Moving Forward, Personal Healing, Readers Stories, Relationship Abuse
Navigating Domestic Violence and Infidelity: A Survivor’s Guide to Safety and Healing
Jul
Today, in the IRI Facebook Support Group, a member reached out to share a story of both bravery, where she had moved into her own space to free herself from domestic abuse, but it also shows how difficult it is to leave a domestically violent relationship when your security is on the line. Security meaning your sense of being able to provide for yourself independently. She also asked for advice on what she should do next.
Are we provide our advice, however, if you have been through this situation, we would love to hear your story or your advice for this woman. Or if you know any other tips that could be helpful, feel free to share below.
“Domestic violence is extremely hard. . I haven’t told any one about this but you guys . It was really bad. Ive got hit a few times. it use to just be emotional abuse , but it’s now physical and mental.
My husband has really destroyed my mental health. It was 7 years of nothing but getting made fun of, laughed at, unfaithful, picking on me etc. I have been trying to leave for a while now. I ended up getting my own little apartment on Monday after getting smacked. . I put my last dime into this apartment. He has a car, but it is in his name. he would never let me put stuff in my name. he would control me and made sure he dropped me off at work . Watched me walk in , and would drive away. he would pick me up after work and walk into the store to make sure I wasnt around any “males” . he would walk me to the car , and than we drive home. I got promoted two weeks ago, and I am now the assistant manager. he would try to get me to quit my job because he didnt like me succeeding. I am not like that . I am a very hard worker and love my job.
As I sit here in my new apartment, I get a text message from him. he will no longer be driving me to work because I left. I desperately need a couple weeks bus pass until I am paid again, so he said If I come home , he will make sure I get to work and back and even let me work overtime ( he wouldnt let me work overtime when i was home ) I just feel like hea bribing me to just got me home .
I need this job , but i am tired of the abu$e. he has got so much worse .
Should I go back home and just take this abu$e so I know I have a ride there and back until I get back on my feet and can leave? I don’t understand why he controls me so much. Everytime I get paid, he tells me how to spend it. i have also dealt with financial abuse with him As I sit here just looking around, I sure hope i made the right decision here. i would always have to walk in public with him with my head down, or we would have to leave immediately wherever we are at. it is no life to live .
The cheating was so out of hand as well. i just can’t think right”
IRI Professional Opinion
First and foremost, if you’re the person who shared this story—or anyone in a similar situation—know that you’re incredibly brave for reaching out and taking that first step by securing your own apartment. Leaving an abusive relationship, especially one laced with emotional, physical, mental, financial abuse, and infidelity, is one of the hardest things anyone can do. Your husband’s behavior—controlling your movements, finances, job opportunities, and even how you walk in public—sounds like a classic pattern of coercive control, designed to erode your independence and self-worth. The cheating adds another layer of betrayal, shattering trust and amplifying the mental health toll. You’ve already broken free physically; now, let’s focus on staying safe and rebuilding emotionally.
In this article, I’ll provide tailored advice based on your specific circumstances, drawing from professional insights in domestic violence recovery and infidelity counseling.
I’ll also include generalized tips for our wider audience at the Infidelity Recovery Institute, where we often see abuse intertwined with cheating.
Remember, while infidelity can be a symptom of deeper issues like control, the priority here is your safety. If you’re in immediate danger, call emergency services (911 in the US) right away.
Specific Advice for Your Situation: Prioritizing Safety and Stability
Your decision to leave after being physically assaulted was absolutely the right one—returning could escalate the danger, as abusers often intensify control when they sense loss of power. That text message offering rides and overtime? It’s a textbook manipulation tactic, often called “hoovering” in abuse recovery circles, where the abuser dangles practical help to lure you back. Don’t fall for it; this is about regaining dominance, not genuine support. You’ve invested your last dime in independence—honor that by staying put and seeking alternatives.
- Transportation Solutions: Since the car is in his name and he’s using it as leverage, explore immediate options to get to work without relying on him. Contact local domestic violence organizations for emergency transportation assistance. For example:
- Families to Freedom offers free, long-distance rides for survivors to reunite with family or reach safety, which could extend to work commutes in a pinch. In the meantime, check with your employer about flexible scheduling, carpooling with trusted colleagues, or even short-term remote work if possible. Public transit or rideshare apps like Uber/Lyft might bridge the gap—some apps have partnerships with shelters for discounted rides.
- If you’re in a US state with robust DV programs (e.g., Michigan, California), state agencies like those in Texas or Illinois provide advocacy for practical needs like bus passes.
