Type 6: The Exit Affair

The Exit Affair is a particularly complex and emotionally charged type of infidelity that often serves as a precursor to divorce. Unlike accidental affairs, the Exit Affair is characterized by a built-up sense of dissatisfaction and unresolved issues within the marriage that leads one partner to seek emotional or physical connection elsewhere. This affair is usually initiated long before the relationship actually ends, as the straying partner has often been contemplating leaving their spouse for quite some time.

Common triggers for Exit Affairs can include significant life milestones or transitions, such as children leaving home, the end of a career, or personal revelations regarding sexual orientation. In many cases, a spouse may feel trapped in a marriage that no longer meets their emotional needs and may have been waiting for the “right time” to pursue their desires.

The Conflict of Choice

One of the most challenging aspects of the Exit Affair is the emotional conflict faced by the unfaithful spouse. They are often torn between their loyalty to their spouse and the allure of a new emotional connection. Their decisions are not based merely on physical attraction but are influenced by a deeper yearning for fulfillment and connection. When the affair is uncovered, the unfaithful partner frequently states, “I’ve toyed with this idea for many years, and I finally decided to do it.” This underscores the protracted thought process that can lead to their actions, highlighting the emotional and psychological complexities involved.

Characteristics of the Exit Affair

1. Ongoing Emotional Detachment:
   • The unfaithful partner may feel emotionally distant from their spouse, which can prompt them to seek comfort and validation from someone else. This detachment is not merely situational; it often reflects deep-seated issues within the marital relationship itself.

   Example:
   Laura feels increasingly isolated in her marriage to Kevin, whose constant work commitments leave little room for intimacy or emotional sharing. Over time, she starts confiding in a close friend, Sam, which gradually deepens into an emotional affair, marking a shift in her priorities as her needs go unaddressed at home.

2. Redefining Relationships:
   • The Exit Affair often serves as a mechanism for the unfaithful spouse to redefine how they view commitment and connection. The presence of the affair partner may validate their feelings and affirm their desire to pursue a change in lifestyle, often leading them to believe that happiness lies elsewhere.

   Example:
   Alan, married to Rachel for over a decade, starts an affair with his college friend, Mia, who understands his frustrations with his life and career. This emotional connection allows Alan to fantasize about the life he wishes he could have, leading him to contemplate leaving Rachel to pursue his desires.

3. Tension and Conflict Avoidance:
   • The emotional turmoil of maintaining two relationships can create significant tension. The Exit Affair partner often finds it challenging to navigate conflict with their spouse, leading to passive-aggressive behavior or avoidance strategies instead of open discussions.

   Example:
   Jenna feels trapped in a stale marriage with Dave, who is increasingly demanding yet dismissive of her feelings. Rather than confront him about her dissatisfaction, she discreetly engages in an affair with a coworker. Instead of resolving their issues, Jenna uses the affair to escape reality without addressing the discontent at home.

4. Fear of Abandonment:
   • As they contemplate leaving their marriage, the unfaithful partner may also grapple with a fear of abandonment. They might worry about the consequences of their actions, creating a paradox where they feel the need to leave yet are afraid of the emotional fallout such a decision may bring.

   Example:
   During a mid-life crisis, Patrick becomes involved with a much younger woman, seeking the affirmation he once felt in his marriage. Despite the excitement of the affair, he is terrified of hurtling toward divorce, especially as his long-term marriage is filled with memories and emotional ties.

5. The Role of Societal Expectations:
   • References to societal expectations often complicate the dynamics of an Exit Affair. Many individuals wrestling with their circumstances may feel pressured by cultural norms regarding marriage and monogamy. This conflict can lead to feelings of guilt and shame, further complicating their decision-making process.

   Example:
   Emma, feeling constrained by traditional marital expectations, begins an affair with a fellow parent from her child’s school. Although she finds freedom and excitement in her affair, societal pressures regarding family stability and fidelity weigh heavily on her mind. These conflicting feelings heighten her internal struggle, adding layers to her emotional conflict.

The Exit Affair presents a complex interplay of emotional detachment, conflicting desires, and societal pressures. Understanding this type of affair is crucial for partners navigating the intricacies of infidelity. For recovery to occur, both partners must engage in honest conversations about their needs and the underlying issues that led to the affair.