The Tower of Remembrance

Forgiveness Exercise

 

As an infidelity recovery coach, one of my favorite tools to use with clients is the Tower of Remembrance exercise. Especially coming into summertime where the couple can go down to a lovely beach area, or river, and create a true experience together while releasing past hurts.It is difficult to do this exercise in wintertime where I live due to the snow!

In the 7 step infidelity recovery program, forgiveness is one of the last steps of the program. Not the first! There is a lot of work to do before an unfaithful spouse can ask for forgiveness. By the time the couple reaches Step 6 Forgiveness, both people are looking to heal other areas of the relationship, because the affair questions have been answered back in  Steps 1, 2, & 3. Even the betrayed spouse is sick and tired of thinking about the affair and is looking forward to moving forward.

Earlier in the program, the couple started working on their personal contribution list:

1. Things you didn’t do that you should have done in your marriage
2. Things you did do that you should not have done in your marriage
3. Accidental items

Even though one spouse has cheated, most betrayed spouses will be able to talk about how they contributed to the marriage decline in someway. This is really important to understand when working with the the betrayed spouse – that it is not their fault – but if one person is right and one person is wrong, then nobody wins (are we not talking about the issue of the affair.)

Couples are nervous and excited to begin Step 6. There’s a few exercises we could do, but like I said, coming to summertime it is so special to create a ritual and mark this special event, a turning point, in this relationship. Each person will typically have between eight to 10 past hurts they would like to ask for forgiveness on.

 

What are the things that you would like to ask forgiveness on?

The couple writes down the things that they understand have hurt, harmed or injured the other person.

The goal is to really understand and connect to the impact this betrayal of trust or violation of connection has caused the relationship. It is also used to process other “betrayals” or “hurts” from time past.

You should have a good idea by now, of all the items that need to be forgiven.
The couple is sent to the beach or peaceful location. They gather a rock for each of the requests. Once a rock is collected for each request, the couple stands an arms distance away from each other.

The unfaithful partner begins…

“I betrayed a sacred trust by doing_______________.

The impact of that has been ________________________.

What I did against you matters and it has caused you immense pain and suffering.

I recognize that you may not trust me right now, but I choose to repair this broken trust by being transparent, open, honest and have integrity with you from this point forward.

Will you forgive me?”

The forgiver has 3 options:

1. They accept the rock and say, “Yes, I do forgive you” and place the rock on the ground. This will begin to form and shape the Tower of Remembrance.
2. They can choose to say, “Not now”. The rock then goes into their left pocket and the couple must come back to it later.
3. They can say “No”, in which case the rock then goes into the right pocket.
4. They continue to go back and forth until they have gone through their list of apologies.
5. Once the tower of remembrance is constructed they must let that resentment and grievance go and never bring it up again.
6. Then, they hold onto the rocks they have in their possession in either the left or right pocket and talk about each of those issues and try to repair them.

The idea is that now the couple is talking about the old “elephants in the room” and there is a process in place, OR that is evolving for tackling past issues and hurts.

By the time the couple reaches of the Infidelity Recovery Program, “Step 7 – Moving Forward”, they may not decide to stay together. This will depend mainly on the affair type. Of course many couples will have a lot of work left to do. But at least they know what work they have to do. Or each person has the choice to move forward alone, but knowing why.

I hope you have found my advice a little helpful. If you would like to connect you can reach me on Facebook!

Best wishes on your coaching journey.

With Love,

Karen Brummell 

Certified Infidelity Recovery Coach

*A ceremony allows us to acknowledge a transition – a new beginning or sometimes, as a conclusion to an event in our lives. This exercise may need to be done more than once, so perhaps you can decide on your terminology – ritual or ceremony – depending on where you are in the world, and what meaning it has for you.

---