Sexual chemistry keeps marriages alive and connected

By Paul Brandt, LS, LCSW

Keeping any relationship fun is not an easy task – especially in Long Term Relationships. Read how some people step up to keeping fun in their relationships.

Gabriel Angelino

Occasionally, my wife flashes me.  (What she flashes me is between her and me.) Sometimes it’s during one of those rare moments when we are the only ones in the room, occasionally it’s during an argument, and sometimes it’s after we’ve said our good-byes and I’m on the way out the door.   I really love it. It reminds me of our sexual connection.  It also gives me a nice visual to remember throughout the day.

Thank you, Gabriel for sharing that idea.  You address such an important subject that so few people are willing to talk about.  It’s hard enough for people to share ideas about their own experience with love and relationships, but to bring up something to do with sexual intimacy is even more difficult.  You make some very important points in your observation.

• Sexual intimacy between a committed couple needs to remain alive and rich in order for their relationship to continue to grow.  It certainly changes over time but that doesn’t mean it fades.  It’s a myth, or perhaps a self-fulfilling prophesy, that sexual intimacy fades with aging.
• You appreciate that your wife enjoys being a sexual person.  Unfortunately, too few women enjoy being sexual beings but only view sexual behavior as a duty, an obligation and one that they would actually prefer not to do.
• If she flashes you during an argument she’s saying something very profound.  She’s saying ,”even though we disagree and I might not even like you right now, you are my lover, we will get past this disagreement by agreeing or agreeing to disagree, and you and I are more important as lovers than this disagreement is.” Actively disagreeing and simultaneously choosing to be loving is a great ability that few people develop without years of experience.
• You like that she is playful and spontaneous in her sexuality with you and that she initiates sexual behavior. When she initiates she shows that she appreciates you as “her man” and that she’s sexually attracted to you.
• It’s clear from your description that you enjoy sexual interplay between you and your wife and that you don’t require that every physically intimate affection lead to “going all the way”.  Many more women would be more spontaneous and playful if they didn’t fear that they were obligating themselves to more than a momentary enjoyment of sexual chemistry.

Apparently your sex life is not something that is confined to an occasional ten-minute ritual that only occurs under limited circumstances, e.g., between the sheets, in the dark, man on top, etc. Instead, you and your wife enjoy your sexual connection in playful, spontaneous, unpredictable ways that don’t necessarily involve someone having an orgasm.  An ongoing sense of sexual chemistry helps set our marriages apart from all other relationships (assuming we are sexually monogamous).  We have other close friendships and family relationships that can be intensely close.  But when sexual chemistry with our spouses is kept alive it keeps us connected and connecting in ways that are unique to our marriage.

Paul Brandt is a psychotherapist specializing in individual, couples and family therapy.  He has maintained a private practice in the Salt Lake City area for thirty years. To find out more CLICK HERE