Unlike the “One Night Stand”, this type of affair often indicates a deeper problem in the marriage. Let me be clear – the marital problem is not the cause of the affair, but there are defects that at the very least, serve as inhibitors to the betrayer’s motivations to consider working on the marriage.
Also known as:
Romantic Affair
Mid-Life Crisis
Coming Out Affair
“The 2nd most difficult affair type to recover from is the Self-Self Affair. The choice between the loyal and stable wife V the emotional connection and friendship of the 3rd party is a true challenge. Many will choose to leave the marriage for a chance to find a deeper emotional connection with another partner. The survival of the marriage hinges on the ability for the individuals to authentically express their deepest desires, and re-connect on an emotional level.”
- Vulnerability comes from need for affection & attention
- The 3rd party provides more than just sex, but a deeper emotional connection – making the person feel “alive” and special or needed.
- The focus has not been on the marriage but the happiness and needs of the family or responsibility.
- The marriage typically revolved around the children/ (or Business, Lifestyle)
- Defined relationship roles – “The Great Family Man” “The Perfect Mother”
- Little, if any, attention to marriage enrichment
Chance of Relationship Survival = 50/50
Romantic Infidelity
Surely the craziest and most destructive form of infidelity is the temporary insanity of falling in love. You do this, not when you meet somebody wonderful (wonderful people don’t screw around with married people) but when you are going through a crisis in your own life, can’t continue living your life, and aren’t quite ready for suicide yet.
An affair with someone grossly inappropriate—someone decades younger or older, someone dependent or dominating, someone with problems even bigger than your own—is so crazily stimulating that it’s like a drug that can lift you out of your depression and enable you to feel things again. Of course, between moments of ecstasy, you are more depressed, increasingly alone and alienated in your life, and increasingly hooked on the affair partner.
Ideal romance partners are damsels or “dumsels” in distress, people without a life but with a lot of problems, people with bad reality testing and little concern with understanding reality better.
Romantic affairs lead to a great many divorces, suicides, homicides, heart attacks, and strokes, but not to very many successful remarriages. No matter how many sacrifices you make to keep the love alive, no matter how many sacrifices your family and children make for this crazy relationship, it will gradually burn itself out when there is nothing more to sacrifice to it. Then you must face not only the wreckage of several lives, but the original depression from which the affair was an insane flight into escape.
People are most likely to get into these romantic affairs at the turning points of life: when their parents die or their children grow up; when they suffer health crises or are under pressure to give up an addiction; when they achieve an unexpected level of job success or job failure; or when their first child is born—any situation in which they must face a lot of reality and grow up. The better the marriage, the saner and more sensible the spouse, the more alienated the romantic is likely to feel. Romantic affairs happen in good marriages even more often than in bad ones.
Both genders seem equally capable of falling into the temporary insanity of romantic affairs, though women are more likely to reframe anything they do as having been done for love. Women in love are far more aware of what they are doing and what the dangers might be. Men in love can be extraordinarily incautious and willing to give up everything. Men in love lose their heads—at least for a while.
How does the “Romantic Affair” affair type begin?
The romantic affair begins when one spouse, most often the husband, develops a strong relationship with a third party. Examples, from working with Self Self affair types in my own clinic, have the following Top 3 Places where these Romantic Affairs begin:
- The workplace
- Church/Religious congregations
- Hired help – eg Nannies, prostitutes, personal assistants
The 3rd person is typically:
- Younger, by 10 to 20 years
- Female, who had a difficult or challenging childhood.
- Was hired to perform a role, or works under the unfaithful spouse in a community/church project. It begins as a “one up/one down” relationship type.
The 3rd party is sweet and conversational, offering compliments and genuine interest in all the cheating spouse has to say and do. The cheating spouse has not received this amount of personal interest for some time, if ever, and engages the 3rd party in conversation. A mutually beneficial friendship evolves, and this couple shares their feelings on personal likes and dislikes. They get to KNOW each other. The cheating spouse feels alive and connected to the 3rd person, as she truly “gets him” for who he is in the present moment. He doesn’t need to fulfill a role of husband/Dad/provider. The 3rd person has now taken over the fulfillment of conversation, intimacy, friendship, recreational fulfillment, and much more.
