Why married men cheat 

Things are rapidly deteriorating around my house based on my affair.  I would like to give you an overview and explain why married men cheat

My situation:

I am 46, my wife is 43. We have been married for 15.3 years, and been together for 20 years. We have three children under the age of 14, and she is a stay at home mother.  I am seen by our peers, our family, and friends as very honest, very upstanding and moral.  People would probably think our family and marriage are close to “perfect”.

I have been cheating on my wife since Dec 2012.  I was caught January 6th, 2013, following ongoing suspicion.   This is not the only time I have had an infidelity issue.  The affair was phone/text/skype from Dec 2012-July 2013, following an initial meeting of the woman (I’ll call her Eve), and then it went physical in July 2013.  At the time the affair started my wife was diagnosed with a form of cancer.

How the affair began

We met on my flight back from Canada at the end of July. It was at the connection in Cleveland. I was upgraded to first class as there were no other coach class seats left as my flight was late getting into Cleveland and I think they gave away my seat. I sat next to her on the plane. We had a couple of drinks on the flight, flirted a bit on the plane and then exchanged phone numbers.
She was married, second husband, and I think had two kids of her own, and maybe her husband had one too. I didn’t get to know her too well. We met for a drink shortly after I got home at a bar. We ended up going back to her truck and started to have sex, but did not finish. I asked if I needed to wear a condom and she said no.  In the next couple of days I went to her house and we had sex on the couch. I brought her to the house and we had sex on the floor in the play room upstairs. One night I rented a room at the Venetian and we had sex once. She left afterwards and went home, probably about 11pm. The whole thing lasted about 1-2 weeks. I have not seen her or talked to her since. I think I wanted to prove I could “score”. I think all because of my ego.

I spoke/texted with Eve a lot, and our “relationship” advanced very quickly to something that could be seen as very intense from an outsiders perspective.  “Love” was discussed and declared very early with Eve.  I used the same words and ways to express to Eve as I did to my wife.

My Wife Knew I Was Acting Differently

My wife has told me that she was suspicious, then pursued a service to determine if I was cheating. She says she tapped into my email and text records. She says she has a voluminous record of texts and emails. She says she has read some, but not all. At virtually the same time, she received a letter from the husband of Eve that informed her of the affair. He knew some details, she knows some, and now the two of them are talking and emailing and discussing details daily.

The Fall Out

My wife is completely devastated, and feels that our entire life is a lie.

My wife has expressed how all I have written to her about us is completely empty, my wife says I completely take her for granted, I do not value her opinion, I keep her out of our financial situation and understanding, I make her feel undervalued and underappreciated, that I do not respect her, I am cheap when dealing with her, but not with others, I am completely self centered and an egomaniac,  and that my life is a complete façade so that people think we look good and happy.

She has torn up letters I have written to her about us, she has smashed photos of us, she has removed all photos of us from our room, she has given me back our engagement/wedding ring, and any jewelry I have given her.  She has just had a follow up surgery (for the cancer) and her mother is here.  Her mother does not know about the affair, but knows there are severe marriage issues.  I am sleeping on a couch, and I don’t think anyone knows about that.

She does not have expensive tastes and works hard to manage the money she spends, and the money we have available.  I sometimes spend money on something I want and not tell her. She does not want our kids to grow up like me, she does not want to be associated with the type of person I am.

The Truth

I have been very unsupportive to my wife over the last year or so, I have been disengaged with her. I have put way too much time and effort into Eve. I have also been misleading to Eve in how I think this situation to move into something else. I expressed how I thought it really could not work, but maybe after our kids are grown, there is a chance for us. This is not what I ultimately want. What I want is to be a loving father, and loving, caring, compassionate, thoughtful husband.

I take fully responsibility for my own inability to communicate my desires for intimacy. I felt too selfish to ask my wife for her affections at the end of her day, after looking after the home and the three children. I did not think for one minute I would feel the way I did about Eve, however I quickly acknowledged how I had suppressed my own needs over the past two decades to accommodate my wives. Eve made me feel alive and sexual, desired and loved. I now feel depressed knowing this feeling may never happen again in my world.

Withheld by Request

Henderson, NV