The 3 Steps in Planning a Post-Affair Date Nite

Is your marriage in crisis? Maybe it hit the skids, and has almost been finished off by an affair.

Keeping a marriage together takes work. And a marriage in crisis? There isn’t a way to not do the work when it comes to saving your marriage.

How to Salvage a Marriage after an affair 

When couples talk of saving their marriage, both spouses may have ideas as to what it will mean:

• Tense discussions about marriage problems
• Uncomfortable silences
• Accusations and recriminations
• Exhausting efforts to resolve conflicts
• Negative thoughts, emotions and images
• Developing new communication skills

Even though you will be feeling these emotions for a long time to come, you still need to introduce some fun and excitement back into your relationship – and the time to do that is NOW.

The Survival of Your Relationship Depends On It

Fun has probably become a distant memory in light of recent events in your marriage. Trying to save a sinking ship doesn’t seem to go with the idea of laughs and smiling eyes.

But in order to move your marriage forward, you and your spouse need to rebuild your bond. By focusing on building good memories once again, the bad memories and pain may begin to lose their power and hold over your relationship.

What you need is to reignite the spark that once brought you and your spouse together. In order for this to occur, you need to work together to prepare fertile ground for this to take place.

And where have couples always created and expanded their mutual spark?

By indulging in dates with one another—time set aside to just “be” as a couple, relax and have a good time. Just like it was in the beginning. Did you get excited to go on dates with each other early in your relationship? Did you put in extra effort when dressing for the date – because you cared about  your appearance, and you loved it when your spouse complimented you? Preparing for the date was exciting. This is what you must go back and do now.

If your relationship was on the rocks before the affair discovery, or you were never “excited” about your spouse, but you wish to save your relationship now – you have to put in the effort which never existed before.

The 3 Steps in Planning a Post-Affair Date Nite

Step 1: Make a Date List

For weeks, months—and maybe longer—you and your spouse have been cataloguing and reviewing the hurts and slights in your relationship. And if there’s been an affair, the misery wrought is never far from your consciousness.

Take a step in a positive idea: sit down with your spouse and brainstorm date ideas. Or, agree that you will each brainstorm 5 ideas, and then combine the lists. You may not feel very “into” it, but once you get going, you may see a change in your spirit with something positive to look forward to.

Step 2: Select and Plan a Date 

From the list you and your spouse have created, select one date idea—and calendar it immediately, in ink. In order to rebuild your marriage, you need actions that will propel the relationship forward.

This doesn’t mean all of the hurt and anger disappears. What it shows is a commitment on the part of both spouses to take the necessary steps to build positive memories.

Step 3: Set Conflict Aside for Length of the Date

Your “first date” in your quest to save and build your marriage may be a tense time. It won’t be the jitters you had on the original first date you and your spouse had when you first got together. Below the surface of this date may be jitters about how to behave, what to say, what to discuss.

Agree that for this date, you will both commit to relax, and not bring up any conflicts or points of contention during this time you’ve set aside. You will both need to be mindful of your hot-button issues—and steer clear.

My best to you as you have some fun you so richly deserve.

Share your date night

1. Have you developed date plans together, and then followed through on actually going on the dates?
2. How did you feel on your “first” date?
3. Did you and your spouse set ground rules in what you would discuss/not discuss on the date?

Please share your thoughts by leaving a comment below.

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Popular Affair Recovery Resources & Programs

How to Survive an Affair – Over 20,000 customers have used Dr. Frank Gunzburg’s 3-step program to rebuild their relationship after an affair. Discover how this 3-phase program can show you both how to heal the wounds, pick up the pieces and “affair-proof the relationship for good.” Click here to read more.

Saving Your Marriage – Inside this powerful alternative to counseling, Dr. Gunzburg provides a 10-step program that show you and your spouse, what’s wrong and how to fix it. This self-help program is designed to help couples talk again, have fun again and “spark the intimacy.” Click here to read more.

Affair Recovery Coaching or Counseling with a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist – the infidelity recovery Institute has put together a directory of  affair recovery specialists from around the world. Click here to read more..