Affair Type 3 – Philanderer Affair

Also known as: The “Sexist” Player, Womanizer, or Casanova

One of the most complex and damaging forms of infidelity is the Philanderer Affair. This type of affair is not merely an act of betrayal but reflects deeply ingrained attitudes and behaviors that can significantly undermine the foundation of a marriage. Understanding the dynamics of the philanderer offers critical insights into the motivations behind infidelity and how it affects both partners.

Overview of the Philanderer Affair

Philanderers typically engage in sexual conquests without any emotional attachment to their partners. This behavior is often driven by an insatiable need for validation and a distorted understanding of masculinity. Here are some key characteristics of the philanderer affair:

1. Conquest-Oriented: For philanderers, partners are often seen as conquests rather than individuals. This attitude minimizes the emotional connection, as the primary focus is on the thrill of seduction and the pursuit itself.
2. Multiple Sexual Partners: Philanderers may feel a constant need for new sexual experiences to validate their masculinity. They often commit to one partner, such as a spouse, but are simultaneously drawn to a steady change of partners, requiring variety to maintain their interest.
3. Sexist Attitudes: Many philanderers harbor traditional, sexist views, believing women exist to serve men. This mindset not only dehumanizes their partners but also reinforces their own self-image based on dominance and power.
4. Rejection of Monogamy: Philanderers do not believe in the principles of monogamy. They see it as a constraint rather than a commitment and often view the boundaries of marriage as negotiable, based on their desires.
5. Manipulation and Charm: Seduction becomes a game for them, where charm and manipulation are tools used to fulfill their desires without regard for the emotions of those they involve.
6. Lack of Guilt: Philanderers typically do not experience significant guilt over their affairs, viewing them as inconsequential or even justified. This detachment can lead to a cycle of infidelity, as they continue to engage in such behaviors without remorse.
7. Resistance to Change: Even when faced with the consequences of their actions, philanderers often resist the idea of changing their behavior. They may see therapy or counseling as unnecessary, preferring to maintain their lifestyle.

Consequences of the Philanderer Affair

1. Erosion of Trust: The emotional fallout for the betrayed partner is significant. A philanderer’s actions break trust and can lead to feelings of deep betrayal and insecurity in the relationship. Many partners may begin to doubt not only their spouse’s fidelity but also their worth.
2. Emotional Trauma: For the betrayed partner, discovering infidelity can lead to intense feelings of humiliation and inadequacy. The emotional trauma can erode self-esteem and lead to long-term psychological impacts, including anxiety and depression.
3. Cycle of Betrayal: Without addressing the underlying issues and compulsions that drive philanderer behavior, there is potential for a repeating cycle of infidelity. The philanderer may continue to seek validation outside the relationship, further damaging their marriage.
4. Breakdown of Communication: The lack of honesty surrounding the affair can lead to a breakdown in communication, making it difficult for both partners to engage in meaningful dialogue about their needs and concerns.

ABOUT PHILANDERERS

The phil in philanderer means “love” and a philanderer’s love never seems to stop. “So many ladies, so little time…” — That may just be the motto of the quintessential philanderer, those delightful serial womanizers who specialize in brief affairs of the carnal kind.

Philandering is a predominantly male activity. Philanderers take up infidelity as a hobby. Philanderers are likely to have a rigid and concrete concept of gender; they worship masculinity, and while they may be greatly attracted to women, they are mostly interested in having the woman affirm their masculinity. They don’t really like women, and they certainly don’t want an equal, intimate relationship with a member of the gender they insist is inferior, but far too powerful. They see women as dangerous, since women have the ability to assess a man’s worth, to measure him and find him wanting, to determine whether he is man enough.

These men may or may not like sex, but they use it compulsively to affirm their masculinity and overcome both their homophobia and their fear of women. They can be cruel, abusive, and even violent to women who try to get control of them and stop the philandering they consider crucial to their masculinity. Their life is centered around displays of masculinity, however they define it, trying to impress women with their physical strength, competitive victories, seductive skills, mastery of all situations, power, wealth, and, if necessary, violence. Some of them are quite charming and have no trouble finding women eager to be abused by them.

Gay men can philander too, and the dynamics are the same for gay philanderers as for straight ones: the obvious avoidance of female sexual control, but also preoccupation with masculinity and the use of rampant sexuality for both reassurance and the measurement of manhood. When men have paid such an enormous social and interpersonal price for their preferred sexuality, they are likely to wrap an enormous amount of their identity around their sexuality and express that sexuality extensively.

Philanderers may be the sons of philanderers, or they may have learned their ideas about marriage and gender from their ethnic group or inadvertently from their religion. Somewhere they have gotten the idea that their masculinity is their most valuable attribute and it requires them to protect themselves from coming under female control. These guys may consider themselves quite principled and honorable, and they may follow the rules to the letter in their dealings with other men. But in their world women have no rights.

