Resist the Urge for Revenge - The Infidelity Recovery Institute

Revenge affairs

If you have been cheated on, the thoughts of seeking revenge on your counterpart are not entirely uncommon. However, there is a significant difference between fantasy and reality. Sometimes the thought of revenge is a momentary relief of anger, or even – fun!

You may be considering the following actions of revenge to your cheating spouse:

Have your own affair.
Seek revenge on the person who your spouse committed the affair with, through mediocre threats or nuances like prank calling.
Take out your rage on your spouse’s most prized treasures.
Divorce your spouse and sue him or her for all he or she is worth.
Prevent your spouse from seeing their kids

For the most part, these fantasies are not necessarily healthy and may be causing you more pain than pleasure. By dwelling in what you want to do, you are also living with the idea you will not actually do these things, which means you are spending more time thinking about something not happening than you are thinking about how to take care of yourself. Thankfully, you have the choice whether or not to live with the demons that haunt you.

Ultimately, having your own affair will not provide you with lasting satisfaction, even though it may feel good to deliver your spouse’s own medicine. Betraying your spouse the way he or she betrayed you will cause an even greater divide between the two of you. Will you be satisfied in the long-term by hurting your spouse? Most people claim they would not wish the agony of betrayal on even their worst enemy.

Furthermore, if you are interested in reconciling with your spouse, destroying his or her belongings is not going to help you. This might relieve some anger and allow you to tangibly view your aggression, but does it satisfy you for a long period? In most cases, the act of destroying is merely representative of the relationship itself being destroyed by your spouse’s betrayal. Cutting up his or her favorite garments, or selling expensive items is not going to take away the hurt of what has been done to you.

Withholding children from seeing their parent is punishing the child/ren the most. Children need to know that BOTH parents care for their well-being, and should never be involved in the issues of the affair. Always ensure the children see their parent to prevent long term negative side effects for their future.

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The Science of Revenge & Personal Satisfaction

There is a human behavior known as “altruistic punishment.” It means reprimanding someone’s bad actions even though we get no real benefit from performing the reprimand. Researchers from the University of Zurich theorized that the feeling people get from meting out this type of punishment is what helps keep humans together as a society.

That’s on a grand, society scale. But what about you and your life, on the personal level of discovering your spouse is a cheater?

The researchers measured brain activity of test subjects as a means of measuring their reaction to being able to punish someone for a misdeed, in this case involving a test of exchanging money back and forth. The dorsal striatum would light up when these test subjects were able to punish the other person if they did something that was not mutually beneficial.

That region of the brain is where satisfaction and enjoyment reside, and it seemed that those who were willing to take a cost to themselves to punish the other had greater activation of that area of the brain. There appeared to be anticipation of satisfaction in being able to punish.

One of the researchers concluded that passion plays a role in altruistic punishment, but their evidence also supported that rationally managing one’s emotions also played a role. Another area of the brain, the prefontal cortex, was activated when study subjects needed to weigh the benefits of punishments over the cons. Results showed the higher the cost, the lower the punishment. People traded the expected satisfaction of punishment when the cost was factored in.

So how can this research help you?

It points out the importance of really thinking over several key factors, which you can relate to your experience:

Tip #1: Are You Anticipating Satisfaction?

The anticipation of satisfaction may not be the same as the satisfaction you ultimately get. An affair is a betrayal, and betraying your cheating spouse in return has more strings attached to it than just the one-time “payback” that you might do in other situations.

Question yourself closely: do you really feel you can derive satisfaction over the long-term by hurting your spouse in return? Most find that the taste of revenge is more bittersweet than they had reckoned.

Tip #2: Do you See a Benefit in Getting Back at Your Spouse?

If you were to, for example, cut up one of his expensively-tailored shirts or her best dress, is there a tangible benefit to you other than having threads and material in a heap on the floor?

Again, this may feel good in the short-term, but long-term, it doesn’t even scratch at the surface of your marriage’s much deeper problem: the betrayal, your emotional rollercoaster ride in the aftermath, and trying to salvage your marriage.

Revenge—despite the science—isn’t as sweet when there are further repercussions to live with.

Tip #3: A Different Way of “Getting Revenge”

We all think up revenge scenarios that in our mind’s eye, make us feel better, whether we’re on the road with aggressive drivers, just encountered a rude cashier in the store or discovered we’re married to a cheater.

The Best Way to Get Revenge on Your Cheating Spouse

Ultimately, the best way of getting revenge is to continue with your life. Take a moment to focus on what you want in your relationship with your spouse, now that the affair is out in the open.

Do you want to work things out?

Do you want a divorce?

What, in the end, will help you be satisfied for the long term?

If you are truly aching to act out against your spouse, our recommendation is to pick up a good book, or watch a good movie where the plot re-enacts an affair. Sometimes escaping into another world is the best medicine to feel as though you are not alone in your thoughts, feelings, and actions. Allow yourself to feel what the characters are feeling, and go through their emotions with them. Be sure to find a plot line that closely identifies with your situation. As much as we all like to believe we are unique, many affairs tend to happen the same way and for the same type of people.