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The most common reasons people give for their divorce
Aug
Infidelity is one of the leading causes of divorce; it nearly doubles the chance that a couple will get divorced. And even though we live in a sexually tolerant society, still more than 90% of Americans say infidelity is morally wrong.
Statistics on infidelity
Although it is hard to do research on how common infidelity is, about 4% of married men and 2% of married women report anonymously to researchers that they were unfaithful to their spouses in the last year. Although most married people appear to be faithful, research suggests that about 10%–15% of women and 20%–25% of men tell researchers that they were unfaithful to their spouse while they were married.
Of course, it’s possible the actual numbers are somewhat higher than this, and every report you will read will suggest a different statistic.
The top reasons why couples divorce
Researchers have identified the most common reasons people give for their divorces. A recent national survey found that the most common reasons given for divorce were:
- “lack of commitment” (73% said this was a major reason)
- too much arguing (56%)
- infidelity (55%)
- marrying too young (46%)
- unrealistic expectations (45%)
- lack of equality in the relationship (44%)
- lack of preparation for marriage (41%)
- abuse (29%)
Noted, that people often give more than one reason, so the percentages add up to more than 100%.
A recent survey of Utah adults found results similar to this national survey. Looking at this list, some believe that it is possible to fix many of these problems and prevent some divorces. Couples can learn how to avoid destructive arguments and solve their differences better; they can create more realistic expectations for their marriage; and they can create more equal partnerships.
Even such damaging problems as infidelity (affairs) sometimes can be overcome, especially with professional and/or religious help.
It is interesting to note that a significant number of divorced individuals—maybe about half—reported to researchers that they wished they or their ex-spouse had tried harder to work through their differences.
When Utahns were asked this question, “Do you wish you or your ex-spouse had tried harder to work through your differences?”
- 31% of men who had divorced said they wished that they had worked harder to save their marriage
- 74% said they wished their ex-wife had worked harder to save the marriage
- 13% of women who had divorced said they wished that they had worked harder to save their marriage
- 65% said they wished their ex-husband had worked harder to save the marriage.
Researchers estimated that about one in three couples who actually divorce later try to reconcile. This suggests that they ended up regretting their decision to divorce.
So many cheaters, but no little forgiveness
Opinion polls show that nearly two out of three (63%) married Americans say they would not forgive their spouse (and would get a divorce) if they found out their spouse had a sexual affair.
This was the case for “Fran.” She found out about her husband’s infidelity when she discovered she had contracted a venereal disease:
I decided when I found out on the hospital table that I had gonorrhea that we were divorced already . . . He tried to talk me out of it, and so did his mother and his father, and my mother, and various aunts and uncles and brothers and sisters, but I was very willful and stubborn, and I would not be appeased. I was furious [about his infidelity]. The marriage was over, personally.
Click here to understand why people cheat who also claim they are otherwise monogamous & faithful.
“Brittany” described the difficult choice she faced at one point. She decided to work hard and try to repair the damage to her marriage:
I had to make a decision: Am I willing to work through this situation [infidelity] with him which is going to be a long-term thing? And how will that impact me for the rest of my life? How am I going to feel about us? How am I going to trust again? Can I love him with all of my heart again? I’m telling you, that’s a hard, hard, hard, hard, thing. Harder than I ever thought. Because even though it’s been a few years, still, you seem to doubt. . . . In my head I thought, “I love these kids so much, and I want them to have [their parents] together for the rest of our lives.” Marriage is a lot of work, and people don’t realize that. They just think, “Well, we’re married and everything should be total bliss and we should be totally happy for the rest of our lives.” Period, end of conversation. And they’re not going to have trials. But that is just so not the case.
A few years later, she told us that she is happy in her marriage and is sure she made the right decision to stay and work things out.
What are you thoughts on Divorce after Infidelity? Consider these 3 questions:
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How long do you think a married couple should try to work things out?
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What steps do you think people should take before deciding to get divorced?
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If the married couple has children, does that affect your answers in 1 and 2 above? Do the ages of the children matter?
