of the circumstances or an argument. For example, he will be abusive to you and reframe the situation so he is the victim. He will often alternate between abusive language, vicious attacks on you and your personality, disorienting and confusing you, and replacing your thoughts with the false realities he has constructed. His aim with this tactic is to mould you into a submissive and fearful but still loving and affectionate object of his control.
Getting you to love them / stay with them / go back to them – The Narcissist knows how to convince you that he loves you, but make no mistake – everything he does/says is for the benefit of his own massive ego. He will break down your confidence so that you feel you deserve no better than how he is treating you. As he is likely to become violent towards you, you are in danger when around him.
COMMON PHRASES
A. No one understands me / I feel my life’s got a special purpose (or other phrases that convey that they think of themselves as unique, misunderstood, and that the problems in their lives arise from others and not them)
B. Look how I came to see you / Look how I called you / texted you back (or other phrases that make small basic gestures seem like he’s gone out of his way for you when he hasn’t)
C. Why do you always make me so angry? / I wish you didn’t make me so upset /make me get me like this /You always… (and then blames you for his anger management issues)
D. I want to get better/ You can make me a better person (It’s not your responsibility to stay in relationships with abusive men. You can’t make them better, only they can make that change.)
I have written a lot of content on this website to help you understand about narcissistic personality disorder, narcissism, and the concept narcissists use called “gaslighting.” It has been my experience, as I help couples move forward from infidelity, that narcissism and narcissistic personality disorder, effects the betrayed spouse psychologically, and for life (unless effective counseling is sort). The narcissist will always be able to move forward and find another relationship without feeling guilt or remorse for the ending of the previous relationship.
So don’t waste your time crying over the old relationship with the narcissistic spouse. The only revenge you can have is to move on and have a fabulous life. Be grateful of the lessons you have learnt along the way, but have the knowledge never to go down that path again.
get a great lawyer and say nothing to hubby…he probably already has a lawyer….. get what is legally and rightfully yours, grow well in your new future. show your kids real self esteem. it hurts but you have the strength
My husband Steve and I have been married for 30 years. 3 years ago we met a couple at a bowling alley and became good friends. 2 years into the friendship with Dawn and Mike, Mike stopped coming around, Dawn made excuses for his absence and my husband and I continued our friendship with Dawn. At about this time I noticed a radical change in the dynamics of our marital relationship, Steve started becoming very critical of everything I did (suddenly everything about me was wrong) He began working out every night. And the man i had called my raggety man suddenly began dressing up. When I asked why the sudden change he dismissed it and said Im just trying to get healthy. Then he got a Trac Phone. He had refused to get a phone for years insisting he did not now or ever want a cell phone. I felt uneasy about all the changes so sudden but I trusted him. After a month of these new behaviors something happened that would change our lives forever. Steve went in to take a shower and I came around the corner just in time to see him hiding his cell phone under the mattress, I knew we were in trouble! Long story short eventually I got hold of his phone ( he left it home by accident) and got into his call history for the past 30 days and to my suprise the man who had never liked talking on the phone was now talking everyday, several times a day with our friend Dawn. That night I brought it to Steves attention that I looked on his phone and my discovery concerned me and what was going on. He suprised me by becoming not just angry but furious that I looked on his phone. Then for the next eighteen months we had constant arguments about his ongoing everyday (we are just friends) conversations with Dawn (BTW she never spoke to me again in those 18 months.) They were becoming closer as we were becoming more distant. I began counseling he would not join me, during this time, the man that had always been tender and caring was cruel and cold and basically told me I was a nut job. Eventually I gave him an ultimatum her or me, not both he said he chose me, but he thought it wasnt fair that he had to give up a good friend because I didnt trust him (manipulation at its finest) I would later find the second phone hidden at his shop with only Dawn in the contacts.Again he was furious that I snooped. Not apologetic at all for his lies and premeditated deception. I would catch him in lies constantly. Somehow he would always twist it around and make it seem like I was being crazy. I didnt tell you the truth because I new you would blow it out of proportion. He was simply not going to end things with his “just friend” The last deception was 2 weeks ago when he said he was going to return some things Dawn had left at his shop. He said he would just leave the stuff in her yard while she was at work. Days later he filled up the truck with her stuff and headed, what he didnt know is that I was following him. He hunted her down at her work (self employed) and spent an hour laughing and flirting and wrestling around with her. I asked him later that day, did you bring Dawns stuff to her today? He said yes I dumped it in her front yard like I said I would. I said I followed you and that is a lie. Again instead of feeling guilty or sorry for the bold face lie he had just told me, he was furious that I was watching him and not the least bit apologetic. He has no problem lying to me, and makes no excuses for his behavior. He says he does not want out of our relationship but continues after 2 years to still make excuses to see her or talk to her. Am i a fool, should I give up on this relationship? I know he has become a master manipulator and he absolutely refuses to talk to me about any of it, saying I wont “just let it go” more manipulation as he “wont let her go” what do I do? Our children and family dont even know whats going on, Im lost and need help
Hopefully you left. I mean this with love, but you were being naive. Your husband was definitely sleeping with Dawn all of the signs are there and you typed them all out plain as day. I am sorry this happened to you. Letting it go is not even the beggining of it. And having kids is not a reason to stick around and be cheated on, manipulated and gaslit by a man who is obviously doing you shady. Dawn also needs to be addressed. She is scandalous as hell.