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The definition of infidelity
Are you arguing with your spouse about the definition of what infidelity actually is?
It can feel like you’re living in the movie Groundhog Day. The same old questions, with the same old answers. Cheaters tend to have their own thoughts on what constitutes an affair, because they put themselves into a fantasyland state of denial to be able to justify the affair.
In this blog, you will learn what infidelity is, so you aren’t left doubting your sanity about your reaction to your spouse’s behavior and why it feels hurtful to you.
Here’s how a conversation about cheating may sound:
“Who was that on the phone?”
“Work-related.”
“You now work on Saturdays?”
“Just someone from the project I’m working on, no big deal.”
“Didn’t sound like you were talking about work. Who was it? Are you having an affair?”
“Don’t be ridiculous. It’s not cheating just to talk to someone from work.”
“It is if it’s a Saturday and you’re not even talking about work!”
You can see how quickly such a conversation can hit the wall, both spouses digging in behind their idea of what cheating is/isn’t. And cheaters become especially good at behaving confused, because they’re looking to justify their actions. They may not want to admit that what they’re doing is shady, because then they’d have to admit they’re contemplating engaging in shady behavior!
Your spouse is possibly in denial, especially if he or she is caught up in the rush of getting attention from someone outside of the marriage. That attention feels good if your spouse has been feeling “neglected” in the marriage, and naturally he or she won’t want to stop feeling good.
But feeling neglected is not an excuse or a validation for behaviors that threaten the marriage bond. The problem is that the spouse who is getting this attention is not addressing an issue in the marriage. He or she is not facing their feelings, emotions and needs head-on—with you.
How easy it is to think, “I haven’t touched Jessica (or Jeremy), so therefore, I am not cheating on my wife (husband).”
Having sex with someone outside of marriage is a very narrow definition of cheating. Let’s look at what the nuts and bolts of cheating really are.
Defining Cheating in Your Relationship
Let’s start with wikipedia:
[box type=”info”] Betrayal: is the breaking or violation of a presumptive contract, trust, or confidence that produces moral and psychological conflict within a relationship amongst individuals, between organizations or between individuals and organizations[/box]
[box] Infidelity: (also referred to as cheating, adultery, or having an affair) is a violation of a couple’s assumed or stated contract regarding emotional and/or sexual exclusivity.[/box]
If your spouse is having a personal relationship with some intensity, the relationship has probably crossed the line. It may not be physical—yet—but an emotional affair can be just as devastating.
When your husband or wife has an emotionally intimate connection with someone other than yourself, you are not getting the intimacy that rightfully belongs to you. The spouse who is sharing his or her innermost thoughts with someone other than you is damaging your marriage’s emotional connection and is now a problem.
Here are a few questions to help you define whether or not a behavior or action constitutes cheating:
1) Is the relationship with the other person open and transparent?
Is the extent of the relationship concealed from you, or is your spouse very open about the conversations that he or she is having with this other person?
In their gut, most spouses know that if they are sharing intimate conversations with someone other than their spouse, their behavior is wrong. And when a husband or wife makes an effort to hide the truth, then it can be defined as cheating.
2) Is your spouse becoming angry and defensive?
Is your spouse getting upset or irritated when you bring up the question? Or, is he or she starting arguments or acting out of character? This is a way many cheaters develop a rationale for cheating: “If she hadn’t pushed me to do it…”
3) Is your spouse willing to protect the other relationship—at the expense of your own?
Sure, your spouse may have no choice in who they work with or see in your social group. But if they seem to be choosing the other relationship—when it is clearly damaging their relationship with you—this could be defined as cheating. Your vows were with each other—not a third party, and the allegiance should be to the marriage, first and foremost.
If you have not had a conversation with your spouse to define cheating, you are not alone. Most couples have never had this conversation. This is the first question an Infidelity Recovery Specialist will ask you if you come into clinic or begin the 7-Step Infidelity Recovery Program. You will both be asked;
“What is your definition of cheating or infidelity?”
Today, my questions to you are:
- How have you and your spouse, as a couple, defined cheating?
- Have you ever encountered this situation, like the example given above?
- When asking your spouse about a relationship, have you encountered resistance? If so, how did your spouse respond when questioned?
Please share your experiences and thoughts on this topic by leaving a comment below.
Wishing you hope and healing for your marriage,
Savannah Ellis
IRI Founder & Infidelity Recovery Specialist.
Contact Me – Affair Recovery Specialist Directory
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