LESSON: STEP 5 – EMOTIONAL NEEDS

step5

Our goal in helping couples recover after an affair is for them to establish a romantic relationship that’s just as passionate as the affair. I don’t want their choice to be between passion and reason – the affair offering passion and the marriage offering reason. I want them to have passion and reason, something that can only be found in their marriage.

Of course, for many affair types, this goal is a true challenge. The couple needs to take a fresh look at what makes each other happy. They need to push aside assumptions and false beliefs. Individuals also are required to be honest about what makes them happy. If people do not know what it is that makes them happy, how will they appreciate it when they have it?

So how do we assess what is important to each individual?

Depending on the type of affair and your training level, the couple will do one of the following:

 

  • Emotional Needs Assessments
  • Prepare Enrich Assessment
  • If you have your own tool that could be used if appropriate

 

TIP: If it is clearly an Exit Affair, there is no use in doing assessments. The relationship is over. You will read more about this under the “Affair Type” section of this course. However you may feel there is some value for the betrayed spouse, to understand what their own emotional needs were, and what their partners emotional needs were, so she/he can be reflective and think about how she/he could potentially do this differently in the future.

In this course content we will talk about the Emotional Needs Survey, but you can use any tool you have which helps a couple recognize each others wants, needs, and desires.

 

For example:

  • The Five Languages of Love
  • The 10 Critical Dimensions (IRI Home Study Program)
  • Gottman’s tools (mainly available to therapists only)
  • Marriage Builders (open to everyone to use the tools – no training required)

Emotional Needs Assessment

 

Dr Harley allows for you to use all his questionairees and content with our clients. You will have no issue with marriagebuilders.com as it has all been confirmed and agreed on. It is best to have the couple go to the site www.marriagebuilders.com to source the materials, and do the background reading for their own personal education and growth. This makes your life much easier!

While we all agree Dr Harley’s views are extreme, they are EXTREMELY helpful when coaching Infidelity Recovery Clients. The goal is to help couples bring back the romantic love they once have for each other.

The 10 most desired emotional needs are (not in order of importance):

 

  1. Intimacy

 

  1. Recreational Time

 

  1. Conversation

 

  1. Financial Support

 

  1. Affection

 

  1. Honesty

 

  1. Admiration & Respect

 

  1. Family Commitment

 

  1. An Attractive Partner

 

  1. Sexual Satisfaction

 

 

 

You will most probably only have time to use this form with the couple

 

  • Emotional Needs Questionairee ENQ

 

If you had more time (the clients were not on a program) you could use more of these forms. It has taken me 6 sessions to work through these forms with a couple. Outline is below.

 

ØØ Love Busters Questionairee LBQ

ØØ Marriage Problem Analysis MPA

ØØ Personal History Questionairee PHQ

ØØ Memorandum of Agreement MOA (See back of this document)

 

Note that the Policy of joint agreement and the Policy of Radial Honesty are all on www.marriagebuilders.com. We have permission to use all their material and have our clients download material from this site. These two policies are great to review with your clients in STEP 7 MOVING FORWARD, as it gives the clients new rules/boundaries to follow in the relationship.

 

Suggested Process Using all Forms

 

  1. We start by educating the client on the theory of the love bank – what ever we do to each other affects other person either positively or negatively.
  2. If the clients have not already completed ENQ & LBQ & MPA & Love Bank Inventory (in your members section online) you have them do so. They are to complete the documents separately and return them to you without the other looking at the others documents. They are also not to discuss there answers with each other.
  3. The session where you review the ENQ & the LBQ is to be 1.5 to 2 hours long.
  4. The session is split into 3 sections.
    • 45 mins – First spouse
    • 20-­‐30 mins – Second Spouse
    • 30 mins Together
  5. Take the ENQ

 

  • Turn to last pg of the report and review the list of ranked needs (from 1 to 5)

 

  • Check the Likert Scales under the A section of each page to make sure the rankings are consistent. Check if the top ranked needs are consistent with how they ranked the need in the questionairee eg if they ranked Affection as #1 Need, then the first questionairee question (affection) should be a 5 or 6 “I have a great need for affection”

 

  • Do the same for the B section. You are looking to see how the spouse satisfies their top needs. If the spouse is not satisfying the Top need, then love bank credits are being withdrawn.

 

  1. Next read the LBQ

 

  • Do the same ranking method with this report

 

  1. Then Finally read and score the Love Bank Inventory
  2. Add positive ratings and subtract negative from 1 to 20 (not #21). Then divided by 5. This is the love bank score.

 

  1. The score

 

  1. -­‐12 = Disgust

 

  1. -­‐6> –21 = Hate/Dislike

 

  • -­‐1> = No Emotional Connection

 

  1. 0> = Little Emotional Connection

 

  1. 6> = Love but lacking an element

 

  1. 12 = Romantic Love

 

  1. All negative numbers are more difficult to motivate to want to participate in the program, hence the program takes longer

 

  1. Complete the Memorandum of Agreement MOA

 

  1. You have 3 copies of this form

 

  1. Complete the emotional needs on the 2nd Note any emotional need the spouse is not meeting

 

  1. Complete the love busters on the 3rd page, noting any love buster the spouse is not meeting

 

  1. You will then have an idea of the major cause of of the unhappiness and discuss this with your client.

 

  1. Do the same for the spouse

 

  1. Once completed, both people return to your office

 

  1. You begin by address the MAIN REASON FOR SEEKING COACHING, and rephrasing it in a positive way eg to save the relationship from x y z, or to achieve xyz

 

  1. Then you talk about how the finding of each questionnaires affected the love banks

 

  1. You review the ENQ

 

  1. You review the LBQ

 

  1. You read the MOA, and get them to sign it. They both receive a copy

 

  1. Take a copy of the ENQ and LBQ, as some people like to take these home and discuss the answers

 

  1. Do not give the LBI

THE TREATMENT PLAN

 

MUSTS

 

ØØ 15 hours of Quality Time per week while in coaching

 

ØØ Read “His Needs Her Needs” & “Love Busters”

 

ØØ 5 Steps to Romantic Love is the resource book for their homework exercises

 

  • pg 184 has a worksheet to track time together. You can copy this form and assign it to couples each week. They have to bring it in on the following session.

 

ØØ 1st Goal is to eliminate Love Busters

 

o Provide HW around their love buster o Use love busters and 5 Steps Workbook

 

ØØ Ensure you write the HW you direct to the couple in your notes, and provide a copy to the couple

 

ØØ End the session by confirming the TOP emotional needs will be met in coming weeks

 

ØØ Schedule to next appointment

 

 

FOLLOWING SESSIONS

 

ØØ Schedule 60 minute sessions

ØØ You can see each person for 15 mins individually, and then together 30 mins.

ØØ You are now guiding them through the lessons from the MOA, and assigning HW accordingly

ØØ It is good practice to email or call your clients 2 days prior to their appointment to check they have done their HW

ØØ You are referring back to assigned HW in every session, to ensure the newly learned behaviours are put into action

ØØ Every 3rd session they complete a new LBI

ØØ Introduce the Policy of joint agreement and the Policy of Radical Honesty

ØØ Hold the couple ACCOUNTABLE

Forms:

Handouts:

Additional:

Forms:

Handouts:

Additional:

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