Nine Keys to Living Well after a Separation

“We were so much in love and he was all I ever wanted. He was the best thing that ever happened to me. Unfortunately, I woke up one morning to realize that he’s gone. Yes! Gone so far away. I tried my best to make him stay but the more I tried, the more I failed. How I wish I could turn back the hands of time, I probably would have made his love for me to be everlasting”

Those were the statements of Agnes. As I listened to her, I could hear the voices of thousands of individuals who had to go through a divorce.  The heartbreak, denial, loneliness, regret, guilt, etc…

A separation often plunges one into a state of shock.  It is easier to deny what is happening and hope for reconciliation but what if your ex-spouse is rolling on a different plane? What do you do when you are forced to accept that the love that united you as a couple has worn out leaving hatred and bitterness? To accept separation is to fight against those thoughts that make you hope.

In the face of difficult and painful situations, there are often two available options.

1. Wait for the time it would all be over.
2. Act, to improve or resolve the situation, according to your wishes and needs.

Apparently the first one is the easiest. If we are already suffering so much in the relationship, why should we try harder to make it work? But thinking like that, we do not get where we want. We get to where life or others take us. It is true that action requires effort.  But it is the only way to increase confidence in ourselves and get what we want.

The following tips would be of great help after you have gone through a divorce.

Accept that it happened:

Recognize that regardless of whether you wanted the divorce or not, you are already into it. Yes! It happened and what matters now is moving on without looking back.  You will be faced with different negative emotions but don’t let those emotions get the best of you.

Give yourself permission to feel any emotions that arise:

Do not deny it, do not criticize yourself for it, instead, express it properly. That is; in the right place, moment, with a person and in the appropriate form.  Writing in your personal dairy would also help.

In fact, through recognizing, accepting, expressing and working on your emotions, you can achieve a good recovery that frees you from the past and allows you to live and enjoy the future.  Remember that emotions, however intense, are only part of you. They cannot control you, unless you allow it.

Give yourself some time to recover:

To recover well from a divorce we need, approximately, between 18 months and 3 or 4 years. Do not force yourself nor let the pain and regret keep you trapped in the same place for a long time.

Progress can be slow but constant. No matter the size of the steps you take, especially in the beginning, as long as you keep moving towards the right goal, you’d recover.

Be happy and positive:

Every morning when you wake up and at night before going to sleep, recognize something positive in your life.  It is a good thing that you and your kids are healthy and alive.  Be happy for the great things life has given you. For example; your job, relatives, family, friends etc…

There are always positive things in our life. There is this saying: “I complained of having no shoes until I discovered those who didn’t have feet”.

If you need to make changes, do them little by little:

Memory often fails due to tension and anguish so make a list of things you need to change; phone numbers, important accounts, house address etc. Find how to make your life easier. When you feel bad, give yourself a few minutes. Be patient while you’re making changes on those areas that actually glued you to your ex.

Lean on your family and friends, but choose carefully:

Negative friends should be avoided in this period. Lean on those who are willing to listen to you, respect your emotions and support you. Do not live alone in these difficult moments.  Associate with people and never let a false pride keep you away from the people who are important to you.  Being alone at certain times is desirable and positive, but isolating yourself is not.

Do not start a new relationship immediately:

Rushing into a new relationship might be another mistake especially when you are yet to figure out what made the last relationship fail. It could be your attitude and if those attitudes aren’t worked on before kick starting a new relationship then you might be repeating same mistake.  Give yourself some time before you fall in love again.

Get busy with work:

Being idle creates the opportunity for random thoughts to torment you so avoid idle moments. Instead of wasting your time doing nothing, get busy with work, create new goals and be focused on achieving them.

Go for counseling:

A counselor can assist you in making the burden easier for you. You can share your feelings and get good advice on what is best for you at that moment. You can get counseling from online experts, TV programs and through reading of good books.

There is no situation that you can’t get over. There are many people who have gone through same or worst situation than yours. Since they were able to come out stronger and better, you would also share your success story at the end of the day.