IRI classifies infidelity into 7 Affair Types. Each affair type is very different. Only a person that cheated can understand their personal motives. You may find it challenging to align yourself to one of these affair types. For example, sexual addiction is a media favorite to describe a person with a strong sex drive, and who cheats. However, sexual addiction has a medical definition, and a specific treatment program. The desire for sex and cheating does not equal a label of “sex addict.”
Before you begin answering, you may want to know an affair can begin as one affair type, but evolve into another affair type. For example, a one-night stand can become a romantic affair time if the couple does not do any relationship repair work after discovery of the affair. A Cheating person often will not work on the relationship issues until they have to e.g. filing for divorce, removing visitation with the children, public embarrassment etc. If you started the affair as one affair type, and now it is another affair type, just take note of the two affair types.
At first it will be hard to separate your story and relate to one of these affair types. Perhaps all the points do not match your situation exactly. However, I believe that to move forward, you must understand your patterns. Breaking your pattern will assist in future infidelity prevention. It will also help your recovery as a couple.
Complete the following sets of questions, answering YES or NO to each question.
Set 1
1) Is this your (or your partner’s) first affair?
2) Do you (does your partner) feel guilty about the affair?
3) Do you (does your partner) feel shame about the affair?
4) Did the affair last less than 4 months?
5) Did the affair happen only once?
6) Do you and your partner usually have a happy relationship?
7) Do you believe in monogamy?
8) Do both of you want your marriage to continue?
9) Was there emotional involvement with the affair partner?
Your affair or your partner’s affair is probably an Accidental Affair if you answer yes to most of the questions from 1 to 8 and no to question 9.
Set 2
1) Is this your (or your partner’s) first or second affair?
2) Do you (does your partner) feel guilty about the affair?
3) Have you been married less than 12 years?
4) Did the affair last less than 4 months?
5) Do you and your partner avoid talking about issues that might lead to disagreement or conflict?
6) Do you and your partner usually try to avoid hurting each other’s feelings?
7) Do you believe that you are regarded by friends and acquaintances as the model couple?
8) Do both of you want your marriage to continue?
9) Are you (is your partner) having a hard time ending the affair?
Your affair or your partner’s affair is probably a Conflict Avoidance Affair if you answer yes to most of the questions from 1 to 8 and no to question 9.
Set 3
1) Have both of you had affairs in the last year or so?
2) Did the affair(s) last less than 4 months?
3) Do you get into a lot of fights with each other?
4) Do you find that every disagreement turns into a battle?
5) Are your fights the most emotionally intense moments in your relationship?
6) Do both of you want your marriage to continue?
7) Are you (is your partner) having a hard time ending the affair?
Your affair or your partner’s affair is probably an Intimacy Avoidance Affair if you answer yes to most of the questions from 1 to 6 and no to question 7.
Set 4
1) Are you addicted to alcohol, drugs, food or any other substance?
2) Do you (or does your spouse) engage in other compulsive sexual behavior, such as porno, or cybersex?
3) Do you (or does your spouse) engage in numerous one-night stands or brief affairs?
4) Have you (or your spouse) had affairs throughout your relationship?
5) Was either of your parents sexually addicted?
6) Were you sexually abused as a child?
Your affair or your partner’s affair is probably a Sexual Addiction Affair if you answer yes to most of the questions from 1 to 6.
Set 5
1) Has your affair (or your spouse’s affair) lasted more than 2 years?
2) Do you and your spouse live separate lives?
3) Have you (or your spouse) had fewer than 5 affairs?
4) If the affair has ended, are you (or is your spouse) tempted to resume it?
5) Do you believe that marriage and family are important?
6) Has much of your marriage been devoted to parenting?
7) Are you troubled by your inability to choose between your spouse and your affair partner?
8) If you answered yes to #7, do you find yourself changing your mind about which one to choose?
9) Do you typically put a lot of energy into making things work the way you think they should?
10) Is your affair partner ten or more years younger than you are?
Your affair or your partner’s affair is probably a Split Self Affair if you answer yes to most of the questions from 1 to 10.
Set 6
1) Do you (does your spouse) want to end your marriage to be with the affair partner?
2) Have you (or your spouse) already cut your emotional ties to the marriage?
3) Have you (or your spouse) decided to end your marriage?
4) If yes to #3, do you believe that you can move ahead with your plans to separate?
5) Was the duration of your affair (or your spouse’s) from 10 months to less than 2 years?