The feeling of “feeling alive” is highly addictive. For many, it is worth giving up ones job, business, position/status, family, and marriage. “You only live once,” maybe the deciding mantra of the cheating spouse, choosing to divorce the stable marriage, over the chance to feel emotional connection to another human & life!
Romantic Affairs are intense.
Of all the basic types of affairs, none is so crazy as falling in love with someone who is not your spouse. Often the romantic affair partner is someone much younger, someone with even bigger problems than our own, or with a lifestyle that is filled with the excitement that we feel has been missing from our lives.
The Split Selves have tried to do marriage right. Both spouses have sacrificed their own feelings and needs to take care of others, and the deprivation has caught up with one of them.
The affair is serious, long-term and passionate. The spouse who is having the affair focuses on deciding between the marriage and the affair partner and avoids looking at the inner split.
The Great Challenge for the Unfaithful partner: Choosing the lover or the wife/husband
The Mid-Life Crisis Situation
This type of affair is characterized by two individuals who believe they are “in love”.
With this type, the betrayer believes that he or she has fallen in love, and feels powerless over powerful emotions. It is not uncommon for the betrayer to feel guilty over what they are doing, but at the same time they feel they are no longer in love with their spouse and know that they will never be happy unless they are with their lover.
This type of relationship frequently develops from an existing friendship that begins to deepen as the boundaries between the two individuals weaken.
In fact, the power driving the relationship is the strong emotions generated by the growing romance. In this type of affair, the betrayer has most likely made the decision to leave their marriage. They realize that they can never be happy unless they get to be with the one they love.
Unlike the “One Night Stand”, this type of affair often indicates a deeper problem in the marriage. Let me be clear – the marital problem is not the cause of the affair, but there are defects that at the very least, serve as inhibitors to the betrayer’s motivations to consider working on the marriage.
The Coming Out Situation
The split self-affair is an attempt to experience the emotional self that has been denied over a lifetime in the service of doing things right. Love had little to do with their marriage because the mantra was – “make it work”.
These men may never have had a strong emotional bond with their wives, and married to gain security all status, or to get away from home. In some cases, they were forced to marry to legitimize a child already on the way, or because it seemed to be what they should do.
Some men finally admit they are gay, however married a woman for one reason or another. The term “gay” was not popular 10+ years ago, and those men who had “feelings” for other men, did not have the support system or education to process their feelings. They married and had children with the best of intentions. Now the children are older, they need to decide on “doing the right thing” by the family/wife, or being authentic to themselves. The search is for authentic emotional connection.
Characteristics:
- Typically, this type of affair is a long-term relationship that has developed into a romance.
- Frequently, there is a pattern of the betrayer swinging back and forth between the marriage and the affair partner. When they are at home trying to do what is right, they are miserable and feel they will never be happy. When they are with their affair partner, they are ecstatic, but may be feeling so guilty that they can’t stand it so they move back home only to feel miserable and to realize once again that they can never be happy unless they go back to the affair partner. This dance of insanity can continue for years.
- The betrayer often seems incapable of making a decision as to what they are going to do. Even though the betrayer doesn’t want to be in the marriage, other factors may keep them from choosing to divorce. For example, feelings of guilt or of failure may cause them to stay. There may also be strong feelings regarding what is best for the kids, so they may decide to stay for the children. A lack of commitment to the marriage, but choosing not to leave, is not the solution to a country club affair.
Gender Differences in Romantic Affairs
This is the classic “torn between two lovers” scenario about which songs, movies and romance novels rely upon for their lyrics and plots. In this case, a person feels as if they are in love with two people at the same time and do not really want to give either one up. When confronted, they often respond by claiming they want a divorce to pursue the affair relationship. Few actually follow through with this idea, however. What they want is the marriage and the affair. It is usually little more than an attempt to leverage the spouse who confronted them into accepting the idea of allowing them to continue both relationships.
