When to say you are “sorry”

Every couple is going to have disagreements, arguments and maybe even a few knock down drag outs, and all will be well, but I promise you, there will be times when a line has been crossed and your only way to mend the wound is by offering an apology.

Why is “I’m Sorry” so hard for some people to say?

I’m pretty sure it’s a pride thing.  When you are willing apologize to someone, you first have to admit that you did something wrong.  And who likes to do that?  Next, you have to put your partner’s feelings above your own, and acknowledge that you have caused harm.  A humbling task.

Pride is a powerful thing to set down.  But if you continually:

-pretend that an offense never happened

-get defensive

-downplay the hurt

-refuse to take ownership of the infraction

-avoid communicating (with the intent of resolution)

… then pride will destroy your trust, intimacy and may even destroy the relationship itself.

Don’t let pride steal the intimacy from your relationship.  Allow yourself to be vulnerable to the fact that you just might be at fault.

Avoiding the conversation is not the same thing as resolving it!!  By pretending the offense never happened will do far more damage in the long run.  You may be able to distract your partner a time or two or charm them into forgetting the offense this time, but believe me, it will catch up to you.  No amount of charm or chocolates are going to save you now!!

So go ahead.  Do the deed.  Don’t put it off any longer.  Take responsibility for hurting your partner’s feelings and do what needs to be done to salve it.  Not sure how to go about it?

Here are a few tips:

– Just start by saying it.  I’m sorry.  (That will get their attention!) But don’t stop there…

-address the problem (I’m sorry for…)  Let your partner know that you are acknowledging the unhappy emotions you caused.  This, usually means more than anything else you can say.  Try to identify with your partner’s feelings.  It may not seem like a big deal to you, but it is to your partner.  Don’t argue your point, use this as a chance to try and understand.

-really make an effort to say and show how you are going to change in the future in case a similar situation arises.  What’s the point of apologizing if you have no intention to change? Make sure your partner knows you regret causing the pain and that you sincerely want to work toward a resolution.

-ask for forgiveness.  These words are truly humbling and powerful.  By asking for forgiveness, it shows that you are choosing to start again with different behaviors.  It encourages trust.

-do what you say.  Trust grows when you demonstrate the changes in your actions and behaviors that will benefit the relationship.

When NOT to say “I’m sorry”

-when you don’t mean it anyway and you’re just trying to “move things along”.

-not every conflict requires an apology- just be sensitive to times when you know you have crossed the line.  You’ll know.  You’ll feel it.  And if you don’t, the silence will usually let you know.

-if you’re just going to deflect it.  (When you actually turn the offense back on your partner- guilt)  “I’m sorry if you think….” or “I wouldn’t have ____ if you hadn’t ___” “It’s not my fault if you took it that way…”

-if you’re just going to take your partner down with you.  “I’m sorry, but remember that time when you did ___ to me?”

-and worst of all, if you’re just going to repeat the same offense time and again.

Sometimes it may take a few hours or maybe even a few days before the emotions settle down and you can discuss the offense with your partner.  Take that breath.  Don’t storm off or slam doors, just let them know you need a break.  This is not the opportunity to hope they “forget about it”.  If you want to make things right, you’re eventually going to have to address it.  Just do it, and get back to loving.

Sometimes it may take a while to be forgiven.  And that is their right.  If you hurt some one and they need time to grieve, allow them that time.  And when they do come to accept your apology, be gracious.  Don’t hold a grudge or get defensive, allow for reconciliation.

I hope this helps.  Too many relationships are being slowly shifted a part because of the pride that blocks the apology.  We all make mistakes.  Take the responsibility to own up to yours.  Make things right, make the changes and grow closer together.

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www.elizabethbourgeret.com

Elizabeth Bourgeret. An author, motivational and inspirational speaker. An instructor with over twenty-five years of experience working with kids. A relational coach helping people get along better with their spouses, children, co-workers and friends.

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