It’s Not About The Nail

This YouTube video, “it’s not about the nail” has been a social media hit – now with well over 12 million views. I really love it.

As an Australian with a wacky sense of humor, I see the learning value in using comic relief to highlight a sensitive issue. As a couple therapist who developed the 7-Step Infidelity Recovery Model, I know my traumatized, depressed, stressed, and anxious clients will gain benefit from watching short videos. Watching how the onscreen characters handle a situation & using this for self reflection, is a powerful self-help and therapeutic tool! More about using movies in relationship projects later….

“Studying movies for their mystical message empowers us. We gain insight and greater self-awareness. We begin to appreciate our virtues and learn to “see” with our heart …”

Marsha Sinetar

I share the “it’s not about the nail” video with every couple who begins therapy with me. No matter what the relationship problem is, couples become ‘stuck’ in a cycle due to an inability to communicate. And it is the listening side of the communication equation which is often the most difficult to learn. Watch this couple interact, and see if you can relate.

Does this video reflect the communication style of your relationship? Do you feel your partner just doesn’t get you? Or they are distracted when you’re speaking to them, and they are not connecting to your words? It’s important to note here, that even great relationships, where each person would describe each other as best friends, can also have individuals who feel “emotionally disconnected” or “unheard.” So many people can feel lonely inside their ‘great’ marriage. And one of the reasons why is because their spouse is not emotionally connected –  “Nobody understands me.” The resulting feeling is loneliness, moving on to sadness, and if left for long enough unresolved, depression.

It’s not natural!

Before couple can tell me they didn’t do their homework exercises from last session, I like to share with people the reality of learning the art of communication. The reality is – there is nothing normal about learning a new anything! Learning by definition means doing something you don’t normally do in the hope of gaining a new skill for your advantage in some way shape or form. It is no different in your relationship.

The reality is, sometimes you don’t want to listen to your spouse talk about their day. You know how this conversation goes – you will have to sit there for at least half an hour, nodding in listening politely, providing support when you need to, and you can’t say what you’re really thinking. What you really want to do, is maybe get something to eat and kickback, watching some TV, and do nothing at all –  in silence. And by the way – this can be said for both sexes. Us women are equally good at being busy around the home and dismissing our men when they want to ‘share.’

Learning how to be a better communicators in day to day life takes practice and planning. People are not the only busy, but they are also distracted. So to really connect, and I’m talking about ’emotional connection’ – you need to plan this  like a business meeting. It may not feel normal to plan a time to talk with your spouse, but like starting on a new exercise regime where it’s difficult and you don’t want to do it to begin with (BTW – that could just be me), you have to schedule a time in your diary, commit to the activity for a set period of time (I recommend 20 mins minimum), and do this consistently for at least a month.

Why is this important?

The truth about people is that we will not change until we feel there is a need to change. If it’s tolerable we will put up with it. The saying is, “if it’s not broke don’t fix it.” Well this saying definitely does not apply to relationships. And it definitely does not apply to the modern relationship. The reality is, every human being wants to be heard and feel loved. If a person cannot feel connected to their spouse, they will connect to something else. The connection maybe with work, drugs, alcohol, hobbies or interests, children – or another person outside the relationship. Most relationship brake ups are avoidable. Don’t wait until something happens before you begin these relationship enrichment exercises.

I don’t expect couples to exhibit perfect communication skills in their everyday relationship. It is just not practical. But if a couple could take the time to learn how to emotionally connect, and truly listen to their spouse – the couple develops a bond, and the individual feels understood. Have dedicated time/s to connect every week. This is the elusive “soul mate” connection.

You do not have to agree with your partner, but just to understand and validate their point of view.

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Weekend Relationship Project #2

Couple Project Time: 60 minutes

FIRST

Review the video with each other. Take turns in discussing the video following the format below:

1. Take 5 minutes to discuss the video from the mans perspective
   
2. Take 5 minutes discussing the video from the woman’s perspective
3. Take 5 minutes to talk about how you could change and improve your own communication style

SECOND

Discuss the truth of the following statement with each other.

1. Always remember that your spouse is still your boyfriend or girlfriend—so treat him or her as you did before marriage with boatloads of respect and kindness.

Remember how you used to listen to your beloved, asking him or her all kinds of questions? You not only asked how he or she was doing every day—you really wanted to know. You listened with both your ears and your eyes. After the wedding, some spouses can become deaf and blind, using one ear and no eyes when they talk.

2. Do you treat strangers better than your own spouse? Do you say things to your spouse that you would never say to strangers?

Many spouses routinely use profanities at each other that they would never say to strangers. Words can kill or heal. Decide if you want to be a murderer or a doctor with your words.

3. Be careful with generalizations. You’re careful about profanities? But do you routinely use words like “you never, ever, or you always do ____________!”?

Such words are profane because the generalizations throw out the truth. Does he really NEVER talk with you? Is she ALWAYS too tired for sex? Do you say these things anyway? You discredit the other person when you generalize their actions.

That builds resentments, which can cause him to quit talking to you, for her to be too tired for him, and for this cycle to continue FOREVER and ALWAYS.

4. Speak for yourself. It’s easy to say “You don’t care. You are _____________ (a selfish jerk, etc.,).

It’s better and just as easy to start with an “I”. “I was waiting for you to meet me at the restaurant at 7PM. What happened?” “I feel tuned out when you watch TV in bed. I’d like to get rid of it.”

Let your spouse know where you are coming from, and he or she can then speak for himself or herself.

5. You always control your anger. It’s impossible to not get angry with your spouse about something. But it is possible to control your anger and use it responsibly. It is a cop-out to “lose your temper.” You choose to lose it. You choose to control it. You always decide.

Your temper does not control you. You control your anger. Practice points 2, 3 and 4 above when you are angry. And if you need time to cool off, then take your time. Better to take a ten minute break for a walk around the block then to say something that breaks your spouse’s heart.

You can use the time to think about how to say what you need to say, and then say it more effectively. There is nothing wrong with anger. What matters is how you express it.

6. Memorize this:  “Be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to anger.” All these talking points are summed up in this one gem of wisdom. Live by this advice, and you will have a master’s degree in communication with your spouse.

7. Repeat point number one. Once upon a time when you dated your spouse, you routinely spoke words of affection, appreciation, desire and support. Keep dating your spouse with words such as these.

Do it daily.

[box] A Bonus Talking Point: For an advanced degree in communication—try this.[/box]

After you have listened to your spouse say whatever she or he has to say, extend the conversation (and show your interest) by saying these five words;

“And is there anything else?”

Whether he or she is excited about something or angry about something, asking these words invites them to say anything else on their mind, and shows them that you seriously want to know all that they are thinking or feeling.

It also shows that you want to hear them out before you say what you have to say.

“Anything else?”

Give it a try it and see the difference it makes.

 

[box] (A word of wisdom: if you don’t, someone else will) Call or text your longtime boyfriend or girlfriend (aka your spouse) just as you did with each other before you were married. Make your dating life last a lifetime. Have multiple affairs with your spouse. Routinely ask, “How are you doing?” and listen with two ears and two eyes.[/box]

 

The world will challenge us throughout the day. When we come home, we just want our partner to be on our side and not be confrontational

– Savannah Ellis