Overcoming Your Biggest Fear

Today I wanted to talk about what you fear.

Fear of growing old.
Fear of falling out of love.
Fear of them falling out of love with you.
Fear of not knowing how to fix it.

When you meet your fear, it can cause you to do strange things.

It can push your loved one even further away.

If you can feel the love slipping out of your marriage, what
do you do?

What role do you play in saving your marriage?

It’s a situation faced by lots of people, which is why I wanted
to share a recent email from a customer, and my reply.

Sometimes in our haste to focus on making it right, we stifle
the very growth that is crucial to a healthy relationship.

Hi there, I hope you can help.

I have been married for 19yrs and have been together since I was
18 and she was 15. We have 2 sons, one approaching 16 the other 13yrs.
For a while now we have you could say we have been arguing with each
other probably no more than the average couple and I take it as the
norm.

But my wife went off last Sunday for a couple of days after she said
we need to talk, She said she was unhappy and needed space away from
me. I believe the main reason was she said I was smothering her and
she felt tight-chested when she or I returned home.

I do realize I do that now, if she works from home I hover round her
like a lost soul. Four months ago I changed my shift pattern so now
I am home every evening and weekend. I hadn’t taken in the fact that
for 12yrs she had girly time on an evening whilst I was at work and
now I will admit I want to spend every minute with her.

Now with the help from your book I can alter that. She came home Tues
evening and we talked but soon were in tears and she needed to get
away again.

When she is away she is with work colleagues or customers and they are men.
For a while I have had awful thoughts when she is away but trusted her
even though the men at work would say nudge nudge wink wink when I said
she was away.

I have always said its the men I don’t trust in the hotel as its
mostly the same crowd and they always converge in the bar until very
late. Lately I was getting worried if she might give in to temptation
and I get frightened and worried. She has made a few changes to herself
recently, and I know that could be because she is turning 40 soon but
I still worry there could be other reasons.

My problem I have here is I sulk when she is going away mainly of late
though I have always preferred her not to be away. But it’s part of her
job which she loves and I am proud she has something she enjoys.

When she is away I become angry, confused, and worried as a lot of the
time I don’t know where she is and she makes little contact. I believe
she does still care but wants us to have more fun and for me to do things
on an evening or a weekend with my friends so the time we are together
we appreciate it. I realize I nee to change, hence why I bought your book!

I know I am possessive and jealous at times and always want to be in her
company. We have been together for 26yrs and I still love her to bits and
want the rest of my years with her. She is worth the fight so your advise
on my smothering, possessiveness, and possibly my jealousy would be good.
I need to learn how to cope with my emotions when she is away.

I must confirm I don’t believe any thing is happening at the moment, no
unexplained texts or calls and no reason to believe any thing other than
the change of appearance such as losing weight, lower back tattoo, away
with work which is part of her job.

MY REPLY:
Thanks for your email.

When your wife is telling you that she needs space and feels smothered
and tight chested when she is around you, she is trying to convey to you
the depth and seriousness of her feeling. How you choose to react to this
news is going to determine how easy or difficult this repair process is
going to be.

The first thing I want to tell you is that you cannot underestimate the
seriousness of this issue. This is not a casual feeling she is having,
it is a strong physical reaction to the behavior that you display toward
her. Sometimes when you love something or someone so much, you try your
best to hold on to it and nurture it and care for it in the hope that it
will never leave you.

In fact, you are motivated to do this by your fears. Your fear of being
dumped, humiliated, or cheated on is your motivation to control this
situation as closely as you possibly can. The problem here is that your
fear of her leaving you or cheating on you is in fact pushing her further
away.

When she told you about her feelings and need to get some space away, she
was sending you a cry for help. I want you to consider your actions. You
mentioned that you hover over her like a lost soul. Why is that? What
other stimuli do you have in your life that can provide a suitable
distraction?

In a healthy, functional relationship there is a balance of “we” time
versus “me” time. This means that while it is lovely to spend time together
as a couple, it is also healthy to have pursuits outside the relationship.
This helps both of you develop as individuals as well as give you time to
interact with your friends and pursue hobbies and interests that your
partner may share.

Your wife is focused on her job as well as the relationships she has developed
with her work colleagues, and you need to allow her the opportunity to do this
without being resentful. Likewise, it is important that you are able to develop
interests and set personal goals for yourself, quite outside of the goals that
the two of you set as a couple.

I would like you to read a book by David Deida, called “The Way of the Superior
Man.” In this book David talks about masculine and feminine energy, and the
importance of connecting with your individuality and achieving your personal
goals and objectives as well as achieving goals in the relationship. In fact,
I wonder if this is where you are at in your relationship.

In smothering your wife and being resentful of the time she spends with others,
you are inhibiting her ability to realize her personal goals. If she feels you
are doing this, your marriage is in serious trouble. This would cause her to
evaluate whether you or her goals are more important. In a functional
relationship you should be able to facilitate both.

The challenge for you is changing your mindset. Spend some time considering
what goals you have in your life that you would like to push yourself to achieve.

What goals and visions do you have as an individual?
Do you want to achieve more in your career?
More in your learning about other people?
Do you want to develop new interests and hobbies?
Do you want to strengthen your connections with friends?

When we are in relationships, things are constantly evolving. Relationships are
partnerships, but within these partnerships we are always being called to new
challenges. This is growth. Growth can apply to achieving goals as well as
growing in love. If you stifle one, however, you risk compromising the other.

This is not an issue about your wife spending time away from home. This is not
about the men your wife associates with. This is about your reaction to your fears.
If you let your fears rule you, you will lose the very thing you are trying to save.

Examine your anger, fear, worry, confusion, sulking, jealousy, possessiveness and
smothering nature. Has your wife given you good reason to not trust her? Has she
betrayed your trust before?

You may not understand why she is faithful to you when she is exposed to such
temptations, but you need to have faith. Have faith in the fact that your wife is
still married to you because she wants to be. Have faith that you have a family with
her because she loves you.

Have faith and support her in realizing her dreams and she will reward you with love
and support in realizing yours. Remember the person she fell in love with. Were you
the same smothering, needy person? Or were you the confident and capable man who was
fun to be around and a joy to come home to?

If you want to turn this around you need to do some serious self-examination. Examine
your thoughts and fears. Ask if they are justified. Consider what it must be like for
her to come home to. Then it’s time to set goals and work towards being the husband
that is supportive and loving without expectation.

Be her lover and friend, not her keeper.

Have faith in your wife and in yourself.

All the best,

Andrew Rusbatch
Host of Save My Marriage Today! Premium Home Study Guide