- Call the National Domestic Violence Hotline (1-800-799-7233 or text “START” to 88788) right away—they offer 24/7 confidential support and can connect you to local resources for financial aid, including emergency funds for bus passes or gas cards.
- Protect Your Job and Finances: Congratulations on your promotion to assistant manager—that’s a testament to your hard work and resilience! Document any threats or interference from him (e.g., trying to make you quit) in case you need it for a restraining order. To address the financial abuse, start building independence: Open a separate bank account if you haven’t already, and direct your paychecks there.
- Organizations like the National Coalition Against Domestic Violence (NCADV) provide tools for financial recovery, including budgeting guides and links to credit counseling. If he controls joint finances, a hotline advocate can help you navigate legal steps to access what’s yours.
- Mental Health and Safety Planning: The 7 years of ridicule, infidelity, and now physical violence have understandably clouded your thinking—abuse rewires the brain, making decisions feel overwhelming. Block his number to prevent further manipulation, and create a safety plan: Identify a trusted friend or family member (even if you haven’t shared yet) to confide in for emotional support.
- Seek therapy through low-cost options like those from the Salvation Army’s domestic violence programs, which include counseling and shelters. If you’re feeling tempted to return, remind yourself: The abuse has worsened over time, and going back could put your life at risk. Focus on small wins, like enjoying your new apartment without fear.
- Legal Steps: Consider a protective order to legally bar him from contact or your workplace. Hotlines can refer you to free legal aid, and in many states, DV programs cover court fees.
Stay strong—you’ve already succeeded in leaving. Reach out to the hotline today; they can tailor a plan just for you.
General Tips for Survivors of Abuse and Infidelity: Building a Path to Recovery
For our broader community at the Infidelity Recovery Institute, where infidelity often overlaps with abusive dynamics, here are actionable insights to recognize, escape, and heal from similar cycles. Abuse isn’t just physical—emotional, financial, and sexual infidelity can be equally damaging, eroding self-esteem and trapping victims in isolation.
- Recognize the Red Flags: Control disguised as “care” (e.g., monitoring your whereabouts, dictating spending, or sabotaging success) is a hallmark of abuse. Infidelity compounds this by creating gaslighting (“You’re crazy for suspecting”) and dependency. If your partner mocks you, cheats repeatedly, or escalates to violence, it’s not love—it’s power imbalance. Track patterns in a safe journal to gain clarity.
- Safe Exit Strategies: Leaving is the most dangerous time, so plan discreetly. Save money in a hidden account, gather important documents (ID, birth certificate), and have an emergency bag ready. Use apps like Noonlight for quick alerts to authorities.
- For transportation woes, leverage community resources—many DV shelters offer shuttle services or partnerships with ride-sharing for work commutes.
- Rebuild Financial and Emotional Independence: Financial abuse leaves survivors vulnerable, so prioritize rebuilding credit and skills.
- Programs like those from NCADV or state family violence initiatives offer workshops on budgeting and job support.
- For mental health, therapy focused on trauma (e.g., EMDR for abuse flashbacks) and infidelity recovery groups can help process the betrayal. Practice self-compassion: Affirmations like “I deserve safety and respect” counter years of belittling.
- Support Networks and Healing: Tell someone you trust—breaking the silence reduces shame.
- Join online forums or local groups through organizations like Resilience (for military-affiliated, but adaptable) or general DV hotlines. Healing from infidelity in abusive contexts involves grieving the relationship while celebrating your strength.
- Focus on hobbies, career growth (like your promotion!), and new social circles to rediscover joy.
- Preventing Future Cycles: Once safe, reflect on boundaries: Healthy partners celebrate your success, not sabotage it. Therapy can help identify “green flags” for future relationships.
Key Resources for Immediate Help
- National Domestic Violence Hotline: 1-800-799-7233 (SAFE) or thehotline.org—24/7 chat/text for safety planning, including financial and transportation aid.
- NCADV: ncadv.org—for advocacy, financial recovery tools, and policy info.
- Families to Freedom: familiestofreedom.org—Free transportation for survivors.
- State-Specific: Search for your area’s DV program (e.g., Utah’s DCFS or Massachusetts county lists) for localized shelters and aid.
You’re not alone, and recovery is possible. At the Infidelity Recovery Institute, we believe in empowering survivors to reclaim their lives. If this resonates, share your thoughts in the comments or contact us for more personalized guidance.
Stay safe and strong,
