When is the best time of ask for forgiveness after the affair?

When is the best time to ask for forgiveness or to grant forgiveness after marital infidelity? Many unfaithful partners will make the mistake of asking for forgiveness after affair disclosure. However this request will add insult to injury for the betrayed spouse. How can you forgive what you do not understand? It is just not possible.

Therapists opinions will vary greatly on the timing of asking forgiveness. Some therapists believe that an apology, no matter what the timing, is sufficiently humbling and that it should be accepted or at least considered seriously by the unfaithful spouse.

The problem with early apologies is that most unfaithful partners are too quick to apologize. They say they are sorry even before they tell their spouse what they are sorry about. They apologize while their spouse is still numb with disbelief, or in the early stages of obsession and has not gotten to the underlying emotions. They apologize at every turn!

Some therapists regard an apology as necessary before the work of rebuilding can begin. Even when the straying partner is genuinely sorry, and many are, they do not get understand how they helped set the stage for the affair and they have not yet fully listened to the spouses pain. They are more concerned with avoiding the feared consequences of their behavior then with understanding what has happened in coming to terms with it. Hearing the spouses pain is necessary, and a major part of moving forward towards forgiveness.

Forgiveness is the last phase in dealing with an affair. Forgiving each other comes after confronting and resolving the painful issues that were avoided earlier. With forgiveness comes closure on the affair. True forgiveness opens the door to a new and more intimate partnership.

Forgiveness is also possible for couples who decide to end their marriage, and it helps in finalizing the emotional divorce. Although forgiveness comes more easily if the couple has work out their issues from the marriage, it is equally important for couples who divorce.

What is forgiveness anyway?

It is not about undoing what happened. Reality is that what has happened, has happened:

1. There has been an affair
2. There has been betrayal
3. There has been deceit

It is not about forgetting what it happened. And an affair can never be forgotten and it shouldn’t be. It’s not about going back to the way things were. Even if it could happen, most couples don’t want that. Forgiveness is about taking the affair off center stage and putting it in its proper place. And the timing is different for each couple.

While there are many theories on the best method for forgiveness, Smedes, in “The art of forgiving” (1996), identifies three stages of forgiving:

1. Rediscovering the humanity of the person who hurt us – this is an important aspect of early rebuilding after an affair
2. Surrendering our right to get even – this will come at the end of the rebuilding period
3. Revising out feelings towards the person we forgive – this too develops during the rebuilding period.

My experience indicates that moving through the process of rebuilding is necessary before couples can truly understand the concept of forgiveness. Apologies and forgiveness on the heels of disclosure block the possibilities for growth, rebuilding, and meaningful forgiveness.

True forgiveness involves doing the hard work in processing the affair and rebuilding the relationship.