Rebuilding Marriage After the Affair

If you’re reading this article, I can assume you’ve made it through the affair and have decided to give your spouse and your marriage another chance. I commend you because this is not an easy decision to make. Let’s get straight to it: how to rebuilding marriage and make it even stronger than before. This is not going to be easy, but you will get there with effort and time.

Below are six steps that would get you back on the path to a happy, healthy marriage.

The affair must be over

The first thing that must happen before a reconnection can start is that your spouse must end ALL contact with the person they had the affair with. If they fail to do so, then it would be difficult to get over the infidelity experience. Ending contact may be difficult, especially if the third person is in close proximity, such as a work colleague or neighbor. However, if your spouse really wants to make things work with you, they will find a way to cease all contact with this person. You should not have to ask twice. If your spouse tries to tell you that ending contact is not necessary or makes excuses, this is a sign that they are not really over their affair.

It wasn’t your fault:

Yes! Your partner cheated because they wanted to. Don’t let anyone tell you that it was your fault. If there are unresolved marital conflicts, then it is time to work through exactly what went wrong in your marriage. The key to this is that you both need to be willing to talk openly and honestly about your feelings, without any blame being pointed at one another. Once you have talked these problems through in a calm environment, moving forward and finding solutions would be easier.

No more lies and deceits:

From this point on, be completely honest with each other. There should be no more lies please. As much as the truth can hurt, nothing can hurt you more now than the affair already has. There’s no point building a house on an unstable foundation. Remember, your spouse wants to rebuild this marriage as well, so take anything they say as constructive feedback which is designed to help strengthen your connection rather than weaken it.

Spend more time together:

Right now is the time for you and your spouse to be giving each other your undivided attention. Your neglected marriage needs to be fed and nurtured in order to grow, and the best way to achieve this is to spend as much quality time with your spouse as possible. Cancel any unnecessary appointments or social events, so you can fully devote your free time to working on re-bonding with your spouse.

After discovering your spouse’s infidelity, you may find yourself being very suspicious of their every move when they are away. So it is very important that at this time you and your spouse account for any time you spend apart. It is going to be a struggle learning to trust your spouse again, but keeping each other updated on your whereabouts when you are apart is an active way that will help you to do this. Also, your spouse should completely understand and respect your need for this.

Remember your marriage vows:

“I promise to love you unconditionally, to support you in your goals, to honor and respect you, to laugh with you and cry with you, and to cherish you for as long as we both shall live”.

Now I know that your vows will have varied from these. But I’m going to go ahead and assume that they shared some of the same messages: to love unconditionally, to support, to respect, and to cherish one another. I’m also sure that on your wedding day, you knew exactly how to love, support, respect and cherish your spouse.

Forgive and leave it all behind you:

What happened in the past, stays in the past. You’ve talked everything through as much as possible, expressed and explored all of your feelings, and have come up with ways to move forward. It is now time for you and your spouse to agree to leave it all behind you. Your spouse is going to have to live with their feelings of guilt about the affair for the rest of their life. But what is really going to hold back your marriage is if you are constantly reminding them of this guilt.

Punishing your spouse forever is not going to change what happened. It is not going to make you feel better but it will greatly diminish the quality of your marriage. If you aren’t able to give your spouse a true new beginning, they wouldn’t be able to grow and make changes for the better. This goes for any of the other problems which occurred in your marriage before or during the affair. Pour everything out of the box, sort through it, leave behind the broken bits, and place the treasured parts back in with care. It’s time for a fresh start.

Revive The Emotions: 

Reconnecting emotionally is going to be hard. Really hard. But the good news is, you’ve made it this far, and it can only go up from here. The first step is for you and your spouse to let each other know that despite everything that has happened in your relationship, you still love each other. One activity you might find helpful is writing down with your spouse all the things you love about each other, and giving these to each other to read. In doing this, you are reminding each other of the strong connection you share, and allowing you to see yourself through their eyes.

Part of reconnecting emotionally is also relearning how to express your love physically. Take this slowly as you need to. Start with a touch on the hand or a hug. It may have been some time since you have felt each other’s touch, and it will take time for you to get comfortable again. This is all normal, and it will get easier. Don’t give up if it doesn’t feel right straight away.

I really hope that this guide helps you to regain the love in your marriage. You are taking a very brave step, and I’m sure that with time and nourishment your relationship will again grow strong.

Author

SaveMyMarriageToday.com

 

Are you struggling to save your marriage?

If you have tried your best and nothing worked then I would suggest that you seek the help of a marriage counselor. Amy Waterman is a certified marriage counselor that has helped several couples save their marriage. You can visit her website to see different courses designed especially for you.

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