6) Is your affair partner fifteen or more years younger than you are?
7) Are endings hard for you?
8) Do you have ambivalent feelings that make it difficult for you to act on your decision to end your marriage?
Your affair or your partner’s affair is probably an Exit Affair if you answer yes to most of the questions from 1 to 7 and no to question 8.
Set 7
1) Are you focused on achievement and success?
2) Do you compartmentalize the different aspects of your life?
3) Do you take risks, believing that somehow it will all work out – it always has in the past?
4) Were you brought up to be the “star child” or to fulfill a parent’s unfulfilled dreams?
5) Do you sometimes lie to avoid unpleasant outcomes?
6) Are you consciously aware of your emotions?
7) When you want something, do you expect to get it?
8) Do you actively participate with your spouse and your children?
Your affair or your partner’s affair is probably a Entitlement Affair if you answer yes to most of the questions from 1 to 7 and no to question 8.
Set 8
1) Have you always had affairs or cheating on your partner?
2) Did the affair(s) last less than 4 months?
3) Have you lost count of the number of affairs you have had?
4) Do you believe monogamy is a myth?
5) Are you highly competitive?
6) Have you “seduced” ex-partners?
7) Would you like to stay married?
8) Do you believe Men & Woman’s role are equal?
9) Do you want to stop having affairs?
Your affair or your partner’s affair is probably an Philanderer Affair if you answer yes to most of the questions from 1 to 7 and no to question 8 to 9.
It is not okay to have an emotional and/or intimate relationship with a married man. Justifying why you can continue to have sex with a married man who will not leave his wife is stupid. Even if he told you they haven’t had sex in 15 years, do you honestly believe that he is telling you the truth? Do you honestly think things will be different between you and him because you are not his wife? The point is you are NOT his wife… so you are NOT special, she is. He does not want her to find out about you because he won’t be able to bear the shame and guilt from his wife if she discovered the affair. You are a disposable secret while his wife is his anchor. I urge you to leave the married man alone and not let him insert you into his web of lies and deception. If he cheats with you, he will cheat on you. You may not be the only woman he is coercing to have sex with him. My husband was grooming at least 5 women simultaneously over the course of 3 years, that I know of. While he added himself with another name on several dating sites. This man is only prohibiting you from finding your own relationship with an emotional available man.
As the other women in an emotional affair, it is awful. I don’t want to be this evil monster. I’ve been single for years. I wasn’t even looking. The one time I meet someone I’m interested in, literally in YEARS is married. I’m single. This wasn’t planned on either end. I’m an influencer on social media and we met innocently discussing a mutual topic of interest. He says he has been checked out of his marriage for several years. Haven’t had intimacy in years. He has never had an affair and is not this terrible person that it sounds like. So many other things I can’t really say publicly. He has every reason to leave BUT that’s not my concern he has to clean up his mess or make a decision on his own. I even suggested he try marriage counseling ect. I don’t WANT to break up a marriage, if it can be fixed. But honestly it sounds broken long before we met.
I get it, either way I will be slut shamed for not just walking away. We tried to part ways a few times and have never made it more then one day without losing our minds. It seems we are very codependent on each other. I told him we need to cut all ties if we can’t be together, as it’s unhealthy and my mental health is also suffering. That’s the only way we are going to be able to end things. That seems like a punishment for both of us. No easy answer for anyone and any way you look at it will be awful. Just a different perspective here.
I’m considered attractive, educated and I’m sure I could find someone else but I have zero attraction to anyone else. We understand each other. I already LOVE him. He says he loves me also. I feel a lot of guilt. Even if he leaves, I know I will always be the hated person and bad guy.