To men they may seem normal, but women experience them as narcissistic or even sociopathic. They think they are normal, that they are doing what every other real man would do if he weren’t such a wimp. The notions of marital fidelity, of gender equality, of honesty and intimacy between husbands and wives seem quite foreign from what they learned growing up. The gender equality of monogamy may not feel compatible to men steeped in patriarchal beliefs in men being gods and women being ribs. Monogamous sexuality is difficult for men who worship Madonnas for their sexlessness and berate Eves for their seductiveness.

Philanderers’ sexuality is fueled by anger and fear, and while they may be considered “sex addicts” they are really “gender compulsives” desperately doing whatever they think will make them look and feel most masculine. They put notches on their belts in hopes it will make their penises grow bigger. If they can get a woman to die for them, like opera composer Giacomo Puccini did in real life and in most of his operas, they feel like a real man.

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• The Philanderers Wife
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Female Philanderers

There are female philanderers too, and they too are usually the daughters or ex-wives of philanderers. They are angry at men, because they believe all men screw around as their father or ex-husband did. A female philanderer is not likely to stay married for very long, since that would require her to make peace with a man, and as a woman to carry more than her share of the burden of marriage. Marriage grounds people in reality rather than transporting them into fantasy, so marriage is too loving, too demanding, too realistic, and not romantic enough for them.

I hear stories of female philanderers, such as Maria Riva’s description of her mother, Marlene Dietrich. They appear to have insatiable sexual appetites but, on closer examination, they don’t like sex much. They do like power over men, and underneath the philandering anger, they are plaintively seeking love.

Straying wives are rarely philanderers, but single women who mess around with married men are quite likely to be. Female philanderers prefer to raid other people’s marriages, breaking up relationships, doing as much damage as possible, and then dancing off reaffirmed. Like male philanderers, female philanderers put their victims through all of this just to give themselves a sense of gender power.

Treatment and Recovery Strategies

1. Commitment to Change: For recovery to occur, the philanderer must take full responsibility for their actions and acknowledge the pain inflicted on their partner. They must demonstrate a willingness to modify their behavior and respect the boundaries of their relationship.

2. Professional Counseling: Couples therapy can provide a safe environment for both partners to explore the dynamics that contributed to the affair. A qualified therapist can help facilitate communication, address underlying issues, and rebuild trust.

3. Reestablishing Boundaries: Couples need to work together to set clear boundaries that define acceptable behavior within the relationship. This establishes a framework for accountability and mutual respect.

4. Open Communication: Regularly scheduled discussions allow both partners to express their feelings and concerns. Creating a culture of vulnerability and openness can help mitigate feelings of disconnection and rebuild emotional intimacy. For example, setting aside time each week for a “relationship check-in” can encourage honest dialogue and provide both partners with an opportunity to discuss any worries or needs they may have.

5. Focus on rebuilding intimacy: After an affair, it’s crucial for couples to work on rebuilding their emotional and physical intimacy. Engaging in shared activities, date nights, or exploring new experiences together can help rekindle the connection that may have been lost or weakened. Intimacy is not solely physical; it encompasses emotional closeness, trust, and mutual understanding.

6. Building a Support System: Both partners may benefit from external support. The betrayed partner may find comfort in talking to friends, family, or support groups that understand their situation. Meanwhile, the philanderer may also benefit from talking to someone about their behavior and motivations. This reinforcement can help both individuals feel less isolated during the healing process.

Navigating the Road to Recovery

Recovery from a philanderer affair is a challenging journey that requires genuine commitment, honesty, and courage from both partners. Each partner must navigate their own emotions while recognizing the broader context of their relationship. Here is a fictional example that illustrates this recovery process:

Example:
Jessica and Tom, married for eight years, find themselves at a crossroads after Tom’s involvement in a philanderer affair becomes evident. Jessica feels crushed by the betrayal, struggling to reconcile her love for Tom with the pain he has caused. After an emotional confrontation, Tom expresses remorse and agrees to attend counseling.

During therapy, it becomes clear that Tom’s father was unfaithful, which instilled in him a sense of entitlement to pursue multiple partners without regard for their feelings. As they progress through therapy, Jessica learns to express her needs and feelings openly, while Tom begins to confront the patterns of behavior that led to his infidelity. They commit to regular communication sessions, where they can discuss their feelings safely and establish expectations moving forward.

Over time, they engage in shared activities such as cooking classes and weekend hikes, gradually rebuilding their emotional and physical connection while creating new memories together. As they work through the healing process, both Jessica and Tom understand that true recovery requires ongoing effort and a shared commitment to change.

Conclusion

Understanding the dynamics and consequences of the philanderer affair allows individuals and couples to navigate the complexities of infidelity with greater awareness. The journey involves unearthing deep-seated issues, fostering open communication, and actively participating in the healing process. Couples like Jessica and Tom demonstrate that with dedication, honesty, and a willingness to change, it is possible to rebuild trust and intimacy after the turmoil of infidelity.

Through a sturdy foundation of communication, consistent effort, and a commitment to mutual respect, couples can redefine their relationships, emerging stronger and more connected than ever. As difficult as this journey may be, it offers a unique opportunity for growth and transformation for both partners involved.