Weekend Relationship Project #1

Expectations

 

If you wonder why your marriage has problems—or wish to prevent marital resentment down the road—then now is a good time to ask yourself an honest question,

“What did you expect?”

Many husbands and wives never explicitly answer this question before they marry. They share generic expectations like having fun together and always being together. Deeper and more important expectations are avoided or not discussed. And even when they are discussed, many spouses ignore them anyway.

The examples are endless.

• John wants his kids raised Catholic and Sharon doesn’t care (until five years later when she has children and realizes that she really does care but “never really thought about it”).

• Jackie expects to move to Seattle near her family when Dave finishes his degree, but Dave expects them to stay in Florida with his sunshine and boat.

• Gail expects Derek will quit drinking after the wedding.

• Joe expects Tina to keep her 24 inch waist.

When you don’t fully know and disclose your expectations to your spouse, you are not being fair to him or her. You’re also not being fair to yourself. If you don’t know what you want or believe, how is your spouse supposed to know what you want or who you are before marrying you?

We expect full disclosure about a house before we buy it or a job before we take it. When we know in advance what to expect, we can best judge if we want the house or the job and prepare for it.

The same is true for marriage.

The more we know about our own expectations and our beloved’s, the more we can discuss, prepare for, and accommodate for those expectations. This can also lead a couple to decide not to marry in the first place—which is infinitely better than a decision to divorce ten years later.

You owe it to yourself and your spouse to be as explicit and honest as possible with your answers. You might find that some of your expectations are unreasonable and need to be changed or thrown away.

Wendy Jaffe, “The Divorce Lawyers’ Guide to Staying Married by Wendy Jaffe,” researched the most common unrealistic expectations that lead to divorce.

https://youtu.be/7tUYpX8X-lM

Wendy Jaffe, says the top 5 reasons couples split up (these insights come from over 100 divorce attorneys who were interviewed):

• The first big reason people get divorced: Tying the knot too young – before either of them know what they really want out of life, or from a mate. According to Jaffe, a lot of divorce attorneys warn against saying “I do” before age 25, and some suggest waiting until at least 30 years old!
• Also, opposites may attract, but they don’t seem to stick. The experts say that it’s fine and healthy to have different interests – because you have more to share with each other. But spouses need to be more alike than different where it counts if they want to reach their silver anniversary. For example, you should have similar values, financial habits, and ideas about children and family.
• Addiction. Lawyers say that in one-third of all divorces, there’s evidence of abuse of alcohol, prescription medicine, or illegal drugs. Bottom line: Whatever the addiction, the effect is the same. Left untreated it can destroy your marriage.
• Couples also grow apart. Here are the top 7 situations that lead to divorce: One person becomes a workaholic, kidaholic, or hobbyaholic.  There’s a large age difference, a marriage between people with opposite values, a change in goals, or intellectual and social differences. Experts say that when two people’s mindsets are deeply divided, it’s hard to maintain a marriage.
• They never developed a good way to communicate. Bottom line: they get impatient with each other, and just don’t spend the time or energy needed to come up with joint solutions to their problems.

 

How do you relate to Wendy’s list?

1. Marriage to Anyone is Better than being Single

2. We will Always be in Romantic Love

3. Marriage will Change my Spouse

4. Love Conquers All—Common Goals and Values Don’t Matter Jaffe also suggests some realistic expectations that lead to the happiest marriages (p.53).

5. I will not suffer verbal or physical abuse at the hands of my spouse.

6. Children will probably put a stress on our marriage

7. At some point in our marriage, my spouse and I may have to go to counseling

8. For our marriage to work, we need to make time for just each other.

9. Some days my spouse will bore me.

10. Sometimes my spouse will do things that will make me angry.

11. My spouse will have opinions that I don’t agree with.

12. I may have in-laws in my life that I don’t care for.

13. Our sex life might be great, but it will not be like it was on our honeymoon.

How do you relate to these lists of unrealistic and realistic expectations?

Which ones do you need to discuss and clarify with your spouse?

Which ones do you need to change or let go?

What Do You Expect?

Everyone has expectations in their marriage. When those expectations (wants/goals/values) are openly verbalized, spouses can better understand and care for each other. When expectations are unspoken, unknown, or hidden— trouble is just waiting to happen. These kinds of expectations are a ticking time bomb in a marriage, eventually leading to resentment, heartache and sometimes divorce.

When both spouses expect to have dinner together each night, they make it happen as much as possible and enjoy their time together. When one spouse expects dinner each night and the other spouse expects to travel six months of the year, resentment can build both ways.

The list of expectations is both endless and unique for every couple.

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Weekend Relationship Project #1 

Couple Project Time: 60 minutes

“What are your expectations” exercise?

1. Separately (without consulting each other), take 20 minutes to review the questions below. Take notes on each question.
2. Ladies first, talk about your answers for 10 to 15 minutes (without interruption)
3. The mans turn, talk about your answers for 10 to 15 minutes (without interruption)
4. NOW – you can ask each other some deeper questions for 10 to 15 minutes.

If you feel comfortable with the conversation, continue on. However, if you are finding yourself feeling defensive from what your partner is saying, or telling your partner their expectations are unrealistic, you may wish to just acknowledge that you have a little work to do in this area.

It’s important to understand that people change over time. A good relationship allows an individual to grow as a person. By improving your communication style (allowing your spouse to speak their mind without interruption, such as in the exercise above), you will be able to have deeper conversations about marital expectations in a more truthful and honest manner.

[box type=”info”]

1.How well do you know what you want and value for your life and marriage?

2. How well do you know your spouse’s expectations?

3. How realistic or unrealistic are your expectations? Do you expect her to stay forever 21? Do you expect him to never watch football?

4. Do you expect each other to speak respectfully and control your anger with each other?[/box]

Your expectations can lead to a more loving marriage or to a resentful marriage.