I can relate to your post. Wonder if you have ended this relationship
If he has no invested interested in his marriage why does he need to cheat? Would it not make more sense for him to come clean and leave his wife, his marriage? He says there is no intimacy in years so why does he has trouble leaving the non-intimate relationship that is so clearly dead already according to him? He is full of bullshit and in a way so are you. Not to insult you but think about it. You are justifying his actions because you are “in love” but it doesn’t seem like love but more like codependence as you said after all you say it yourself – you have all these positives but no one else wants you. So you receive praise from a married man and fall all over those praises because you can’t seem to find what you need in someone eligible. You encourage this affair because you can’t be without him for more than 2 days. Do you really think that his wife is not emotionally connected to him somehow? If he wasn’t – emotionally involved with her he would not be with her – he would not have difficulty leaving her. It’s all lies – as the woman that was deeply hurt by infidelity – I tell you – honestly that you are justify your actions. Rationalizing to feel better and he is an addict of some sought. Yes, his marriage has lost something, maybe there are problems but not enough for him to want to give it up. Enough for him to selfish consider cheating but not leaving her. Would it not make more sense if he feels his marriage is over for him to leave her and then try with you but no he hangs on to her – hiding the fact that he is up to no good that he is going to hurt her for you. He is not necessarily a terrible person but neither is his wife. She is blameless clueless that her lying husband is carrying on with another woman that refuse to enforce respect for all women. Tell him we are not cheating if you don’t love her and clearly love me then leave her before we decide to move on. Divorce – see that divorce papers in your hand. Let’s see if he is really out of that marriage. You suggested marriage counseling because you feel bad about what you are doing – to ease your own conscience not because you are a good person. A good person would leave a married man alone. You said it yourself first time I am interested in someone he is married. When you see that you turn and walk away – you don’t insert yourself into their life and feed the euphoria of the tabooed relationship. You don’t care about the wife, you care about what you want – her husband. If he loves you why is he so scared to just leave her instead of cheating. Don’t tell me he is confused about how horrible his wife is? We are all human, we all make mistakes but what you are doing is wrong on all levels. This man has other issues and after his wife leaves him for being a cheater, he may come to you, in time he will cheat on you because you will not be fulfilling his needs. He will say the same bullshit – there is no intimacy, she doesn’t love me, all the bullshit he tells you about his wife – he will say to the next woman about you. Never doubt that – you are not special – you are just the heat of the moment limerance. Look it up – limerance – that is what you are feeling. Yes, it can lead to love. Real love but not when you are building on lies. That is what you are trying to do, build on lies and deception – self-deception. You are lying to yourself. I’m not sure if you are a slut or not. I think you are desperate for love but don’t know how to find it. You need someone and this man has come in lusting and found himself way over his head. He loves his wife but feels connected to you that is what cheating does. You don’t sleep around with people because that sparks a connection – that is why you should do it. Flirting, inserting yourself in the place his wife should be – creates that connection you so describe. But you are not finding the right person. If he cheats with you he will cheat on you. If you leave him and stop seeing him for 90 days – really stop all contact you will find that it was not as you saw it. I was there once – the full heat of the moment as you describe I gave space real space – man up and do what is right for all 3 of you. And then it was all like what the hell was I thinking. I was lonely, lost and all the fantasy – glamour I created of that ideal relationship vanished once I got perspective without hurting anyone. Stop sleeping with him and justifying his actions, your actions. It is bullshit- an excuse to eat your cake and hurt someone. Leave him, give him the space to leave her for 90 days give space no contact at all. The longer you hold out the better it gets then if he loves you he can start the process of leaving her and you meet up after 6 months. Then I would believe it was real love.
True love is good love…not low-down, dirty DOG VOMIT addiction. I agree so much with what you say. The harlot cheater should see Proverbs 7 for a description of herself. I want all marriages to be healed but women like the one you are addressing are the worst (and some of them) even proud of it. Such a sad commentary on our times. Where these raunchy females come from…the Soul Food like mothers being cheated on in the silent religion of Jesus Loves Me? This is the most hateful generation of females known to man yet…
I disagree with your view. People did stay in marraige they are unhappy in for various reasons, such as children, religious beliefs and family pressure.
This woman did not say she couldn’t find anyone else. She said she knows she could, but she is in love so she only has eyes for him.
In my opinion, your moral beliefs are standing in the way of logic.
You are an unethical, immoral, anti feminist, bitch. Just because he’s a creep doesn’t mean you had to jump in. Why not just say “home to your wife”. Think of all the times he lied to his wife. You think he never lied to you!?
Fernie, keep justifying your behavior. You are delusional. There are vows when you get married. Did you say in your vows “because of my childhood I don’t believe in monogamy?” If not then you should’ve never married in the first place. You know right from wrong. You just choose to not be disciplined enough. And quite frankly if you can’t communicate and work out issues without cheating…then you need to grow up. Look yourself in the mirror and ask yourself….”am I proud of my behaviors?” The answer is most likely no. So the fix is simple. Stop it or just be single and stay away from other people in relationships. Stop going around hurting people and justifying it for your selfish desires. Truth hurts sometimes.