If a romantic affair is discovered and confronted early enough, or if the cheating spouse does not see it as a replacement for the marriage, or the affair has not been justified by turning the marriage into Hell on Earth, even romantic affairs, especially the conflicted romantic affair can result in reconciliation.
Ignoring the infidelity once discovered or being so out of touch with your spouse that your first sign of trouble is when you come home to find the house empty is not very likely to result in keeping the marriage intact.
Incorrect!! He was my soulmate wayyyyy before he married her! We go back 40 years and reconnected in 2022… All I had to say was hello on Messenger, wow it’s been 40 years! and within 6 hours he was asking where I was, did I still live in our mutual hometown, what was my number, and could he call me!!n That started the whole thing and he made plans to travel back home within 2 months… The rest is a yearlong history along with an affair that certainly was never planned!! We did not set out to have an affair, after 40 years apart who knew we would still instantly be a pure connection????
Pure . How can you use the word pure. You selfish self serving bitch. I don’t care how long you knew this man before he had a wife . You stay away . Your affair was slimy , selfish sordid and stinking like all affairs the opposite of pure . You didn’t set out to have an affair is bull shit . You don’t accidentally have an affair. You can’t help getting an itch but you don’t have to scratch it.
My husband admitted to the affair in 2016, continued communication with this person (a childhood crush) for over a year after he said it was over. I found out and demanded that it stop. At the time I was in a major depression dealing with chronic pain, so literally put this affair away to deal with later. I do believe that the affair stopped for a year or two, fast forward to 2020. I am finally healthy enough to deal with the affair, I start looking into his phone ect… I find many disturbing things, it also appears that after I started looking and/or was well enough to deal with the affair after 2 months he is back in contact with her again and has been up until today. I have found sooo much evidence and I know it soul, bone deep. I even left the marriage for 8 months. (Circumstances beyond my control put me in a situation that I had to move back home) I have tried to be kind, caring furious sad, matter of fact with him trying to get him to admit that this is going on so that we can move on together which is what he says he wants. He continues to deny he seems to think if he just denies he can do what he wants and continue with his denial and at some point I am going to miraculously believe him. I know that he loves me we have been married for 39 years we met when he was 22 and I was 17 got pregnant at 18 he stayed we got married 5 years later. We were extremely happy until the last of his immediate family past away. I know he feels alone. I am somewhat trapped do to the cost of living (I am on disability due to depression and chronic pain) He doesn’t want this person as his wife he wants me for that and the affair partner gets his affection. How do I get him to stop the denial. I dont know if the denial is so he can continue the affair or he is afraid if I knew the whole truth I wouldn’t be able to live with it is it self-preservation or protection. I am at a loss…
just discovered that my husband of 22 years has been cheating on me for a long time.,with a woman who is helping him to destroy my life.
I left him in July 2023 for the final time.I had lived in different provinces from him while he worked in Churchill Falls,Labrador.That place is a cesspool.everyone screwing everyone elses spouses.I could not live there it literally drove me to contimplate suicide. I moved and settled in New Brunswick Canada,4 years before he officially retired here. The reason that i left him in July was because at the end of June that stupid asshole brought me to a Doctors appointment ,where I think he thought he could play the doctor.Turns out that 62 year old prick had contracted a STD Gonnereah.He tried to get the doctor to agree with his bullshit that it could be from years ago.But the doctor is a woman and has been taking care of us a long time.She said No this was a flare up from something that had to have happened within the last month.Thank God I had not allowed him to touch me for 6 months.I’m not stupid a woman knows! he did all his love bombing,crying,future promising to me that he had nobody doesnt know how he got it.lol Me having been faithful for all these years,even when I had seperated from him,sooo many times.He just wouldn’t leave me alone.So I was opening up(Not my legs because oh hell No) and giving him just one more shot.On the day Dec 6,2023 I learned my only son was going to die of liver cancer,I also learned he was still cheating.I busted him,a kick in the guts I didn’t need.Now him and his new supply,because he is truly evil,have used my dying son and grandchildren to blow my family to smithereens.I hhave not spoken or seen my dying Son since Dec 15,or my grandchilldren since Christmas Eve morning when they took them away from me,and had everyone abandon me.he was messaging my son outragous lies about things I was doing and saying about him.He is my son’s stepfather who never really paid attention to him unless it benefited him.he has pretty much cleaned out our marital home,moving it to her house,but claims he lives in our marital home,and stopped me from getting anything.So my advice to you is kick him out!! tell him to go live with her.you will never get an honest answer because he can’t remember what he has already told you. You my Darling will be just fine.GOD wants you to move that deadbeat out of your life,so he can give you the blessings you deserve.He’s not going to give them to him,so get him out of the way now!! feel free to check my facebook Bonnie NewYear and my group.BELIEVE ME I hear you,I see you,I believe in you,you matter. and there is Strength in numbers.you are not alone.