I have been married to my wife for almost 15 years she has had 2 affairs I know of one after 3 years of marriage and now I’ve found a crap ton of text messages In totality of 8,000 beginning in 2016 stopping end of 2018 then starting back again in 2022 . I have been extremely hurt and this one has taken me to the brink of insanity. For we have had so much trouble having children we lost 5 due to so medical issues the first of course was the hardest the.n the next 4 I had to be the rock the strong hold for our family. No doubt it was mentally tough for me I couldn’t show weakness or was able to ever to mourn over these losses. This made this last affair especially hard on me for this bastard wasn’t there letting her know everything was gonna be ok and we would have children one day. So In 2019 I finally saved up the funds to have Invitro fertilization procedure done costed $40k and at that time she was having an affair and I didn’t know. She did break it off at that point 9 months later she gave birth to 2 perfect twin boys and her and I felt complete. This bastard had been texting her relentlessly for 1 1/2 year and a half I didn’t know he was asking when she was coming back to work. She stayed strong until March of 2022 then on April 26 I found the snap chats and downloaded 4 years of messages from this guy I can’t bring my self to read them at this point she says they did nothing but talked . She had deleted all the text on her phone I had to get them from the iOS on her phone she also had his phone number saved as a females name I found fake facebooks and so much more I’m so lost and love her deeply I know I can’t go thru this again anyone wanting to share there opinion would be great sorry for the long sentences lol and crappy punctuation. Driving and typing isn’t a good thing
Your wife is a deceptive dishonest idiot. You deserve so much more. Her layers of lies are I excusable. Have you had marriage counseling? You can’t resolve this on your own.
I am currently married, and the physical intimacy ended about three years ago when his back pain was so bad. His back is better, but still no intimacy—physical or emotional—in the last year. He is much older than me, and it is likely libido changes along with emotional distancing. He is a good person, but I’m sad at his refusal of intimacy physically and emotionally. I asked for divorce and he was devastated. He said we are a good team. I didn’t get married to be on a team. I have started falling in love with a man who listens when I speak and makes me feel like I am not invisible. I can sense an emotional affair starting, but I don’t want to start something while I am still stuck in this dead-end relationship. It doesn’t make for a very honorable start to a new relationship to be married while I am dating. I am financially not in a place where I can divorce. It’s so difficult. My husband’s life and mine are entwined with responsibilities, but no closeness, no intimacy, no joy.. I know affairs cause trouble. I cannot control my heart, but I can control what I do about my feelings. I hope I will eventually be in a place where I can love and be loved. Right now, I am just taking it day by day, trying not to let my broken heart seek solace elsewhere.
If you are married, you have no right to date someone else. That is cheating and very dishonest. Sounds like you married this older man to make you financial life better. It takes two to love. What have you been doing for your husband to show love. Should be hard when you are looking to cheat with another person.
You sent to lack empathy and project emotions you wish to be true on others. Inn your perfect world there are rules to j be ashamed to and they are absolute. Life doesn’t work that way, but the thought is scare for most.
You’ve just word for word told me about my own life. It doesn’t get any better until you do what you can to make more money/get a better paying job and get out from under him so you can move on. That’s what it boils down to.
I want to have sex with other men. My marriage is sexless and boring. I know it’s selfish as hell but I’ve ALWAYS had alot of excitement sexually in my life. My partner and I used to have great sex, everywhere anytime. Now lucky to have sex once a month. I don’t want him to touch me because I don’t want cramps sex. Idk if I’m any good in bed with him. He dies complain about how I am but I think it’s just us both wanting what we had. We have 3 kids and Bern married 9 years. I had an affair once and the guilt almost killed me. I told him because it was the right thing to do and I couldn’t lie to him and live like that. I’m not sure what type of affair this is. He could be cheating. If nit I think he is sometimes I hope he does so I can cheat too.
That’s just sad.
I understand your situation.
I am a sexual person in a sexless marriage. When you do finally get the sex you desire, you will realize how much better life can be. Don’t friend yourself because in doing so you agree losing a big party of yourself.
Mine started at a support group for violent spouses after getting put on short term disability For PTSD.
And I’m the bad guy.
Which type is that?
Interesting how complex the reasons become as I read and understand the nuances behind each type. My affair has characteristics from each type but dominance is in the Accidental and Conflict Avoidance types, shadowed closely by the Split Self type. Good grief, just how broken am I? That’s rhetorical. There aren’t enough human years to fix some people, right? The info is appreciated nonetheless.