After 16 1/2 years my wife had the accidental affair that lead up to mid life crisis/romantic affair which had almost ended with the exit affair when I found out,We got into an argument and someone called the police and I went to jail,she had persude the exit affair and the third party told her I was going to be locked up for a while and they continued the affair,well I got out 7 days later with charges dropped by the court and she learned a lesson as she found out the third person party had been lying about taking her because when he found out I was out of jail he got scared and dumped her.
She does all the unfaithful spouse characteristic, habitual lying, silent treatment, pushing blame,but claims she love me and wants to stay,but it hurts to be around her and her new behavior.
She started the affair she said she thought it would be fun,which makes no sense when we didn’t have any problems with our relationship.
In spite of that I still let her around me and I try to work to understand what was going on she lies about many of thing’s and doesn’t seem concerned about the marriage and it seems she just wants me to fix things.
If I was to cheat people would say I was wrong,bad, narcissist but when it’s brought up people say I must have done something to make her do it,or something was wrong with the marriage,or I need to understand what she was going through.
Either way it seems like the betrayed will be blamed for something they had nothing to do with it,or even want to happen.
Im sorry help me understand an accidental affair. She put you in jail with no regard to your feelings with the help of new supply.Then when he dumped her she came running back to you. I suggest you do a deep dive into anything you can learn about the narcissist,and you will find YOU ARE NOT THE PROBLEM!! Cut her loose unless you want more pain and misery,because she will do it again. I punched my lying cheating narcissist in the face once,and now I’m wading through court bullshit. Read my comment to Mary Lynn if they post it.
Sally, you did the right thing and I’m sorry it is painful. I would venture to say, that it’s hard to describe someone as your soul mate when you never had a real relationship with him. Maybe it’s the idea of him that you are struggling with. The problem with affairs in general and they are devoid of any responsibility, negotiation and all the other banalities of daily life or the normal things that occur in a relationships. No extended family, no struggles about who takes the kids when or where. No discussion about whether or not you remodel the kitchen or save for retirement. So, I think that they idea of the romance gets idealized. Perhaps a different time and place, it could have worked, but I think there is probably someone better for you, with less baggage that would give you the best chance at long term love.
I am the betrayed. I cannot tell you how painful it is. How it has affected my children. It has changed my life drastically and I’m not sure I will ever recover. I really empathize with what you’re going through, but it’s hard to compare experiences. Please know that you are a good person for doing the hard thing…that will take you much further in life. I truly believe that.
I agree with everything said
Nope… Not what research shows.
Even the best marriages are affected by infidelity. The “long-standing problems in the marriage”, “wife that is not giving enough attention”, “bad match between partners”, blabla… are all attempts to rationalize the bad behaviour of the unfaithful and the 3rd person. It’s deeper than that. But to answer to Sally, the fact that she had been cheated on and betrayed in the past could explain why she behaves this way now.
just discovered that my husband of 22 years has been cheating on me for a long time.,with a woman who is helping him to destroy my life.
I left him in July 2023 for the final time.I had lived in different provinces from him while he worked in Churchill Falls,Labrador.That place is a cesspool.everyone screwing everyone elses spouses.I could not live there it literally drove me to contimplate suicide. I moved and settled in New Brunswick Canada,4 years before he officially retired here. The reason that i left him in July was because at the end of June that stupid asshole brought me to a Doctors appointment ,where I think he thought he could play the doctor.Turns out that 62 year old prick had contracted a STD Gonnereah.He tried to get the doctor to agree with his bullshit that it could be from years ago.But the doctor is a woman and has been taking care of us a long time.She said No this was a flare up from something that had to have happened within the last month.Thank God I had not allowed him to touch me for 6 months.I’m not stupid a woman knows! he did all his love bombing,crying,future promising to me that he had nobody doesnt know how he got it.lol Me having been faithful for all these years,even when I had seperated from him,sooo many times.He just wouldn’t leave me alone.So I was opening up(Not my legs because oh hell No) and giving him just one more shot.On the day Dec 6,2023 I learned my only son was going to die of liver cancer,I also learned he was still cheating.I busted him,a kick in the guts I didn’t need.Now him and his new supply,because he is truly evil,have used my dying son and grandchildren to blow my family to smithereens.I hhave not spoken or seen my dying Son since Dec 15,or my grandchilldren since Christmas Eve morning when they took them away from me,and had everyone abandon me.he was messaging my son outragous lies about things I was doing and saying about him.He is my son’s stepfather who never really paid attention to him unless it benefited him.he has pretty much cleaned out our marital home,moving it to her house,but claims he lives in our marital home,and stopped me from getting anything.So my advice to you is kick him out!! tell him to go live with her.you will never get an honest answer because he can’t remember what he has already told you. You my Darling will be just fine.GOD wants you to move that deadbeat out of your life,so he can give you the blessings you deserve.He’s not going to give them to him,so get him out of the way now!! feel free to check my facebook Bonnie NewYear and my group.BELIEVE ME I hear you,I see you,I believe in you,you matter. and there is Strength in numbers.you are not alone.
I agree. There is no argument that difficulties may be experienced in the relationship but there is right and there is wrong. If your relationship was not providing the emotional, sexual, intellectual, spiritual etc connection then either work on improving those areas or work towards separating in a way that maintains the dignity of both parties to the best of your abilities. Straying and then justifying with feeble excuses causes insurmountable pain. At some point the third-party and/or the infidel (or potential infidel) knows they are crossing a boundary but they continue regardless – it doesn’t cut it for me. I’m sorry they knew and you, me and anyone else in the firing line has become acceptable collateral damage.
It’s hurtful to read, “wonderful people don’t screw around with married people.” I am a third-party in a relationship like this and I’m not a bad person. My husband abandoned me pregnant for another woman, I never dreamed I would be involved in any kind of an affair. It’s the last thing I wanted to be involved in. Our feelings for each other developed very naturally and gradually because we had to spend hours together every week in the same classroom. I didn’t fall in love with him on purpose and we never had sex. It’s easy to say looking back that I should’ve been more guarded but it started very innocently and I never had harmful intention. I am no more guilty than he is. Why is the third-party person always the person to take the majority of the blame? He chose to escalate things when he did. He came to my apartment. He kissed me. I am in love with him and it has ruined my life. We cut off all contact but I still love him as intensely as I ever did. I haven’t seen him in over a year but I’ve loved him for six years. For most of those six years he made all of the contact. He came to my home, he sent me gifts and letters. I never knew when he was coming either, he would just show up unannounced so I could never be emotionally prepared. It emotionally devastated me. Third parties are people too and I am a person who cries every night because my soulmate is gone. Nothing I do has been able to kill the intense love that I feel for him and I am in a constant state of grief. Good people make mistakes and that includes the third parties in situations like these.