Don’t beat yourself up. We are all broken in one way or another and sometimes we have to get out needs meet in creative ways. Nobody should judge you.
I found out my husband was sexting another woman. She sent him multiple naked picture he lied about. He swears they never had sex. I am the vindictive one who sent the pictures to her spouse. She left me a cm and said I was causing her to have a nervous, mental break down. Welcome to my world sweetie. My husband admits it was a mistake and says he even tried to break it off because he was guilty and she let calling. Thank his we relocated 15 hours away or I would have done something stupid had I found out while we were living there.
Please get therapy because this will likely repeat and you need to be mentally prepared.
My husband and I have been together 9 years. Married for two. However I found out he cheated on me twice, one lasted 4 months while the other was one year. I feel so torn apart by the. My husband blatantly kept our marriage a secret. He told the ow that he was no where ready for a marriage. I feel so sick, and angry… Help me plz!!!
I hope you’ve kicked his butt to the curb
My husband of almost 10 years had 3 affairs(that i know of). I found out about one and he admitted to. He was still seeing one and ended it hoping I wouldn’t find out but she messaged me telling me about them. Then he said he wanted to work things out with me and even started marriage counselling but told the third one to stop texting him so I wouldn’t see her number instead email him. He continued to email her for weeks after and they weren’t the cleanest either. I found the emails and he admitted to it but swears they only had sex once before I found out about the other two and that he had stopped emailing her for about a month. I dont know how I can ever trust him again or if I should. We had 2 little girls and have been together for 18 years in total. Im so lost.
I am sorry, I completely feel this. It’s similar to my situation. I want to grow old with someone I don’t trust. It is tragic
I think you know in your heart that you can stay in the marraige and try to look the other way, or end it now. He will not change.
Being a single mother is difficult, so i understand your apprehension about leaving. If you don’t have one sell out a good therapist to help deal with the conflicting emotions. He or she can’t take them away for you, but they can help you sorry through them and be there for sorry when you need it.
I had an emotional affair that lasted 8 YEARS. IT’S BBEN 18 years since I ve talked to him. My husband of 26 years just found and is deeply. Hurt and angry with me. He hates and detest me. I love my husband and want to be with him. He doesn’t want to go to counceling. I am desperste, sad , and feel a lot of remorse and guilt. I know in my heart that I never felt love for any one else. I love my husband and wish with all my heart for anither chance.
You deserve nothing
Very cruel and judgemental of you to say that…you have no idea what lead her to have an affair.
Who cares what lead to the affair she had an 8 year affair! She does deserve nothing.
Agree. 8yrs?? Come on!
After 18 years? Are all of you sure you want to be condemned for something you did almost 20 years ago? Does anyone remember “let he – or she – who has no sin cast the first stone?” Or – if you have nothing good to say, say nothing at all.
What @Luz deserves is not to be cruelly condemned when she is looking for support.
I am sorry, I completely feel this. It’s similar to my situation. I want to grow old with someone I don’t trust. It is tragic
What a savage. That’s probably why you were cheated on. Being so darn mean. We don’t know if LUZ was molested or grew up with an unfortunate traumatic situation that has started these cycles at a very young age. As a man who is trying to stop his bad “cheating” behavior, I can attest that affairs in relationships happen for a lot of different reasons. But they are generally the responsibility of all parties involved. I stopped my brief affair almost two years ago and without being caught. I just noticed what I was doing to myself Kim the middle of the doing. I realized I was hurting myself, my partner, and this 3rd party (the mistress) all at once, with myself being the person I was hurting the most. I experienced many hardships as a child and was sexually exploited. I grew up in a culture where the macho man was taught he should have more than one woman, and the list goes on and on. I will tell you this, every time my partner deeply hurt my feelings with words or mean actions, I would even the scales by cheating on her to keep myself in the relationship. This is messed up on many levels. But this was my truth at the time. We are now working past a lot of our mistakes. This road is not easy, but it is a road of karmic self discovery for the both of us. And I would rather keep working towards progress in our relationship than to run away from myself. At the end all relationships are only a mirror deep within ourselves.
You are a closed minded individual whose life has been straight as an arrow. You avoid conflict and probably attend church ever Sunday. That’s fine if you think it’s working for you. As a matter of fact, congratulations if it’s working for you. Just don’t throw your judgemental crap around on others, whom you don’t begin to understand.