Things are never as cut and dry as people like to make out Sally – there is never only one ‘guilty’ person in this situation. So people, who know nothing about the complexities of individual situations have no grounds on which to make cutting comments in order to portray one particular party in a more negative light than others. If a married man has an affair, more than likely, there are things which are seriously wrong in the marriage – things which sometimes the wife chooses to disregard, ignore or is oblivious to. In this sense, there is a responsibility on both sides of the marriage in terms of what has happened. And sometimes the man‘s needs and feelings have been disregarded for many years. So it is not just a case of one person who is to blame. There is a responsibility for what has happened on all sides. The problem is that affairs are so common that a lot of people have experienced hurt from this sort of thing themselves at some point in their lives, or they know someone close to them who has, so you are very rarely going to come across someone who is on completely neutral ground. But rest assured that the responsibility in terms of what has happened is more likely to be a three-way split, rather than just yours alone. Hope that helps.
Yes let’s blamed the cheated on. The wife obviously is to blame. This comment reeks of ignorance or self justification.
I have been begging my husband for 2 years to recommit to the family. Yes we had issues but I wasn’t sticking my head in the sand. I was the one begging for hom to realize we still existed. He decided I was just the nagging wife always on his case requesting that he stop his emotional affair when it started 6 months ago. He stopped for about 2 months and then as I was working through the pain of that he went back and started and physical affair.
So yes we had issues he just refused to acknowledge that he wasn’t making me feel safe or secure in our relationship so of course I wasn’t going to have sex with him.
Wonderful people DO get in situations like this every day! Emotion and feelings are not things which can be controlled as easy as that .
Don’t put yourself in that situation in the first place. The solution knew he was married and even when he broke off contact she kept reaching out. As a couple we decided that they job she wanted him to do was to much money to ignore. The first day on the job she started flirting. That is not behavior of a good person.
It is the married person who is at fault. However, third parties should not hit on married people. As for not being able to control your feelings ? I would say grow up. What about the feelings of other parties that are innocent in all this, such as children ?? If you don’t want to be with someone and you are married, get a divorce before you start playing around and spare everybody a lot of pain.
Hah….the divorce causes the kids just as much pain. If you’re married with kids, you just need to suck it up and focus on them…..if for no other reason than not to randomly uproot their social lives and make them paranoid of changetting in the future.
What I’m saying is the divorce that up roots your life and usually causes like 90% of the harm to the kids that cheating does imo, with the only difference being whether you end up respecting your parents or not years later.
The harm to the kids from cheating usually comes later–in the form of family courts often mandating split custody with the child’s very own home wrecker.
You are correct, good people make mistakes. I am the wife of a man who is having an affair. His affair partner was married until a year into the affair. They have a child (underage). Both families had marriages of 25+ years each. Although there is enough finger pointing to go around here, I am in agreement, you don’t screw around with married people. You were single, he was not. That is an off-limits situation. Their affair started as an emotional affair (in a school like yours) and grew from their. It is an addiction that he is working through. She (the third party) is also addicted and is being manipulative therefore, he is struggling even more to not be a ‘split’ person. A man who lived with integrity and core values, he altered those when he met her. So, back to your point. Good people make mistakes too. Yes, it is not that the good person made the mistake, it is how they move forward once they realized they have ‘crossed the line’ that poses the my challenge with your comment. I can even go as far as to say ‘once is oops’ meaning, I felt attracted to another person, or I flirted, or even I kissed another person. Now what are you going to do. That is the question and that is where my line is drawn. Best.
I’m sorry, but you ARE a bad person. Blame the cheated on? I don’t think so. While an unhappy marriage can undoubtedly be attributed to both spouses, it is a conscious CHOICE of the cheater to go down the extremely unhealthy path of infidelity. And if the 3rd party knows there is a marriage, than his/her attachment to the married person is inexcusable. The cheated on spouse has no power in this situation. It actually lies with the 3rd party. If you don’t want to be labelled the mistress, home-wrecker, affair partner or any other choice titles, and be ostracized by friends and family, don’t get involved with a married person. You think you are in pain because you love this person? It is NOTHING in comparison with what the cheated on spouse has to go through, and the children. Get over yourself. You have NO IDEA the damage you are causing.
You call him your soul mate. He never belonged to you if he was married. You willing crossed a line that any respeable person would not do. A married person is NOT available. He was certainly never your soul mate. He was a married man.
Bull shit. Even if a woman is an absolute bitch to her husband he should call her out and speak to her. There is never an excuse to betray your spouse. My husband died. I found out about two weeks later letters that show he had been having an affair for about 4 years. I never asked him for anything. Never nagged and encouraged him in his career and was happy for him to spend time with friends. We were happy for 34 years. When I injured my back and had bad menopause he started and affair with a much younger woman who came on to him in work. It was only then that the marriage struggled. I got very ill ( cancer ) and he said as bile the me ,He taught himself to hate and resent me to justify his affair to himself
Sally what a BS response. There is zero excuse for knowingly being a third party. You allowed yourself to cross lines that you knew were inappropriate. As a third party when you tell the person you are developing feelings for that you can’t be ‘the lover’ and that you will be available when they get divorced. It’s the only acceptable and honorable way. All you did was justify yours and his actions based on your selfish desires. You lost you morals and cared more about yourself than the people you were hurting. You are accountable. There are too many other people out there to be ruining families. I would never allow myself to even get to the point of developing feelings for anyone outside of maybe admiration. People who are married are off limits. So you may feel you are a good person but the reality is you aren’t. I would say you acted like a bad person but you made a mistake and haven’t continued it. So you learned and would never do it again. BUT! You kept it going for 6 years. That what selfish, entitled people do. You can’t trust those people because they will justify their actions regardless of the realities. If someone can’t divorce or leave their significant other for you….well then that says enough about how they feel about you. And besides, you wouldn’t trust that person if you started a real relationship anyway. So to sum it up, I don’t care if you are hurt by true comments. It should make you look in the mirror and ask yourself who you want to be. You didn’t care about the other people you were hurting. Why should anyone care about you? Clean it up!!!!
Sally: Have you ever heard of the ability to say no? What a load of defensive garbage you spewed out there.
You are a bad person. For sleeping with someone married. Period.
True that not much is out there for the third party. You need to feel good alone. Then try with someone new.
Sally, you are just as much to blame as your affair partner. He chose you because you were the damsel in distress and he was broken. Instead of dealing with your own heartbreak over your husband abandoning you, you latched onto the first person to show you interest. You both were avoiding. I’m sorry that you experienced the awful heartbreak of your husbands betrayal. But you turned around and were a party to someone else’s betrayal. There are instances where the 3rd party is unaware of the left behind spouse. But that is not the case here.
You had been cheated on yourself yet you were willing to put another person through the same pain. If you are hurting now good you deserve to. You are not a good person. If anything you are worse than most people who get involved with married men because you know how hurtful it is to be cheated on .
My husband liked to get online chats with women in an area close to send pics and talk dirty nd was excited about the chase but once the women gave in on these ni strings attached online chats he was finished….that has happened to me a few times and it came to where it happen with two or more women inappropriately in real life as such they could have any time had sex…friend of a friend I knew of but didn’t know. She was at his friends house
I’m sure nobody wants this answer, once a cheater always a cheater the damage is done and boundaries
Have been crossed. You get married with a 100% Trust when that breaks how do you rebuild it over
Again. As much as you think you love someone trust is the foundation and without that it slowly crumbles
Around you. From experience once the wife/husband has strayed staying with them is more painful the
Insecurities feeling worthless feeling unattractive. Just walk and don’t put yourself through the pain. The
Big question is why did they do it and the answer is they don’t care about loosing what they have. Once a
Cheater always a cheater. What comes around goes around Karma is a Bitch.
I agree. There is no argument that difficulties may be experienced in the relationship but there is right and there is wrong. If your relationship was not providing the emotional, sexual, intellectual, spiritual etc connection then either work on improving those areas or work towards separating in a way that maintains the dignity of both parties to the best of your abilities. Straying and then justifying with feeble excuses causes insurmountable pain. At some point the third-party and/or the infidel (or potential infidel) knows they are crossing a boundary but they continue regardless – it doesn’t cut it for me. I’m sorry they knew and you, me and anyone else in the firing line has become acceptable collateral damage.
My wife had One of these affairs online but the affair partner turned out to be a military romance scammer. We have since reconciled and are trying to put this nightmare behind us .